Exing your ex completely
I am sure most of us have had issues with exes or still having. I am still having issues as we speak and the way you handle it says a lot about how happy and at peace you want to be with yourself. Today we’re going to talk about what happens when your ex keeps coming back into your life and why sometimes you need to walk away from all the drama and never ever look back.
N.B. Men this works in reverse as well. I know too well that women do this to men too. This might get uncomfortable for some of you, but just read on.
A reader of mine wrote me asking…
“My name is Kehinde. I have been reading your stories and newsletters for about 2 years now. My case is quite complex. My boyfriend and I broke up close to 3 years ago. We were together for three and a half years until we had an argument and then decided to take a job that made him leave Lagos. For the last 3 years he keeps popping up. Texting me or calling me telling me he loves me more than he has loved any woman and that he will love me for the rest of his life. My feeling is if that’s the case why not marry me! Ugh! I am 37 years old soon to be 38. There is a slim chance of me having kids at this age but I do want to get married one day. He did it again two nights ago and when I ask why he wants to keep contact with me he tells me some stupid, senseless things. I am so confused and just when I start to get stronger and feel I am ready to move on he does it all over again. Every time feeling like I did the day he walked away! I don’t know what else to do at this point!
Hmm… so Kehinde, First things first, you’re not alone.
This is a question that’s asked constantly, I still wonder from time to time myself but something about yours made me feel your pain and I had to stop and answer you. So why does he keep popping up in your life? Because you’re letting him. Plain and simple. Yes. It’s your fault.
Now before you all start yelling at me to that response or grumbling angrily, let me explain. That guy is contacting you because he knows you’ll answer.
He knows you’ll meet up for a drink or more. He knows you’ll respond. And that’s not fair to you. Yes, he should show more class, but you have set a precedent that you are available to him. You have let him know “I’m here for you, for whatever you need.” You might think, “Well I’m just being a good person, what if he really needs me?” With no insult to you dear, if he really needed something, are you the person he’s going to turn to?
Nope. If he really needed something, he’d ask his best friends, his family, and those closest to him. Not his ex who he texts every once in awhile.
So how do you stop crumbling before the text or phone call from him in front of you?
Communicate with him.
This is not a time for you to yell into the phone or send a nasty text. Simply let him know that while you value the friendship, right now only one of you is getting what you want out of it and that isn’t fair to either of you. Because of that, you’re cutting contact. Yes… It’s that simple. It doesn’t require a monologue of feelings. Rip the Band-Aid off and move on.
*“This isn’t working for me. I am no longer going to be at your beck and call. I am not going to change my mind. Thank you for your friendship, but this is over.”
*“This ‘friendship‘ isn’t working because it’s not a friendship. We both need to move on. I am not going to change my mind. Please don’t contact me again.”
*“I’m not in love with you. I’m never going to be in love with you again. I am not going to change my mind. This is the last time I’m going to talk to you about this. Goodbye.”
Did you notice something about those texts? They all say, “I am not going to change my mind on this.” I can’t stress this phrase enough. Whatever you text, include this phrase. You’re changing your mind. You’re sticking to your guns.
So what if he writes back? Simple, DON’T ANSWER. You made yourself clear. You’re not talking about this. You’re not changing your mind. Ignore him. You’ll just be feeding the monster. Even if you respond in a very negative way you’re still giving him your attention and that’s what he craves more than anything else in the world.
So what if he begs? DON’T ANSWER. Don’t take the bait. Once you’ve communicated clearly his pain is not your problem. Your ex boyfriends’ feelings are not your responsibility and that you don’t owe him a single thing at this point.
What if he threatens self-harm or something along those lines? DON’T ANSWER. That’s probably just a manipulation tactic and the worst thing you can do is feed it by responding. If you think threats of self harm are in any way real then you can contact one of his friends or family members but it is NOT YOUR JOB TO BE HIS SUPPORT NETWORK. OKAY?
In fact you being his support network is the worst possible thing. Getting this kind of toxic behavior and dependency out of your life is going to be the best thing you’ve done for yourself. Trust me.
Now, go out and find the love you deserve! To your happiness. Cheers