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2019: Uncle Akpovwovwo for president


The Editor of the Guardian, Mr. Abraham Ogbodo

My dear uncles, I have got some big idea towards 2019. Since all of you retired from active service years ago, you have not been too useful to yourselves and the country. A number of you from my mother’s end retired as professors of economics, medicine and so on. There is nobody in Nigeria that has not heard of the Diejomaohs! Surprisingly, with so much cranium power, none of you is thinking seriously of scaling up to becoming the next president of Nigeria. Why?

In case you are unaware, the presidency is open to all old men and not only the old men from some sections of the country. Also, age and apparent absence of robust health are no longer limitations to legitimate political aspirations. In the new context of presidential contest in Nigeria, old and ailing men are as eligible as young and able-bodied persons. In fact, uncles, let me be frank with you. Physical and intellectual fitness is a disadvantage. What is needed in abundance from a prospective candidate is integrity underscored by a fairly long history of living in poverty or self-denial and a visible ill disposition to wealth creation. This is clear enough and anyone that does not strictly fit into this description should not be presented. It is only one old man that is needed to be president in 2019 and not a crowd of old men.

But not to worry, there is a larger power basin within the presidency that can take a lot more people. It is called ‘cabal’ which is a council of loyalists created almost about the same time that the president is inaugurated to guarantee his safety and ability to continue with presidential functions in all situations and in all locations. The cabal acts as a buffer between the president and aggressors. Actually, from what I have seen and known, if you ask me, I will prefer membership of the cabal to being President.

For president, I have in mind Uncle Akpovwovwo (life at twilight or dusk). He can do it. I know you are worried that Uncle Akpovwovwo as president will be out of the country most times to see his cardiologist on account of his blood pressure that has refused to stabilize since his premature retirement from the civil service 30 years ago. I will explain. The rules have changed dramatically and residency is not a requirement as such in the contest for the president of Nigeria. This is how matters are conducted these days: The president is sworn-in after victory at the polls and thereafter permitted by the constitution to operate from anywhere in the world and in whatever state of health.

Rather, what is far more important in operating the presidency is a younger person who is not medically encumbered as deputy and to whom executive powers can be transmitted through the senate anytime the president needs to relocate elsewhere for whatever reason. You know the last time that Uncle Akpovwovwo travelled to India to address his issues we had had to contribute large sums to assist him. Some of you had complained bitterly and got close to suggesting that he should be allowed to die. Thank God, he didn’t die! But as president, the burden of his huge medical bills will be transferred to the State. And instead of India and such other average medical destinations, he will go to the best locations in the world that money can afford. Nothing sounds sweeter, enjoying the best medicare at no personal cost.

Meanwhile, Uncle Ewhrujakpor (stranded on earth) who is the oldest amongst you shall stay put in the village while the rest of you shall follow Uncle Akpovwovwo to Abuja to run the presidency. As you can see uncles, there is something in 2019 for everybody. Let’s just continue to pray hard to God to dispose for us what we are proposing when the time comes. Uncle Ewhrujakpor will act as the overall head of the cabal. I only ask for those of you in Abuja to play by the rules. And the key rule is that you must return to the village to seek the active involvement of Uncle Ewhrujakpor in such matters as appointment of heads of security agencies, especially the service chiefs, inspector-general of police and director-general of the Department of State Security (DSS). Also on this list are the heads of lucrative MDAs such as the ministers of petroleum, finance, works, justice, transport and aviation and comptrollers-general of customs and immigration.

That way, high political office seekers shall be compelled to visit the village in droves to seek the blessings of Uncle Ewhrujakpor. It is going to be very beautiful. Our small village shall come boldly on the national map. All of this shall come with great physical development and economic benefits. First, the minister of aviation will be ordered to show appreciation for his appointment by including the airstrip in Agbarha-Otor, which was built by Olorogun Michael Ibru in the early 70s for his exclusive use in the list of air facilities across the country to be upgraded to international airports in the first year of the presidency of Uncle Akpovwovwo. Hotels shall spring up in around the village to take care of the deluge of visitors and life shall be good generally.

Uncle Akpovwovwo shall not die in office no matter what! It is not our portion in Jesus Mighty Name, Amen! Uncles, there is something else that you need to know. Prayer is now the absolute strategy in Nigeria. Every problem is solved by prayers and more prayers. We shall also adopt that strategy to address all problems that may arise. For instance, if per adventure Uncle Akpovwovwo experiences somewhat an indeterminate medical vacation abroad while in office, we shall tell the acting president, the National Assembly and members of his party to enjoin Nigerians to pray for his quick recovery and not to demand his resignation on account of ill health.

If the economy gets bad and there is a likelihood of descent from recession to depression, we shall also ask for prayers to move it to a good stead. Insecurity shall be tackled by prayers. And if instead of improvement the health of Uncle Akpovwovwo deteriorates as to make it impossible for him to sit at his desk in Aso Rock Villa for more than three months, governors of the catchment states of Edo, Bayelsa, Rivers, Akwa Ibom and Cross River shall be asked to take turn to declare work-free days to pray for his recovery and things will be fine.

Even so, there shall still be some Nigerians who will not mind their business and will be calling for either the resumption or resignation of Uncle Akpovwovwo. We shall get the minister of justice and attorney-general who must be either an Urhobo, Isoko, Itsekiri, Ijaw or an Ndokwa person to redefine freedom of speech under democracy in Nigeria and draft a bill for enactment, in which calls for the resignation or forced resumption of Uncle Akpovwovwo, will be termed as ‘hate speech’ that will be punishable under the act.

With all matters settled, we shall begin in earnest the campaign for the re-election of Uncle Akpovwovwo in 2023. By the special grace of God, he will be alive and strong for his re-election in 2023 after which, and upon transmission of power to his vice, he will be permitted under the operating constitution to return to his medical vacation. His rights and privileges as president and commander-in-chief of the armed forces of the Federal Republic of Nigeria will remain intact. Same as members of the cabal. Thanks uncles. This is our chance and we must not let it slip away.

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