Dealing with the past

THE past can be an unyielding companion. Like a baggage, everyone born of a woman must, of necessity, bear his or her own. While the past, for some, may be replete with countless unforgettable memories they will be pleased to relive and even celebrate for a lifetime, others dread it like little children do the bogeyman.

But, those who wish away the past often forget or are just in plain denial of the fact that it is, in a way, a window into the present, which can also have ramifications for the future. This explains why it is important, for most discerning people, to steer clear of evil deeds and words today, lest tomorrow holds them accountable for their past missteps. Indeed, so crucial is the past in the human psycho –social matrix that it is a ready weapon of politicking.

   In Nigeria, this election year, for instance, public office –seekers have, literally, swamped us, for good or bad reasons, via the print, electronic, out – of – home and social media, by the past of one another. At the risk of seeming to cry wolf where there is none, we have been daily inundated with the benign, untoward and outright malicious about most, if not all the contestants vying for one public office or another. Where real issues relating to good governance and how to achieve the greatest good in the interest of the greatest number should take pre-eminence, the men and women who chase after power, have shifted their focus to unearthing one another’s past – even when they have to reconstruct or embellish it – in the hope of gaining cheap political sympathy. But, the past remains exactly what it is: an insistent reverberation so difficult to muffle or mute.

    Anyone who has witnessed a re-union of old classmates will readily attest to the fact that the past, like potent wine, can also be intoxicating. This statement will begin to resonate with you more, when you see these ‘Old boys or girls’, who have, in the course of time, been transformed to men and women, excitedly recalling their experiences of the past. These stories can range from sheer academic achievements to amorous escapades and trysts.

Truly, while some of these old school students remember the days when they were locked in a healthy rivalry, one with another, others can never forget their first dates, first kisses and so on. In fact, I can bet my bottom Naira on it, that some of us must have one story or another to tell, of our past dalliances, which began in our school days. Owing to either peer pressure or other factors, not unconnected with growing up, it is in the secondary school that a lot of us had a foretaste of unconditional love. These were the days of innocence, when a girl could have a crush on you or agree to date you, on account of your brilliance, ability to socialise or good looks. Those, indeed, were days when money did not count for anything in a boy-girl relationship. Ah…those were days!

   But, while some people are at liberty to embrace their memorable past, soaking in its sweet fragrance, like a man does his favourite perfume, it is only advisable that others, to whom the past has been rather unfavourable, should also remain true to it, lest it catches up with them and puts their present, or even future in jeopardy. And this is what has, persistently, given me the creeps about the women. 

Truth is, the past can, at once, be a friend or foe .It depends on how you treat your relationship with it.

   Which brings me to this knotty question: While most men are, usually, not ashamed to share a past that they may not, necessarily, be proud of with anyone, women are not so persuaded. Why?

    To be sure, most rags-to-riches biographies I have read are from men. What is more interesting? These men see ‘talking’ about their past as not just therapy but also an empowerment and motivational tool, which can transport other men, whose station in life may be a direct consequence of lowly birth or an unsavoury past, into greatness.

    The story of Barrack Obama, for instance, is known to the world. Not even at the defining moment of his political career, did he expunge the fact of his descent from a lineage of Kenyan peasants, from his story. Today, he is in the saddle as the steersman of the world’s most powerful and esteemed country!  We are also familiar with the not-too-noble past of the late Poet, Maya Angelou and the world – acclaimed talk show hostess, Oprah Winfrey, both also of the United States of America. These successful women were able to rise above their otherwise limiting circumstances to earn global acclaim, appeal and respect in their individual careers. So, what is wrong with some Nigerian women? Why are they so rabidly secretive about their past, when they can deal with it and move on to build new lives out of the rubble of yesterday? I find this, really, disturbing.

    Why, for example, will a woman, who has had a child before ‘ Mr. Right ‘ came calling, hide her past from him, when she knows, for certain, that it is sheer indiscretion to leave it until too late? Indeed, why would a woman who, for circumstances totally out of her hands, not be open with any man who finds her worthy enough for marriage, regardless? Why? True, the women may be hamstrung about being open with their past owing to our cultural hang-ups. But, hey! The world is moving at a dizzying pace, dear women.

Candidly, women can do better at finding the will to deal with the bogeys of their past. This way, they can settle into their new lives in unperturbed peace of mind.

olawaleobadeyi@gmail.com