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Look Before You Leap

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THE problem with so many singles is that they often get carried away by irrelevancies, only for them to start complaining when it’s late. I was single, got married, found myself single again, and now I am married. Did I make the same mistake? Looked like I did even though I should be excused for the first mistake (my parents did). But when I found myself single again, I almost made that very common mistake of ignoring warning signs all in the name of “I love him”. Thank God I refused to be blinded by lust/infatuation.

  Okay, lets go into it.

You dated him for eight years before marriage and he was nice to you, only for him to change in marriage. You thought you knew him because you dated for eight years; I hear you. That you dated a man or woman for 10 years isn’t enough reason to know that person very well. In fact, statistics have shown that divorce rate is higher among couples who lived together before marriage. You can live together for as long as you can, but hear this: Things begin to change, and look different, the very moment it becomes marriage. Surprised? You don’t have to be sweetheart; that’s one of those realities of life. You just have to wake up and forget the fairy tale literature books.

  Most times, what we call dating is free and unlicensed sex. We are often blinded by the sex, kisses, pillow talks, endless ‘I love you’, gifts, and holidays that we find ourselves ignoring the future while planning to get into the future. The fact remains that once sex is introduced in a relationship, we begin to ignore things that require our attention. Women begin to use sex as a tool to control while men, on the other hand, see it as solution to difficulties and differences. But sex is far from being that, it can only help you to sweep under the carpet those issues that must be seen and addressed before marriage. That carpet is removed in marriage and that’s when those ugly issues begin to re-appear, one after the other.

  I know that certain societal factors make people, women especially, to ignore these warning signs. Our society has told women that without marriage, they are lesser beings. I agree that we all need each other, marriage is a beautiful thing. But does this make a single woman less a human? The answer is no. Many are in hell called marriage and wishing they had remained single; it’s difficult taking a step out because the society automatically sees a divorced woman as a failure. But for you to live happily, you must live beyond the dictates of the society. Many are also living in heaven on earth, their marriage is exciting and they are truly happy. I pray yours become one of such.

Let’s go back to the topic

  You are in that relationship and some of these signs are there:

 . He yells at you in public

. She disrespects you before friends and family

. She doesn’t allow you time with the boys or family

. He calls repeatedly claiming it’s because he misses you; he simply doesn’t trust you and lacks self-esteem, which is very common with abusers.

. He slaps you over every little misunderstanding

. He always complains about money

. She prefers eating out in big restaurants than cooking to save you some cash

. She’s never at home on weekends, always partying

. He can’t help nightclubbing

  You are looking at these signs now and, because of infatuation which you call love, you are enjoying it. He slaps you and later tells you it’s because he loves you and then you get a good gift; hope you enjoy it when he slaps you in marriage with no gift given. She parties and gates to cook; since you don’t see anything bad with it now, please don’t complain in marriage when all she does is buy aso-ebi for every party.  

  You enjoy his endless calls even while you attend to customers; please enjoy it in marriage because it can only get worse. Don’t tell me that all he does is nightclubbing; he didn’t just start it. She always wants to know what you are discussing with the boys; she just won’t let you spend time out with them. If you see these things and still go ahead with marriage, I just pity you.

  That man didn’t change, you only failed to put your eyes down and tell yourself the bitter truth. You were more into infatuation and fantasies than reality.

  That girl didn’t change; you enjoyed the endless sex and curves forgetting that some other things would matter someday. People don’t change; it’s either they removed the mask they had on or you got cured of your blindness.    

In fact, a higher percentage don’t come wearing any mask, their partner’s sight only get restored.

  You wanted a society big boy; you wanted a guy with broad chest and six-packs; you wanted a luxurious life; you loved his Porsche rides and home; you loved the way he took you round the world; you were carried away by the physical. Even though we all want those good things in life, they are not as important as the inner being of that man.

  As a man, you saw all her nasty attitudes; you noticed that she cannot even keep your house in order; she can’t feed you and has no time for your village. But you got swept off your feet by her sexiness, her curves, her fake boobs and butt, her angelic voice and fashion sense; you got blinded by the sex forgetting that it’s something you would get tired of someday. Now, she’s everything you never wanted in a wife; sir, it was your mistake; it’s possible you left a very good and homely girl for her because she was a happening babe.

 For those of you yet to get into this institution called marriage, you better wake up and tell yourself the truth. If you don’t; you will become a radical feminist or a chauvinist someday. When you see those women fighting for equality in the home, a good number of them are bitter as a result of their own mistakes. I made that mistake at first but it didn’t make me an angry woman; I picked up the lessons and now I am happy because I refused to blame anyone, not even my parents, for that mistake. I trusted God for a new life, a second chance and He gave it to me.

 Have you been battered and abandoned? Did that girl used and dumped you? Don’t get angry, miss all for your good. There are still good men and women out there. You only become a failure when you start blaming others for your mistakes and problems.

 Trust me on this; God can give you a new beginning.  If you are seeing these warning signs now, please help yourself by doing the needful. You are better single and happy than married and living in misery.

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Email: amara@amarablessing.com



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