MY husband has stopped showing me affection and has gradually become extremely verbally abusive and extremely physically abusive over the past three years of our marriage. He shows no affection, does not hug or cuddle and never engages with me on any level. He does not even apologize for the abuse.

I think I may have married a monster. The ironic thing is that he was the polar opposite of this when I married him. He was so happy, kind, caring, considerate, and affectionate, and he cuddled in bed with me all night every night. This changed and he gives me reasons from ‘you be nice first’ to ‘when I stop doing this or start doing that, or give me more time, or I am mad at you for this or that’. Any reason for being angry or resentful towards me has already been done back to me three fold.

He is a score keeper and brings up the past. He also does things to me that I never do to him. I do not lie, I tell the truth no matter what as he asked me to be that way. But guess what? He chooses to lie and does not cop to his lie, he will stick to his lie even when I would not really be upset other than the fact that he is lying over some stupid thing to begin with. I feel like I married an 18 year old. He is lazy, has no good job, no car, and perhaps no ambition.

He yells and threatens me on a daily basis, and I am very depressed and scared. I ask if we should separate and he says no and tells me he loves me. His actions demonstrate clearly that he not only does not love me but that he is most concerned about his own needs and little care about my needs (emotional or otherwise).

To make matters worse, our sex life is terrible. He is selfish in bed, it’s over in minutes, he is so rude even though it bores me. Additionally, we argue constantly and he has distorted ideas and major trust issues. He violates my sense of dignity on a daily basis. He does little if nothing to help around the house or bring in any income. He is very, very loving and affectionate towards my dog and towards his daughter who is 11 years old. I rationalize his behavior as he says he acts like this because he is closest to me and he is damaged from his father abusing him. He experienced extreme abuse and so I rationalize his actions.

However, part of me feels that I am an idiot and he is just using me. I do not think that I love him anymore because he has hurt me and crossed boundaries that should never be crossed under any circumstances. I am afraid of him and I feel betrayed. I feel like I am exhausted from supporting him and his daughter and getting absolutely nothing in return, not even respect. He only considers his needs and will let me do things to make ends meet that the man should do. I wanted to make my marriage work and I have tried my best, he just has no compassion. I am wondering if he is narcissistic and/or a sociopath.

The question is, at what point in a marriage do you leave? I am with no self-esteem and feeling like my compassion is being taken advantage of. I do not believe therapy will help because he has gone for two years prior to meeting me for anger issues among other issues. Should I leave him or am I abandoning a man that needs to be loved too?

Lizzy

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