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A national conversation

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Muhammadu Buhari

John: There has been too much drama in our country recently, from the Presidency to the Senate and the political parties…

Betty: Well, it’s better to have such drama and keep the nation going than keep quit like mumu and burn down the country. Drama is interesting isn’t it?

John: If it’s good drama no problem; what we have is absurd.

Betty: Theatre of the absurd! Makes it more interesting!

John: But have you noticed that the states have been silent?

Betty: Not really. Kogi State is not silent ooo. Imo State too.

John: Yes, Kogi State. Can any space where Dino operates be quiet?

Betty: What do you mean?

John: Dino thrives on noise making, pulling attention to himself.

Betty: Yet he defeated the powers-that-be over the recall attempt!

John: Bad miscalculation. Height of mischief and chicanery

Betty: Yes, they wanted to get rid of Dino the Menace at all costs!

John: The man himself…is it true that he tried to escape from a moving vehicle?

Betty: Subjudice!

John: Is it true that he has been kept in police custody till June for an offence that ordinarily one can get bail?

Betty: Subjudice!

John: I forget that you are a lawyer. Just to say that a man who jumped off a moving vehicle can also jump out of the country if granted bail.

Betty: Subjudice. Presumptuous. I won’t comment on a matter that is in court! Imo State is not quiet.

John: The governor is a clown. He doesn’t deserve any comments here.

A man who gives a heroic welcome to two state indigenes who won the vulgar BBNaija competition cannot be taken seriously. One of them a female actually had sex in the open for the entire world to see!

Betty: You are disparaging clowns by saying that that man is a clown! His penchant for nepotism is second to none in the country. Even the President is not that bad. He has not appointed his sister Minister of National Happiness!

John: The President was in America last week too. He fared well in my judgment.

Betty: Yes, he fared well by not talking too much. The lazy-youth narrative haunted his handlers so badly that they zipped up his mouth from promoting ideas that could benefit the country.

John: Can you give me an example? A President must learn how to talk, to speak up on the right issues at the right time.

Betty: He had a good opportunity to invite Trump over and exact promises from him on funds repatriation. He could have also ensured that investors hear good things.

John: But he handled the ‘shithole’ comment very well; at least he was diplomatic.

Betty: Yes, he was. What would have happened if he responded by saying that even it Trump said so, he dint have Nigeria in mind?

John: Nothing would have happened. Did you notice that the Press seemed to have pity on him?

Betty: Yes and no. I don’t think it was pity. I believe the journalists were handpicked, friendly journalists, and advised to stay off controversial issues.

John: May be. There were Nigerian journalists too, all-expense paid trip by the Nigerian government.

Betty: I guessed as much by their accent. There was one Juiliana! The way she pronounced the name I knew that she was my Okoro sister.

John: The only thing that sickened me was the narrative that once Trump received our President in the White House then it was an endorsement and that the man must be good enough for us.

Betty: I don’t know about that. I just know that Obama refused to visit Nigeria and GEJ never visited the White House for six and a half years!

John: No big deal. The U.S. made Osama Bin Laden, General Noriega and later destroyed them. American foreign policy is simply interest-driven!

Betty: True. Talking about destruction! The herdsmen fire is still burning! There have been more killings in Benue State. Now I want to believe that Boko Haram has infiltrated the herdsmen group.

John: The President himself said as much.

Betty: But the Defence Minister said that the herdsmen were defending themselves after the cattle routes were blocked!

John: I remember Fela Anikulapo-Kuti!

Betty: Yepa! Confusion broke bone!

John: Na you sa bi that one.

Betty: The senators!

John: What about them?

Betty: Do they want to impeach the President?

John: Naaaah! Just posturing! Not enough to do so. Impeachment is a political matter. For it to happen all the powerful forces in the country must agree to use it as a weapon to get somebody out of the way.

Betty: And you think the forces have not spoken?

John: The President means well. Purchasing the aircraft without formal approval is not proper. But it would have been scandalous if it was proved that the President used it to favour himself.

Betty: You have a point there. I’m waiting to see how the party conventions will go.

John: The heavens will not fall. We have always been on the brink.

Betty: Always on the brink. May be that is why we never make any real progress.

John: We have made progress jor. What do you mean? We no longer execute armed robbers publicly. We no longer have night soil men. We now have private jet owners!

Betty: Is that your measurement for progress? You are not talking about level of poverty or economic transformation!

John: It is because of economic transformation that we no longer have night-soil-men!

Betty: What about rail network across the country, linking up every town and cities?

John: You want trailer drivers to take up arms against the government?

Betty: The interest of the nation is paramount!

John: Is that why the lady in Ajah area of Lagos stabbed her husband to death, ripped open his stomach and cut off his genitals and placed them in his hands?

Betty: Individual interest. But the man ought to have left the house that night after calling his neighbour to complain about a knife-threat from his wife. A crazy woman can do anything

John: It’s exciting hearing this from a woman!

Betty: That she cut off his genitals suggests infidelity- the symbol of masculinity. But let’s wait till the matter gets to court, we need to know the facts of the case first.

John: If my wife threatens me with a knife at night, one of us certainly will not sleep in the house that night. And that person won’t be me, particularly if the woman has no child!

Betty: I have a meeting to attend at 12 noon today. But I must make a technical stopover at Ikeja before the noon meeting.

John: Which one is technical stopover again?

Betty: Ask the Presidency in Abuja! Hehehehehehe!

John: Let me come and be going jor before they give me the Dino treatment! I don’t want trouble!

Betty: Me too!


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