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When to have the serious talk

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Happy weekend ladies. In todays’ newsletter, I want to ask one simple question. “Have you ever been in a happy relationship with a man, and even though things were going well you started to worry about where it’s all going? This worrying usually starts around the time when you feel that you’re connecting and starting to have strong feelings for him. You’ve naturally become exclusive with him and assume he’s exclusive with you, too. You have a great time when you’re together. He’s introduced you to his friends and maybe even some of his family. He’s met your friends. You’ve spent some holidays together. Celebrated birthdays and special occasions. Went on weekend trips together. It just keeps getting better and better. It feels really good to be so “in sync” with a guy. But it isn’t long before it dawns on you that you have a very special connection and you want it to last. And because it’s so good, you start to think that maybe you’ve finally found your Mr. Right. That’s why you’re anxious about something going wrong, or about him suddenly “changing his mind” about you. Maybe that sort of thing happened to you before or maybe you’ve been hearing too many “horror stories” from friends who have experienced this. So even though things are going “great” and you’re really connecting, you’re also beginning to freak out just a little.

This is precisely the moment where a lot of women make a crucial mistake. They start to let their fear and insecurity take over. Instead of being secure because the relationship is going well and the guy seems like a good guy, they start to be afraid that it won’t last, or that it isn’t “real.” This leads to a desire to know exactly what the man is thinking and feeling. It doesn’t matter that he’s being affectionate and attentive and that there’s really no reason to feel anxious. Fear is a powerful motivator, and it leads a woman to ask a man the wrong questions at the wrong time in the wrong way. These questions can actually make a man want to withdraw.

Don’t get me wrong. A lot of women have had a good experience asking a man these questions because they’ve approached it in a completely different way. So you begin to look for the right time to ask one of these three questions, (if not all of them):

*How Do You Feel About Me?
Is this love or is this just a fling? Are your feelings for me real and lasting?
*Where Is This Going?
What will happen to us a year from now? Should I be making my future plans around us moving in together someday? Would you like to get married someday?
*Are You Serious About Us?

Or are you just in this for “now” but not thinking anything serious or long-term?
These are the thoughts swirling around your head almost constantly, especially after you get together with him. You want to know where the relationship is going. You need to know. You don’t want to be “strung along” for months and months, only to have your heart broken. You don’t want to be wasting your time. There are certain things you want from a relationship, and you want to know that he’s going to be able to come through for you.

That’s when you decide you’re going to sit down and have “A Talk”. You’re nervous about it, so you wait for just the right time. You don’t want to seem pushy or needy, so you may even rehearse what you’re going to say in your mind. Finally, the moment comes and you blurt out everything you’ve been thinking and feeling for days and weeks. But things don’t go exactly the way you imagined. He’s not reassuring or relaxed. He’s not tender and affectionate. And he’s certainly not wrapping you in his arms to tell you how much he loves you and wants to commit! He’s actually a little worried. “Frustrated” would almost be the right word. Maybe even annoyed! He acts put off, as if you’re now “hassling” him and pressuring him to do or be a certain way. He tells you he’s “not sure” or maybe “not ready” to make any promises to you. He tells you that he cares about you but he “needs more time.” Or any number of reasonable or non-reasonable excuses as to why he can’t answer your questions or make a commitment to you right now. Then you begin to get confused, You don’t get it. All you wanted was to know where the relationship was heading! Now you are angry, he is angry, and you regret ever having brought it up. Because now he’s being distant. He’s changed toward you a little bit. He’s not quite as affectionate. Maybe he’s a little distracted. A little cold. And it scares you.

If you’ve ever been in this situation, or if you fear being in this situation, you’re not alone. So many women worry about how to approach a man about these 3 common questions. And that’s understandable.

Men and women have different timelines when it comes to commitment. A woman may think “it’s time” for a man to commit after a certain amount of months has passed, or certain things have happened like after he’s introduced you to his family. But it’s not necessarily the same way a man thinks. A man decides he wants to be with you and only you and make a real commitment based on how you make him feel. Whether it’s been 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years. It doesn’t matter. If a man is feeling that “something special” about you, he’s going to be thinking of how he can have you in his life for the long-term. If he feels that his life is much better with you in it, or is much easier and happier and more fulfilled, then he’ll do what he has to do to make sure you’re in his life for good.

A man doesn’t make a decision to commit because of a series of events that he’s mentally checked off or because “it’s time” to get serious. Unless you’re triggering that “forever” feeling in him another way, a man isn’t going to feel compelled to bring up the issue of “commitment” with you. And if you bring it up first when he’s not “feeling” it then he’ll feel put off and pressured.

A man making the decision to commit to you is definitely not the result of any one “talk” you have with him where you’re asking him where it’s going based on your own agenda. You see, that’s the key.

Once you stop thinking of what it is you want and why you’re right and he’s wrong, and start to be curious about what he wants and what he is feeling, you can completely shift the vibe you’re putting off and change the way he feels completely. You can and should communicate what you want to a man and set certain standards from the start. But you have to do it from the start and not keep things bottled up, “hoping” he’s thinking and intending the same things from the relationship that you are, and then feel upset and confused when months later you find out that he doesn’t.

I generally avoid “rules” with men, because all men are unique and there is no such thing as “one rule fits all.” But here’s a rule, you have to let a man know that you don’t want to casually date forever from the start, if that’s your intention. But the trick for lots of women, even though they do this in their own way, is that you cannot do this through pressure or any kind of passive aggressive or weak, convincing types of behaviour. No way, that wont work at all. Putting pressure on people in important situations and choices in life causes more harm than good- you won’t get a positive response. This is what I mean when I say that there are certain questions that make a man withdraw. If you let a man know what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship early on, then he won’t feel cornered or “hassled.”

Here’s exactly how to do this. Say, “I will only keep seeing you right now if this is going somewhere and you aren’t seeing anyone else, because I’m not and I don’t want to waste my time.” When you say this to a guy, there’s an unconscious button that’s pushed in his mind that basically tells him and instils the belief that “this is a respectable and desirable woman who has the ability and the strength to pick and choose what happens in her life and with men, so I better make good of the situation.”

If all this goes well and you start becoming closer and closer to a man after weeks or a couple of months, then it’s time to say in a calm and casual voice- “I’m happy with you and I want to keep dating but the future’s important to me too. So let’s see how we feel about things over the next few weeks or months (set a time here you feel comfortable with), and we’ll decide where this is going and to continue if there’s something more serious that we’re both interested in and want.” And “Kaboom.” This is like the ultimate ground- shaker for a man. Careful when you do this, though. For some women this might be risky and sound a bit harsh, but the thing is, if a man is at all interested or serious about you, then watch out after this conversation. He’s going to suddenly be wildly open, affectionate and want more with you. Don’t let it scare you when you see such a big sudden shift. It’s normal for a man to act this way after a woman says this to him.

In conclusion, you need to understand how the commitment process works for a man. Learn how to trigger his desire to commit to you without heavy “talks”, drama or ultimatums. Stop feeling anxious and worried about whether or not a man will actually want to commit to you, or whether you’re wasting precious time and energy on a man who may never commit.
To our happiness. Cheers.


In this article:
Kemi AmushanRelationships
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