When I got married to Carol in 1986, I used to wonder why she used to get frustrated over some minor things. What I used to do, then, was to help her quickly get the tasks fixed. At that time of my emotional growth, I am very sure that my helping her to solve the problem was more of showing her how intelligent I was.

As the years went by, I was getting fed up with her easily getting frustrated with some minor things.I thought she should mature. I guess about three times in our marriage, I told her things like “this matter is too little to get you frustrated.” Each time I told her that, she would get more frustrated. After noticing that my action created more tension in our marriage I decided to change gear. I decided to mature. I matured after I discovered that when a woman is frustrated over a matter, what she needs more from her husband is love, understanding, empathy and tender care. If a man should fix the problem for her without these ingredients, as far as the woman is concerned it is as if the man cooked what he sees as delicious melon (egusi) soup, but without egusi.

A normal woman does not only want her problem solved by her husband or fiancé; she wants it solved mixed with the four powerful ingredients mentioned earlier. In short, she needs more of your attention more than your fixing the problem.

Anyway, I decided to mature into this level of love, understanding empathy tender care and attention. But I found out that I helped her solve a problem that frustrated her with love and tender care about 80 per cent of the time. About 20 per cent of the time, I will be angry within me wondering why she will not handle such a little matter.

After solving the problem, she will lovingly tell me “darling, thank you.” But the truth is that about 20 per cent of the time, I did not do the job in love. It was not until last Christmas when I read a book about Catherine and William Booth (founders of the world famous Salvation Army who died many decades ago) that I found out that I still had much to learn.

These English born Christians (Catherine and William Booth) who had eight children with one of them needing constant life-long care because she was autistic, performed the roles of a wife, mother and preacher; deciding what to cook in the home and preparing the food. Let me use this opportunity to let all males know that deciding the meals the family should eat and how to go about preparing the meal is not an easy task. It takes some mental energy from any woman. I was happy to find out from the book on the Booths that each time William found his wife getting frustrated or tensed up about certain tasks, instead of mechanically helping her fix the problem, he will lovingly hold her hands, comfort her and pray with her. Catherine will then regain her strength and joy. No wonder IPeter 3:7 instructs men to know that their wives are delicately wired both physically and emotionally and should be handled with care.

Since I read the book, I have decided to mature into the level that William Booth matured into. But I was surprised that it took me 38 years of marriage, but about 36 years experience of being a marriage counsellor to grow to this level. Kai! Anyway, “wetin I go talk be say” we should not stop learning and maturing. No man knows it all. No woman knows it all. We should be humble enough to keep learning on how to make our marriages work. Let us wise up! Love you.