After years of men enduring silence in domestic and sexual abuses on the ground of patriarchy, BERTRAM NWANNEKANMA reports that the trend is gradually changing with more men reporting abuses to authorities.

A Lagos-based lawyer, and sexual rights advocate, Taiwo Akinlami’s childhood was truncated before it took off. He was six when an older female neighbour, in whose custody his parents left me when he returned from school, began to violate him sexually.

The sexual abuse assumed a serial nature spanning across two years of his childhood.

According to him, the errors committed by his parents in this avoidable saga, which stole his innocence and childhood were found on the ground that they never had a conversation with him on sexuality education or any other relevant matter.

He was also not told to report sexual abuse at the speed of suspicion, which is the safe timing for reporting child sexual abuse.

Akinlami said he was not sure his parents were aware of what he today calls “Strategies for Preventing Child Sexual Abuse (SPRECSA),” not to mention understanding the three pillars of healthy Child Sexuality Education (CSE).

He survived domestic violence as a child, and has shared his story extensively in his autobiography: The Burden and Wisdom of Parenting: The Journey from an Erased Childhood to a Transformed Adulthood.

He said: “I experienced physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. The sexual abuse happened in my home, not by my parents, but by a neighbour. The physical and emotional abuse came mainly from my father, and both my parents were guilty of neglect.

“But I don’t hold resentment. I believe my parents weren’t evil people—they simply lacked knowledge. They didn’t know what to do or how to do it. They lacked the skills and fortitude to parent effectively, and as a result, they made significant mistakes that impacted my life.

“When I became a Christian in 1997, I began to find healing and learned how to navigate my way out of the trauma from my childhood.

“I realised that by speaking up, I could help others who had suffered in similar ways. My motivation to speak comes from a desire to let others know that no matter how you were raised, you can change your path. Change is always possible if you’re willing to take responsibility for it.

“That’s why I continue to speak out to let people know that change is an ever-present possibility for anyone ready to embrace it.”

Akinlami’s case represents what many male folks pass through because of that singular behavioural pattern that civilisation gave to men not to ever cry out.

Like the ancient Spartans, they are raised to endure their pains, unlike the womenfolk who are more amiable to attract sympathy.

Also, domestic and sexual violence is still largely seen as a problem predominantly perpetrated by men at the subnational and national levels.

However, with time, there are emerging trends of male folks reporting cases of domestic and sexual violence.

For instance, the Lagos State government reported that, over the last six years, more than 1,000 men came forward to report domestic violence.

The Guardian observed that the trend is gradually eroding the effect of patriarchy, which has remained one of the reasons many male victims remain silent whilst being abused by their spouses and partners.

Findings by The Guardian showed that a total of 382 male victims reported cases of domestic violence- physical, emotional, and verbal abuse against them by their spouses/partners in 2023, against 281 reported in 2022, which represented an increase of 35.94 per cent.

Further details also showed a trajectory of increase as in 2021, 162 men reported, 235 men reported in 2020, while in 2019, only 162 men reported cases of abuse against them.

The Guardian also gathered that many men on the ground of patriarchy have been suffering in silence leading to untimely deaths.

While there may not be a scientific correlation between silence to abuses and untimely deaths of the menfolk, the Executive Secretary, of Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (LDSVA), Mrs Titilola Vivour-Adeniyi, said that it is important to realise that patriarchy is the enemy of both genders.

She said patriarchy is one of the reasons that would cause a man to remain silent whilst being abused. “So, we have to use this medium to encourage men to break the culture of silence, to speak up and speak out.”

According to her, in the year 2023, the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency recorded an increase in reporting from men. Out of 6,389 cases, including adults and children, a total of 382 males reported cases of domestic violence- physical, emotional, and verbal abuse against them by their spouses/partners.

“Whilst in 2022, the number of men that reported was 281. In 2021, 162 men reported; in 2020, 235 men reported, while in 2019 – 162 men reported

“So, we have recorded a slight increase of reported cases from men over the years. As a survivor-centered agency, in keeping with the principle of client self-determination, we empower our clients with information so that they can decide for themselves.

“Most male survivors typically request for their partner to be called, for a meeting to be convened to ascertain the way forward, be it separation, access and maintenance of the children or for both parties to access psycho-social support.

“Some male survivors also request for the case to be referred to the police for criminal actions to be instituted against their alleged abusers. All of these services are offered at no cost to the survivor.

“Our advocacy for men has led to different programmes including, The Hidden Crime, Violence Against Men, Men Wey Sabi, and of course, our Kings Club Initiative, which seeks to promote positive masculinity amongst our young boys,” she added.

But Managing Partner, Partnership for Justice, and Founder, Mirabel Centre, Lagos, Mrs Itoro Eze-Anaba, noted that despite the spontaneous increment, the number of incidents is different from reported cases.

She stressed that what is being reported is still less than five to 10 per cent of the actual cases.

According to her, you cannot equate the number of incidents to what people are reporting.

Eze-Anaba, however, applauded men who defy all odds to report abuses against them, by their spouses, linking it to confidence in the system, awareness about domestic violence, and the fact that the state will not condone such violations either from a man or woman.

She said: “There is evidence of the government’s intentions to ensure that whether it is a man or a woman, you are held accountable for the violations that have taken place. There have always been issues of violence against men. The problem is that it has not been documented.

“I know that in Sokoto State, where we have Nana Khadija Centre, the first one-stop centre for survivors of gender-based violence in North West Nigeria, we have more male survivors reporting in three years than what we have in Lagos State.

“It has always been there, it is just being documented now, so for Lagos State, it is kudos to the amount of work put in place and the fact that the government has provided an enabling environment for victims, male and female, to come and get help.

“People now have confidence in the system that if they report, even though there is stigmatisation, there is a support system for them from non-governmental organisations, and because there is now a lot of awareness.

“Do not forget that we now have family support we need from the police, and there is continuous sharing of police officers to respond to the issue. Lagos State also has a special court that is dealing with this particular issue, almost every month or thereabout, we hear of cases of violators, or perpetrators being held accountable, all these bring confidence to the survivors that if they report there is going to be justice for them but we need to monitor for 10 years and check for the impact of the work done and figure out why more people are reporting and in what particular area,” she added.

Eze-Anaba also said that the greatest achievement in the last 10 years has been putting rape and domestic violence in the public space.

According to her, “The issue is now being discussed, unlike when it was never a subject of discussion; previously we could not discuss it. We were all in denial, but in the last 10 years we have proven by evidence that domestic violence, rape, and sexual violence are happening and we can show by reliable data that it is happening and where it is happening, where it’s coming from and we have been able to make some changes, especially in access to justice, those are the things that we have achieved, and why people are becoming comfortable to speak about it,” she added.

Also, Founder and Executive Director at Women’s Rights and Health Project (WRAHP), Bose Ironsi, said that the trend is a signpost that men are now realising that if women can get justice, they too can also get justice.

She stressed that while men are raised to endure their pains and not to speak out, they are beginning to speak up because they now know that generally, violence is unacceptable, and just as women are also able to speak up they are also speaking up.

According to her, 106 out 1, 056 who visited their centre were men, who said they didn’t want to take laws into their hands.

She said: “Don’t forget the reason why it always looks as if only women were being abused is because men survivors feel that they must not cry out because of low self-esteem. I’m talking from my perspective. So, there are two things; men are now speaking up to say that it is not only women who have been abused, men are also finding it more comfortable.

“When you speak out; when you don’t manage your pain alone, you will be able to get help.
So, now we are also creating a platform for therapy because some men are also going through trauma. So, I think that it is a good thing for men to speak out. When they keep quiet they do more damage.

“The law is for women and men to speak out because violence in any way is bad, especially domestic violence where children are there learning by what they see, and not what you tell them,” she stated

Ironsi, who is also a psychologist advised that those in relationships should not place so much expectations on their partners because they can make mistakes, as it is only when it is done intentionally, or severely that it will become an issue.

But for Akinlami, the increasing number of men coming forward to report being victims of domestic violence does mean that more men are experiencing domestic violence than women, but it simply shows that men are feeling more confident in reporting these issues.

According to him, the key issue is the increased clarity and awareness, particularly in Lagos, where there has been significant effort from the government to address the issue.

He noted that a lot of these changes can be attributed to the work of the Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Agency in Lagos, under the leadership of Mrs. Titilola Vivour-Adeniyi.

“They have created an environment where people, including men, feel comfortable coming forward to report these incidents. This increased awareness and the government’s active response have helped to build trust among men, who previously might have felt unable to speak out.

To expand the progress, using Lagos State as a template, Akinlami stressed the continued effort to raise awareness.

He also advocated a cultural shift where men need to understand that being strong or being a man doesn’t mean they can’t be victims of domestic violence.

“In Lagos, I’ve been part of men’s groups under the Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency, where we discuss things like positive masculinity, breaking the stigma that men can’t experience domestic abuse.

“To make this progress spread across Nigeria, we need awareness and a structured response. It’s not enough to just encourage people to speak up; there needs to be a reliable system in place to handle complaints.

“In Lagos, complaints are addressed, which builds confidence in the system. Men see that their reports are being taken seriously and resolved, which encourages others to come forward. So, for sustainability, Lagos must continue doing what it’s doing—improving and empowering the response system.

“There need for constant evaluation and strengthening of the agency responsible for addressing domestic and sexual violence. The leadership that has driven this change must be supported to keep the momentum going.

“Across the board, these systems need to be able to deal with the unique challenges that men and women face. Whether male or female, victims need to know that they will be heard and that their complaints will be acted upon. The structure must be strong enough to ensure swift and fair responses,” he added.