The Secure Attachment Style


Of all things worthy of admiration in humans, a person who is personally secure in himself tops the list. In the last article, we elaborated on three attachment styles: Anxious, Dismissive Avoidant and Fearful-avoidant attachment style.
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Secure attachment style being the fourth. By virtue of the name ‘secure’, it can be inferred that the first three attachment styles are insecure, but in different ways.

An attachment style is basically formed by the combination of one’s personality and the relationship with a parent/primary caregiver during infancy and childhood. It is common knowledge that we react differently to the same situation as individuals, babies inclusive. Hence, it is possible for one household with the same parents to produce four siblings with the four different attachment styles. By the way, have you ever wondered why firstborns think the lastborn are spoilt? Or why grandparents are too ‘soft’ on their grandkids? A parent also evolves. The age of the parent, their stage in life and the number of years in parenting are all factors. Now, let us delve into the two possible combinations (personality and parenting style) that make up a Secure person.

  1. A secure person despite the parenting style
  2. A secure person because of the parenting style

A Secure Person Despite the Parenting Style
For a person under this category, it does not matter the amount of care and affection shown by the parent, personality serves as a strong shield. As babies, they were either too friendly and playful with everyone to care if a parent was absent, they probably had playmates or loved to play by themselves. When scolded by a parent, they somehow never thought too much of it due to their free-spirited and joyful nature. As long as they have access to their basic needs, they’re indifferent about affection. They grow into adults who are emotionally balanced, never thinking the worst of others or themselves, hardly even thinking of themselves in the first place.
It is safe to guess that their shield is their insensitivity, which is why they rely solely on verbal communication unlike other attachment styles that can be triggered verbally or otherwise, due to childhood trauma.

They are confident, patient, tolerant, forgiving, not perfect but not thinking too much of it either.

A Secure Person Because Of The Parenting Style
This is a sensitive person who was raised with optimal care and affection. This does not mean they were spoiled by their parents. The environment in which they were raised as a child and the parenting style of their caregiver met their emotional needs to the letter T. They were never made to feel ‘too much’. They felt reassured by the words and actions of their parents at times when they felt unloved.

As adults, they have a good self-image and even if they are still sensitive, what they think of themselves are all the great things they believed in childhood. They do feel bad when mistreated but are brushed off easily because the voice in their head is that of an ally and not an enemy.

You Too Can Be Secure
At the end of the day, whether you disagree with the saying “It is You against the world”, you will agree that it should never be You against yourself. It all boils down to what we tell ourselves when no one can hear. We might have been neglected and hurt emotionally as kids, all that has already happened and there is no changing the past. A good way to start the journey to self-security is to show compassion to yourself to your parents, they did the best they could with the knowledge they had.
We are adults now, our very own caregivers. Just as you provide your material needs for yourself, you can do the same emotionally, it is not too late to:

    • Tell yourself all the kind words you wish you heard as a child.
    • Treat yourself with the kindness and affection you wish you received as a child.
    • Get to know yourself (meditate, enjoy time alone).
    • Appreciate yourself daily for your strengths.
    • Do the things you love and are good at often.

When you hear the voices in your head tearing your down, do not shut it up, rather quieten it with self-compassion and words of affirmation.
Man, love thyself.
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