How to Win Your Next Argument
Have you ever felt like kicking yourself after an argument with your spouse because you realized you forgot to make a very important point? Or do you wonder how presidential candidates or public speakers (the good ones at least) always seem to be able to respond to every point they are asked during a question and answer session? While some are blessed with a great memory, most people rely on their pen and paper. They write things down. Is this a tactic that can be applied to arguments in relationships? I think so!
The same principles that apply to effective communication apply to effective arguments. When you have a misunderstanding with your spouse, you must talk, listen and respond to your partner (all in understanding) to resolve the problem. The challenge with arguments is they are unpredictable. They pop up in your relationship, most times without warning, and can get very emotionally heated. If you are not proactively prepared for how you need to communicate during an argument, you are unlikely to be effective in how you express yourself. One method to help improve your chances of a productive conversation during an argument is to write your points down!
Keep in mind, you are not just writing the points you want to make down. More importantly, you are writing down the points your partner is making as well. The root cause of most disagreements is miscommunication and when you try to fix this when you are already emotionally heated, you tend to make little progress. However, if you take the time to write down the points your partner is making, it gives you an opportunity to echo back their point to them before you make yours. This singular act demonstrates your willingness to hear your partner’s point of view and makes them more willing to hear yours. This should help create a “win-win” situation for both of you. The reality is that it is not about winning arguments with your spouse, it’s about creating an environment where you both understand each other.
When arguments get heated, your emotions cause you to be less interested in hearing what your partner is saying, and more interested in protecting yourself from the onslaught of accusations that are usually thrown your way. This is just how the human brain functions. It is the “fight or flee” characteristic of the most primitive part of our brains and is what has helped keep mankind alive for centuries! However, taking the time to write down the points your partner is making with the intent to repeat those points back to them, forces you to break the defensive pattern your brain is inclined towards, during disagreements. So, do you and your spouse a favor and always keep a pen and paper (or note taking app on your smartphone) close by. You never know when you will need it.
ZeeZee is a certified Relationship Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip people with the right tools for a successful relationship – with themselves and others. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.
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