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Treading safely through the windy road of abusive relationship

By Kehinde Olatunji
05 April 2019   |   3:32 am
Residents in the neigbourhood were at first startled by the first sound, but as the brawl continued, they seemed not to be bothered. It wasn’t the first time their evenings had been interrupted with such howls.

Paaaa! The sound was deafening as it shattered the eerie stillness of the night at about 11:25p.m. This was followed by a scuffle from the three-bedroom apartment.

Residents in the neigbourhood were at first startled by the first sound, but as the brawl continued, they seemed not to be bothered. It wasn’t the first time their evenings had been interrupted with such howls.

Adejuwon, surname withheld, could at a glance be considered a respected gentleman. He is easygoing, unassuming and is not wont to ruffle any feathers. These qualities and many more got him the position of president of a renowned organisation. This man, if anything, remained a friend to all, except his wife.

Adejuwon was enduring all to keep his marital status intact. Bogged down by the weight of societal expectations, he kept at it, suffering and smiling, in local parlance, to keep his home, while doing well to conceal the pain even as his heart bled. What was his issue: At the slightest provocation, his wife beat him.

“What would people say? How would my church consider it? What examples am I laying for others?” were questions that held him back when he sometimes considered divorce. He kept struggling with his life’s contradictions until he decided to seek help, a bold step though with quaky feet, from a marriage counselor and then began the slow walk to healing.

Adejuwon, at age 40, had married his wife in a well-attended and colourful ceremony after he lost his first love to the cold hands of death. Until his journey to some redemption, he had endured a long ordeal in the abusive relationship just when he need a respite from the loss of his first wife.

Adejuwon’s case, once rare, is now a familiar story told in many customary and magistrates courts across the country; just as the cases of women being at the receiving end of domestic violence, are also not abating.

Now, both male and female are beaten and battered in an abusive relationship, and coming forward with their stories in search of help in a growing acceptance of the #MeToo campaign, a movement encouraging victims of domestic and sexual violence to speak out, no matter how highly placed. The #MeToo movement, with a large variety of local and international alternative names, is a movement against sexual harassment and sexual assault.

Quoting Aisha Mirza, a sexual assault and domestic violence counselor based in London, who said “It is not the bruises on the body that hurt, but the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind,” the #MeToo campaigners across the world see the ‘Speak up and speak out’ route as a useful means of seeking help, closure and healing.

Adejuwon story is related to that of an Ibadan-based businessman, Oluwatosin Bakare, who told an Ile-Tuntun Customary Court sitting in Mapo, Ibadan, to dissolve his seven-year-old union to his wife, Enitan, because she frequently beat him.

Bakare, who lives at Labo Owo, Dugbe area of Ibadan, cited frequent batteries and threats to his life as reasons for his prayers for divorce. He expressed regret on his refusal to make a thorough research before he got married to Enitan.

He narrated his ordeal: “My lord, as soon as Enitan got into my house, she began to act strange. She challenges my authority on most issues. I have made efforts to correct her misbehaviour by informing our pastor, but rather than turn a new leaf, Enitan’s attitude worsened, making the pastor’s intervention ineffective.

“In October 2018, Enitan, on entering our bedroom, gave me a deafening slap as she followed it up by bringing out a knife to stab me. I, however, managed to escape unhurt. I cannot count the number of times she had attacked and torn my clothes in the church and at other public gatherings. Sometimes, if I leave the office late, Enitan would challenge me and even beat me on getting home. On November 16, 2018, she attacked me with a chisel in the church.”

Also, Mary Adeniyi, aged 19, recently confessed to killing her husband for accusing her of sleeping with other men. While parading her at the Lagos command headquarters, the Police Public Relations Officer (PPRO), Chike Oti, said the deceased was fond of accusing his wife of infidelity.

“The man has been accusing his wife of infidelity. Fight broke out between the couple when the man accused her again on Friday. The suspect grabbed a knife and stabbed the man on the neck. The man died on the spot,” he said.

Mary, who lives in Sagamu area of Ikorodu, said she stabbed her husband to death out of anger. Regretting her actions, Mary said she was angry and acted out of control. “I never knew when I grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him out of anger. I never meant to kill him. I regret my action and ask for forgiveness,” she said.

In a related development, a prosecution witness on February 25, 2019, gave graphic details of last year’s gruesome killing of Lagos lawyer, Symphorosa Otike-Odibi, by her lawyer wife, Udeme, before an Igbosere High Court.

The witness, Olusegun Bamidele, an assistant superintendent of police in the Homicide Section, State Criminal Investigation Department (CID), Panti, told the court that Udeme, in her statement, confessed to killing her husband and cutting his manhood.

Udeme was arraigned on June 13, 2018 on a two-count charge of murder and misconduct with regard to a corpse by Lagos Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP), Titilayo Shitta-Bey.

According to the prosecutor, Udeme stabbed Symphorosa to death and mutilated his body by cutting off his genitals on May 3, 2018, at their Diamond Estate, Sangotedo, Lekki, Lagos home.

Bamidele said: “Udeme stated that the deceased was having extra-marital affairs and whenever she raised the issue with him, his responses were not satisfactory, he appeared nonchalant. She said on May 2, she was preparing to travel to United Kingdom when she checked the bedside locker for her marriage certificate. When she could not find it, she went to the deceased where he lay on the bed and asked him about it but there was no response.

“She had a discussion with him and there was a hot exchange of words, which made her to go to the kitchen and get a frying pan and knife. When she returned to where the deceased lay, she hit him on the head with the frying pan and said ‘Tell me, what is in your mind that you are withholding.’

“She stated that the deceased called his mother to report her conduct. She continued to hit the deceased on the head again and again. Finally, she confirmed that she used the knife to stab the deceased in his abdomen. She also said while the deceased was lying on his back, she was still angry. She sat beside him, looking at his intestines coming out of the deceased and said: ‘If this your penis is the one that is giving you license to have the feelings for another person, it’s better we cut it off,’ she proceeded to do so with the same knife she used in stabbing him and hanged a piece of the penis in the deceased right hand.”

Women too have also been victims of domestic violence that led to the loss of their lives. Last month, judgment was delivered in the case of Lekan Sonde, who killed his banker wife in Egbeda area of Lagos in 2016.

In both cultural and religious beliefs, women have been told to remain in their husband’s house even when the going gets tough. The mention of divorce or separation is seriously frowned at.

Some spiritual leaders have counseled their members to even stay in abusive marriages while some victims are scared of living up to the stigma of a broken home.

A clinical psychologist at the University of Lagos, Dr. Uzo Israel, narrated the story of a lady who was killed by her husband. According to her, prior to her demise, the lady had moved out of her husband’s house to live with her parents but was asked to go back and make her marriage work.

She added that domestic violence could also be emotional, saying these are acts perpetrated against an individual could cause emotional distress against the person. “Nobody should hit the other, there should be no battery between the couple, that is the rule. So, when there is any form of physical abuse or assault then the person has crossed the line.

“Two persons can quarrel but when it gets to one person hitting the other, especially when one party is weaker than the other, the stronger party now takes advantage of the strong position against the weaker person, which could either be the male or the female. The extreme form is when one partner loses his or her life or get maimed in the process.”

Speaking with The Guardian, Chief Executive Officer, Intimate Solution Network, Dr. Tolulope Oko-Igaire, noted that in counseling, there is what is called cycle of abuse, which evolves around seven stages.

“The abuser gets angry and sees the need to abuse, looks for reasons, then carries out his or her actions after which he regrets and apologizes. But he goes ahead to put the victim under control and if he or she is not seeing that, he goes back to the beginning.”

Oko-Igaire, who is also the provost of the Institute of Counseling in Nigeria, said it is not easy to quickly identify an abuser in marriage, saying that they could be quiet at the first glance.

“There are pointers: the person gets agitated easily and changes mood suddenly. Such person’s eyes might turn red at the slightest misunderstanding, sweaty palms, shaky hands, or biting of lips when angry. This doesn’t mean everyone that indicates these symptoms is an abuser but they could be helpful pointers,” she said.

She noted that in terms of punishment meted out to culprits either male or female, there shouldn’t be partiality, “whoever that kills should be punished, it should not be gender-based.”

Oko-Igaire, however, noted that divorce should be a matter of choice. “Anybody advising or talking against divorce should first walk in people’s shoes before judging them or telling them what to do.

Personally as a counselor, I believe under no circumstance should anybody be in an abusive marriage, if you do not want a divorce, you could separate.”

She advised intending couples not to go into marriage without proper pre-marital counseling. “I am not talking about church counseling this time,” she noted.

Clinical psychologist, Toyin Alatise-Abimbola, identified quest for control, low self-esteem, extreme jealousy, difficulties in regulating anger and other strong emotions as part of reasons for abuse in marriage.

She stated: “Other causes include an undiagnosed personality disorder or psychological disorder. Let’s not fail to mention that it may have developed from growing up in a household where domestic violence was accepted as a norm.”

She added that abusers share common traits, which include quick attachment to relationship and often times rushing through the getting-to-know-you phases of a courtship to avoid little knowledge about their past or family.

Alatise-Abimbola noted that oftentimes abusers discourage partners from associating with their friends and families in order for them to be left alone. “They are verbally or emotionally abusive, which often starts before any physical battering, this is intended to wear away their partner’s self-esteem,” she said.

Speaking on the role religion and culture play in an abusive marriage, she said: “I feel both are advocating peace collectively. With communication, we can resolve issues. Also, there are considerations religions and cultures are looking at. Separation or divorce has a ripple effect. It’s not going to be about the two individuals anymore, their offspring and families would be affected. Ultimately, separation is advised by religion if both partners cannot settle their differences.”

Alatise-Abimbola advised couples and intending ones on the need for marriage counseling, adding that there is a lot attached to having two people from different backgrounds wanting to spend the rest of their lives together. “The best way to end domestic violence is to take preventive measures. We cannot always leave everything to the government, which is why we have various NGOs springing up to support and cover the areas where government is not able to do much.

“Speaking and campaigning against domestic violence is the first step. Young couples should speak to a therapist when issues cannot be settled amicably at home. The ‘no third party in your marriage’ mentality has not been helpful because what that meant was guarding against telling everyone about your business. But a therapist is bound to keep every discussion as confidential,” she counseled.

Also, the Lead Counselor at Marriage Matters, Mrs. Bose Fawehinmi, commended the media for bringing reports of domestic violence into the open. She noted that such issues in the past were seen as something to be ashamed of, affirming that both genders could be victims but more women seem to report than men.

She added that the economic situation of the country and inability to properly manage stress could make some people to transfer aggression to any vulnerable person around them.

Fawehinmi urged parents to model proper conflict resolution to their children by teaching them to resolve conflicts without violence, stressing that parents should stop inciting their children to beat their younger ones or fight their friends. She also admonished the government to provide adequate support for victims of domestic abuse, saying that some victims of abuse are stuck because they don’t have anywhere else to go.

“There should be enough agencies that abuse cases can be reported to. When abuse cases are reported, there should be proper intervention. Counselors should be employed to offer anger management training and counseling to the couple. We shouldn’t wait until a life is lost before acting. Let us all do whatever we can do now.”

She, however, identified some certain traits to look out for. “If he or she gets angry and throws things around or breaks them, throws fits of rage; if such person finds it easy to fight with anyone or beat anyone younger or vulnerable, brags to you about beating his siblings that are grown-ups, brags about fighting a friend or even a stranger because he or she can’t take rubbish; this shows you that person will take to violence or force as a way to resolve a conflict.

“Or for instance, you are not married, but he/she is already hitting you, yet you keep giving excuses, ‘he loves me’, ‘she was just stressed’ etc. Wake up and smell the coffee. You are in an abusive relationship. Love isn’t enough. You may love someone, but you need conflict resolution skills amongst other skills to make a relationship work,” she added.

Founder, Al-Jemeel Islamic Society of Nigeria, Shaykh Abdullahi Adeniyi Arowolo, identified factors responsible for domestic violence to include husband’s failure to provide obligatory financial support for his wife, long absence from home and husband’s inability to fulfil his wife sexual needs. He added that marriage or relationship is based on tranquility, unconditional love, kindness, comfort, justice and mercy.

In curtailing this, he said: “Allah has given us the way forward in the holy Qur’an chapter 4 verse 35, which says ‘And if you fear a breach between the two, then appoint judge from his people (husband) and a judge from her people (wife), if they both desire agreement, Allah will effect harmony between them, surely Allah is knowing and aware.’

The government has a very big role by creating a ministry for religion that will have a counseling department that will be looking into domestic violence in marriage religiously.”

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