Surviving in your relationship
Sometimes we say love do not last. In my own words, if it was love, it would last forever so therefore, it was not love that is why it never lasted. So now, how do you get to a deep love that lasts? Despite the fascination with “hooking up,” people still long for that intimate connection that lasts a lifetime. Too often however, we give up too soon. We run for cover at the slightest conflict because we do not know how to navigate the deeper waters. I want to invite you into the deep waters where real love and commitment happen and are sustained. Let us talk about the different phases of relationships:
Delight and Infatuation
This is the stage of shallow waters of early dating and the illusions of falling in love. It is the stage where our lover can do no wrong, and we are quite content in these peaceful waters. This is where the first dip into physical intimacy often happens, and that means all kinds of hormones are surging, and we are feeling pretty blissed out. We are only in up to our knees, but the passion is heady and intoxicating, and we can be overcome and rush into a whirlwind marriage or living together kind of arrangement. The thing is, this stage will pass soon.
Did I marry the wrong person? Did I rush in too quickly? This is the stage where we begin to see the flaws and issues of the other person. Conflicts begin to swim to the surface of this deepening pool. The full weight of commitment is being felt. Am I ready for this? Do I even like this person? What was I thinking? You keep asking yourself these questions. This is the level of learning to swim into the deeper levels of love and relationship where real intimacy can begin. You are about to learn if you made a good choice, and to know if you are such a good catch after all yourself. It is also a level where you may feel like you are drowning. But you need to hang on!
Ok, so you are still floating. Now, you can begin to experience the support, comfort, and intimacy of love in the deep waters. Here is where you can really prepare for the long haul. Let me share with you the requirements to swimming in the deep with your life partner.-Commitment
Real love exists at this level, and with regular care, attention and compassion, the relationship thrives. Oh yes, waves and high winds will still come, I promise you that but they do not have to be lethal. Couples at this level have learned a few things about weathering storms, and they make a good team. These couples know that small issues can fester and take the relationship under, so they know the importance of good communication, how to argue constructively by attacking the problem not each other, they know how to manage anger and get to the root issues and not threaten another with leaving or walking away or some insensitive harsh/cruel words. They figure out together how to deal with differences about sex, money, children, spirituality, and they are comfortable allowing their partners to be who they are without trying to change them. i.e loving them irrespective of their flaws or faults. We are not perfect beings so there are bound to be mistakes made from time to time. Am I passing across a message? This sounds good right? Ofcourse it does.
I want you to ask yourself these questions, if your partner never made any changes from who he/she is today: Would you still choose him/her? Do you wish for them to change in some significant way? Do you want to just put your feet in or do you want to go for a deep-sea dive with your beloved?
These are questions for the deep, and not for the faint of heart. It is easy enough for us to say that we want to be in relationships, but ask yourself if you are fully prepared for the deepest levels where emotions can be intense and issues can rage. If commitment, intimacy, real connection, and making a life together sound fulfilling and luscious to you, grab your mate by the hand, and jump in like I have jumped in mine. Make that decision today if you feel he/she is the one. I am definitely swimming in the deep end and I have made the decision not to drown but stay afloat.
To our happiness. Cheers.
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