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Now that Churches Are Opening Up

Now that Churches Are Opening Up

“Somebody shout Halleluyah! I can’t hear you. I said somebody shout Halleluyah!!” The voice blaring out from the speaker is all too familiar. It is your pastor’s voice and oh my goodness, You haven’t been this excited in a long time.

Alas, you are on the verge of cussing out the person whose car wasn’t packed properly. If only the ushers allowed you to take a hold of the microphone and call out the plate number that is now registered in your head.

“Sister, welcome to church. You look beautiful.” “Thank you,” you say because you will show them that you have arrived.

The Show-Off
You walk in and your day just got better. It’s the guy from the praise and worship team leading today. Your favourite chorister, ooh, how you love to see him jump and shake his handkerchief and just in the nick of time, that sister whose name you will soon know comes up to join in.

Wait for it! Her wobbly feet and the thing he does that he calls shoki just threw you off. It’s the way she tries to out-dance him that makes you laugh and fall on your chair.

You catch your neighbour looking at you strangely but how can you tell her that it is the way the moved like they were shocked by an electric volt that is responsible?

The Judgmental
You sight those women whispering. Their faces, disfigured from the snort noses, wrinkled brows, and crooked smiles. And you can bet that it is because they would never stop sniffing in other peoples’ businesses.

Did they just look at you disapprovingly and turn back to whisper? If only you had the grace to walk up to them to educate them that King Solomon had written a book of proverbs detailing why being uninvolved in other people’s business would help their youthfulness and Saint Paul literally wrote, “Mind your business.”

The Unmarried
Sister Queen just gave you a slight wave and you wave back. Queen the proud peacock, you snort. You can’t tell if you are plain jealous because she wears the finest clothes no matter what you do or if it’s because her makeup and skin are on fleek.

So you grapple between settling for healthy competition or becoming her very good friend. But you are a jealous breed and will choose the “maybe she is doing it to attract these unmarried men” option. Your ringless finger does not matter right now. I mean, look at her skin on that dress.

The testimony owners
If there was one person who would be at the front of the testimony pew this morning, it would be sister Janet. Ol boy! Did the corona not teach her anything? If the pastor said 5 minutes for each testimony, don’t go spending 4 singing and making others wait impatiently because the devil cannot stop her shine. Sis Janet, seriously? It’s been 20 minutes.

The tailor
The devil works hard but you know that your tailor works harder. Claiming to be the next designer but never delivering on time.

The last time you went to her store, she reminded you that there was corona and when it was eased for churches to reopen, the corona was to blame. Now, it’s heaps and you met 30 people promising to take her to the station if she doesn’t deliver before you left the scene.

Only that before you left, you became “good friends” with a crying bride whose wedding is tomorrow but your tailor has clearly disappointed because she cannot remember where the materials are.

You are caught between telling her you know someone that can make her look fine baje and asking for your dress. So you meet her and console her because an invite to the wedding, las las na im go bad pass. You get angrier because this dress you came to collect now has a destination wedding event but you won’t be collecting it today.

It’s the screams of Amen that jolts you back to reality. It’s the Grace and Phew! Boy, did you have an amazing spirit-filled.. wait, when did the praise and worship session end?

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