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Parenting, the world’s toughest job

By Omagbitse Barrow FCA
17 August 2017   |   4:23 am
My brother-in-law, Osayi celebrated his 50th birthday recently, and the tribute written by his wife in the birthday program paid glowing tributes to his skills as a dad.

My brother-in-law, Osayi celebrated his 50th birthday recently, and the tribute written by his wife in the birthday program paid glowing tributes to his skills as a dad. As we celebrate Osayi and other parents, I reflected deeply on the subject, and thought it was a good opportunity to remind ourselves of the realities of parenting and the huge responsibilities that come with parenting.

I remember speaking to a group of children in our school recently. I asked them if they had never thought to themselves “Are these people actually my parents” on account of their parents being too strict and difficult. I told the children that if this thought had not yet crossed their minds it could only mean two things – 1) they, the children were saints or 2) their parents were irresponsible and incompetent at parenting. We all grow up wondering why our parents’ “wahala” is so much, only to find out later that parental love is “tough love” – a combination of carrot and stick.

In spite of our best efforts, we still make many mistakes as parents, and it is important that we remind ourselves of some of these classic mistakes, and some of the things we must do differently to be better parents. I am particularly concerned about the age in which we live and its impact on parenting. We are in an age of digital media and the internet, with huge implications for the kind of messages to which our children are exposed. Cartoon stations now show cartoons with adult themes and some promote values that are antithetical to our values and norms. Unfortunately, many parents are too busy to pay attention to what is being shown on TV and are exposing their children to inappropriate messages in the name of watching cartoons!

Due to the multiple sources of messages that our children receive, one area that parents need to improve upon is communicating. I find that the generation of children that we have today need a lot of talking to and a lot of engagement. Good parents like good leaders must have an ear to listen to their children watching for both the verbal and non-verbal cues and must keep an open line of communication with their children. Parents should also be mindful that they are not “pushing” their children so hard, and wanting to live out their own lives through their children. We have experienced failures and successes in life and should be careful about trying to micro-manage our children’s lives in line with our own aspirations without regard for theirs. The final deadly sin of parenting is over-indulging our children. As we grow and prosper we start to think that the most important thing is to protect our children from the ‘sufferings” that we had to endure. While this is useful, we should be careful not to go overboard with “protecting” our children from the realities of life so much so that we end up over-indulging or “spoiling” them.

So, what are some of the core things that parents should pay attention to: Firstly: Communicating powerfully – parents must keep an open line of communication with their children and spend quality time with them, no matter how difficult it is. Communication should not just be about the “what” that you want them to do, and not only the ‘how”, but even more importantly, the ‘why” behind the ‘what” and “why”. Explaining the “why” helps children to start to rationalize, and understand the thinking behind their decisions. When they are faced with difficult choices when you are not there, they will learn to rationalize, and make better decisions.

Parents should also encourage their children to explore. Rather than trying to narrow your children’s world view and perspectives regarding their talent and capabilities, we should help them explore as many options as possible, and build capabilities in a variety of areas. This will build their mental agility and toughness and prepare them for the reality that one day they may be challenged to do jobs and tasks that are not always “interested” in. in the real world they will be thrown into the deep end of the pool, and will need to learn to either “sink” or “swim”.

One of the biggest issues that parents need to deal with is conveying their beliefs and values properly to their children with integrity. The same parent who is over-protective of his daughters from “boys”, ends up being the same parent who buys “expo” for his daughters to pass JAMB/WAEC. Parents must be consistent – there must be alignment between your words and actions and a general consistency in your values and ethics.

Finally, there are a number of important values that parents must teach their children to prepare the for the real world out there – 1) deferred gratification – be prepared to make sacrifices today for a better future; 2) the virtue of work – hard work doesn’t kill, it only makes you better; 3) Stress is a choice – what may seem like difficult is only so because of how you have framed your mind; and 4) failure is a certitude – you will face failures in life, but be prepared to fail forward.

Parenting is no doubt the world’s toughest job – requiring so much from parents, and with huge implications for the future. Parents should always be mindful of some of the typical mistakes, and should always aim at paying attention to the things that really matter.
Barrow is the Founder and Director of Creative Learning International School, Abuja

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