Hear My Heart
As we talk about ‘Intimacy,’ I wish to share with you something we neglect in our relationships. We know it, but we don’t use it. In fact, most times we take it for granted.
How do we know things or know people? What do we know? Are we sure what we know is right? Knowing is what relationship is based on. To really be close to a person is to know the person.
Most times, what we think we know about people or things can be wrong, because our source of information is faulty. I used to say that it is not what we don’t know that is killing us, but what we know wrongly. Wrong information is more dangerous than ignorance.
Many of us lose our partners because we think we know them because we have lived together or been together for say five years or 10 years.
The truth is that it takes a lifetime to really know a person. It is even when a person dies that we properly interpret their characters or things about them we did not understand earlier. We only see the full length of a tree when it is down.
It was when Jesus died on the Cross that those who crucified Him said, ‘truly, this is the son of God.’
The point is that we need to know our partner. We need to know what we need to know. There are things we don’t need to know; things that might not make you happy. You will have the best in your marriage if you know only what is important to be known.
You wonder why your husband is seeing another lady; perhaps she has known a part of him you are too busy to know. She has reached him where you haven’t. The same for you, sir.
A man wins a woman’s heart when he reaches where others haven’t. And every time we talk with our friends and loved ones, we want them to hear what we are not able to explain. And that can only be possible when we LISTEN.
This skill is lacking in many relationship. We don’t find time to talk to each other because no one wants to listen to each other. We think we win people’s heart when we talk, much or funny or romantically.
Believe me, you will only make sense when you talk only after you have listened. You can’t hit a cord when you don’t know the music. To be an effective listener, I suggest the following:
Look into your partner’s eyes. We have two ears, one mouth. We hear with one ear and understand with the other.
One way to get into your spouse’s mind is by looking into his/her eyes as he/she speaks. You will notice a lot learn a lot. Then you will hear even words that are not yet spoken.
Never interrupt; be quiet. Don’t think you know what the next statement is. Allow the person to talk, so that you can properly evaluate.
Let the person say everything, both offensive and stupid ones. Just let the emotions flow.
Don’t be judgmental. Some of us are prejudiced against certain things or ways of talking. Save it. In a relationship, allow for sincere expression. You don’t have to agree with everything the person says, but remember that everyone has a way of seeing things.
A little tolerance and acceptance will help bring about understanding.
Participate. When a person is talking, listen in such a way that you will know when something is funny, then smile or laugh. If you skipped a part, you ask questions to be cleared.
Make signs like yes, ‘I get it’ … ‘okay’ … ‘that’s true’ …. ‘Really.’ It will make your partner know that you are getting it.
Take note of the main point. Sometimes, when people talk with us or dialogue, we miss out the main issue because we don’t like the medium or method of communication.
Maybe you don’t like the way the person said it or toned it, but that is not the purpose of listening. Get to the point.
Pick out essentially what the discussion is about your partner may say, like ‘am tired, I don’t like this, I won’t do it again.’ Then you say, ‘fine. You are done with me, why are you still here. Okay, let’s split’. You got it wrong.
The person was upset or angry and was trying to let you know the level of frustration. Maybe she is just saying you don’t show much love or it’s been long you made love to or asked her out or sent her a nice text.
Please note the main point and don’t twist the message to score a position. You have listened well if you know what exactly the person means.
Respond with a non-judgmental and sometimes non-verbal tender ways. You may need to say something like, ‘I understand’ or ‘this is why I did it’ or ‘I think it should be better this way.’
But highlight points raised by your spouse and be very considerate and sensitive when giving answers or response.
The good of communication is to understand each other for a more profitable relationship, with less conflict. Let it be done in such a way that you will end with a hug or handshake or even love making.
We need peace in the home to make progress. And peace is not the absence of war, but the presence of love. Love is not a game, but will require some skill, some approach, some spice.
If we hope for a meaningful and fulfilling marriage, we need to do whatever it takes.
-E. C. Samuel
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