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Every careless talk…

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This is actually an ‘experience’ that a lady shared with me…I hope it ‘talks’ to us.

‘’I met my husband in the church. We were both strong members of a youth wing of our local church. He was one of our leaders. He was the kind of guy that every girl wanted to get close to, yet there was a certain mystery to him…a kind of aloofness. But I took it to mean that he is simply reserved…probably because of his church upbringing.

His source of livelihood was not encouraging but I didn’t mind at all. Our parents taught us early to work hard. Mum is a trader and all of us joined hands to make her business a huge success. I have always believed that I can ‘build’ with my man.

My elder brother would always question the essence of my University degree if I could end up with a man with such lowly source of income.

Our relationship waxed stronger and we even began to plan marriage. In all those 11 months that we dated, he said NO to any form of intimacy that went beyond hugging. I wanted more but also didn’t want to come between him and his ways with God. So, I abided by his rules. I also noticed that as our relationship waxed stronger, he became more involved with the things of God.

I must not deny that a number of times, I wondered if things would continue that way, even in marriage. Eventually, our wedding date arrived and the ceremony went well.

But I began to feel uneasy (but not yet alarmed) when instead of the usual honey-moon that newly wedded couples go somewhere to observe, my husband took me to some ‘holy mountains’, where he would often crawl over while praying.

From there we visited a few others for almost one week that we were away and our families thought we were on honeymoon.

You can imagine my relief when we finally got home and began our lives as a newly married couple. It was also at this point that my nightmare started.

The first night that I fought my husband’s excuses and reluctance to have my way with him in the bedroom…I discovered that his ‘something’ doesn’t stir at all. As in…it is limp!

I cried myself to bed that night. He kept promising me that God would surprise us. I believe God can do anything but I was more interested in what we can do on our own as well. So, I suggested a visit to the doctors…he agreed and a surgery was recommended. He underwent the surgery but nothing changed.

For the next 14 months that we lived together…there were very few places that we didn’t visit in search of a solution. We kept the issue from our families. Meanwhile, my mother was busy tagging every malaria that I had as ‘the good malaria.’

At a time I began to keep away from my folks…to avoid their looks of expectation. By this time, my husband and I had opened a supermarket, which we jointly run, with the monies realised from our wedding and the sum that my family sent me forth with.

One day, I convinced myself that the last person that did not deserve all that secrecy from me was my mother, who has always been there for all her children. So, I opened up to my mother. From there the rest of the family got to know about my ordeal.

My husband began to come up with desperate suggestions like adoption. He also came up with the idea of me finding a man to do the job-behind him. But my family would have none of that. I was only 25years old.

So both families agreed to an amicable dissolution of the marriage…starting from the church.

My brother pushed for me to reclaim the business we operated together but I said NO…that man deserved better from me. I only asked him to settle me with what he can and keep the business.

We stayed friends even after the marriage was no more, but my family frowned at that. So, we stopped relating in the open.

What would surprise me is the judgmental attitude of the world…my parents even had to come up with the lie that our genotypes were incompatible. Others tagged me a wild girl that couldn’t stay with a ‘good man’.

Nobody deserves to be deceived into marriage for any reason, but with the way we judge others, I can understand why people like my ex would rather die than open up about their issues.

Every careless talk is capable of discouraging someone from opening up about his/her issues…thereby making ‘the troubled’ choose to die in silence!

I remarried less than a year later…and currently expecting my second baby. My husband is a lecturer.’’


In this article:
Chukwuneta Oby
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