One would naturally assume that the squabbles and quarrels you have with your siblings will end in childhood, but that is very far from the truth. These little squabbles and malice here and there can grow into full-blown envy, fights, and sibling rivalry.
A study conducted in 2021 by One Poll for Now surveyed 2,000 adults about their relationship with their siblings. The research revealed that over 50% of adult siblings continue to argue and feel competitive towards each other. And one-third of respondents say they’ve stopped talking to a sibling altogether at some point in their lives.
Sibling rivalry is common and oftentimes begins when the second child is born. The first child feels they must now share their parents’ attention, which creates feelings of resentment. Meanwhile, the younger sibling may feel the need to always catch up to or exceed their older sibling’s achievements.
The role parents play
Like it or not, parents have a huge impact on whether rivalry between siblings escalates into a deep-rooted issue later on in adulthood. How parents handle conflicts and give attention can affect how siblings relate to each other.
This article explores the common causes of sibling rivalry and strategies for resolution.
3 Common reasons behind sibling rivalry in adulthood
1. Individual differences
Despite being born by the same parents, siblings can develop different personalities and temperaments. They can have opposing views on social issues, different hobbies, and no shared interests. This can cause them to grow apart and be uninterested in spending time together.
2. Parental attention and resources
Parental favouritism, whether real or perceived, can significantly impact the relationship between siblings.
For instance, excessively scolding and punishing one child for a mishap, and then being lenient with another child can breed resentment amongst them. Always praising and dotting on one child while ignoring the other children’s achievements can further fuel this.
Research conducted by the Journal of Family Psychology shows that unresolved childhood conflicts can persist into adulthood.
Furthermore, disputes over parents’ resources aren’t uncommon. One major case study of this is a parent’s will. When one child is made the executor of the will or given a larger portion of the inheritance, ultimately breeds rivalry. According to Business Wire, a financial planning company, 68% of sibling arguments are over their parent’s finances.
3. Comparison and competition
A typical example of this is in cases where siblings attend the same school. They pass through the same classes and eventually have the same teachers. Younger siblings tend to face the brunt of this when teachers make comparisons between them and their older ones. Societal and familial comparisons can consciously or unconsciously fuel jealousy and rivalry.
In adulthood, this rivalry can extend to career achievements, societal status, and personal success.
READ ALSO: 4 Ways Your Siblings Influence You
3 Strategies for resolving adult sibling rivalry
1. Open communication
First and foremost, reconciliation cannot be done when things are bottled up inside and not spoken about. Effective communication is crucial in resolving rivalry between siblings. A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that open and honest conversations can help people understand each other’s point of view and reduce misunderstandings.
Most importantly, conflict resolution involves truly hearing and understanding each other’s feelings. And then, discussing issues without pointing fingers or criticism.
2. Set boundaries
It is okay to acknowledge that things may not be the same again. This is because a lot of time has passed and you are adults now. Although maintaining a cordial relationship is essential, boundaries can be put in place. This looks like respecting each other’s individual lives and privacy. And also maintaining social etiquette during family gatherings.
3. Therapy
While therapy is seen as this vague solution that is always slapped onto issues, it could provide a solution for resolving deep-seated issues. Family therapy, in particular, can be an avenue for siblings to speak their minds in front of a licensed therapist and seek professional advice.
4. Practice forgiveness
Research in the Journal of Behavioural Medicine suggests that forgiveness can reduce stress and improve one’s mental health. Forgive, if not for the sake of the other person but for your wellbeing. Forgiveness involves letting go of past resentment and empathising with each other’s perspectives.
5. Pouring into yourself
Lastly, focusing on your growth and development as a person can reduce dependency on sibling validation. Engage in activities that bring you personal satisfaction and you excel at. Develop relationships and friendships outside of the family dynamic.
