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Everywhere there must be prayers

By Kole Omotoso
17 September 2017   |   3:16 am
The registrar of Roadside University was the one who called the attention of the university to the fact that there was a national budget for prayers in the federal allocations.

Prayers for me and prayers for you
Everywhere there must be prayers
Prayers for don’t and prayers for do
Everywhere there must be prayers
Prayers for thieves and prayers for chiefs
Everywhere there must be prayers

You want prayers and I want prayers
The Godly and the Devilish
We all prayers cherish
Demand and supply is basic
We could also be socialistic
Everywhere there must be prayers.

The registrar of Roadside University was the one who called the attention of the university to the fact that there was a national budget for prayers in the federal allocations. Not only that. He also revealed that there were also budgets for prayers at both state and local government levels. Once this fact was established, the university began revealed that these budgets were being disbursed without any transparent contracts for the delivery of prayers as a goods and services item. Furthermore, our university insisted that the various levels of government – federal, state and local – must of necessity, in the name of transparency advertise and different individuals and organisations must tender for the provision of prayers. And the best proposals in terms of the quality of the prayers, the guaranteed time of prayer-answer and the after-service care by the prayer provider must be awarded the contract.

Roadside University (RU for short) is a PPP, a university set up on a private, public participation basis. We are neither private nor public, neither bird or rat. That is why the special sign of the university is a bat and the favourite tree is the fishtail leave tree, neither palm tree nor ordinary tree. RU our initials can be read as RUE, ‘to take the consequences of any action’. It could also be read as Yoruba word for ‘carry’. In one word Roadside University takes responsibilities. The people of this country Nigeria whose nickname is KOKUMO, have declared this era as the era of prayers. We are with the people. All our research efforts are now concentrated on Prayers. It is out of the preliminary results of our researches that we are able today to apply to governments at all levels for the contract to supply prayers to the country.

Our research has revealed that it is not in the interest of any deity to answer all prayers, any prayers at all times, at any time. When prayers are answered people tend to forget the deity. They are too busy celebrating the answering of their prayers that they forget who answered their prayers.

And if they don’t forget the deity, they make new demands, requests that were not part of the original contract. So, why do deities hesitate to grant all prayers? Like all academic questions, there is no final answer. Like Ifa divination corpus, research is always cumulative. Our research has revealed that deities keep prayer demanders waiting so that they will keep coming back to request the same prayers – long life, child, children, money, money, money, defeat of enemies, money, success in life. How have the researchers at RU solved this problem? Unfortunately, this is now a trade secret, which cannot be revealed except with the payment of adequate fees. We do have the solution to unanswered prayers.

In tendering for the contract to supply prayers to the federal, the state and the local governments, we distinguish three types of prayers: the routine, the special and the urgent.

The routine is established by the usual everyday, every month or even every new year wish thus: an increase of wealth, an increase of the number of children, and an increase of good health, the greatest of all wealth.

The special prayer cannot be listed by Roadside University. We depend on our clients to supply to us their special prayer needs. Since our clients are governments for the time being, their special requests has to do with being able to know who the enemies of the governments are so that the governments can deal with them. That is always their special prayer. Reveal to them their enemies and all their troubles will end.

Although it is not the business of the university to provide unpaid-for advice to governments, we usually suggest that the best governments in the world can take every citizen in their country as enemies or as friends. To take some as friends and others as enemies makes government virtually impossible to run. One or the other. Friends or enemies.

As for urgent prayers, again it is the responsibility of the client to place before us what their urgent prayers are.

How are prayers costed? Is ‘costed’ correct English? Anyway you know what the university is saying, saying how does the university bill for different categories of prayers? The past tense has become a difficult tense in Nigerian English. Our language faculty is setting up a special research committee on the past tense in Nigerian communication. The cost of prayers. If X is the cost of routine prayers, special prayers cost X times 1,000; urgent prayers cost X times 1,000,000. We do not charge our clients in any currency other than the almighty naira, with muri (20 naira) as the minimal unit of accounting.

For the information of our clients we do list the ways and means of our prayers. We employ and subcontract all deities on earth on behalf of our clients to ensure their prayers are answered timeously. This last word does not sound good to the ears. “In time” rather than ugly “timeously.” Clients are allowed to tell us which deities they prefer for their prayers to be addressed to. At extra cost we can present the prayers to other deities.

How long do clients have to wait before they can claim that their prayers have not been answered and they want their money back? As far as the university is concerned, there is no time guarantee. After all we are not God. And we cannot play God. Our efforts of prostrating, rolling in mud and rags and ashes, fasting for days and nights with a minimum of seven days and seven nights, going to mountains of bare rocks and of wooded soil, we would have made our presentation to the deities that be.

On this basis we hope to win the contract.