Let Him/Her Who Is Without Stone Cast The First Sin/San: Trouble

GIVEN the final outcome/takeaway of the evening, nobody, least of all Mr. D. Trouble, should have been surprised. After all, some cheeky journalist, flaunting her feminine endowments had asked the well turned out Chief (Dr.) Pope Emeritus Corruption if he was now going to say goodbye to Nigerians.

Chief Corruption looked surprised and asked the beautiful and cheeky one where were Nigerians going that he had to say goodbye to them? A little put off by the sauciness of Dr. Corruption turning the thing around, she said, rather too loud for a two party conversation: We heard you were planning to flee the country, go into exile as soon as you know who got behind the rock. That’s what I’m asking you about and you are turning it into joke.

Typical Nigerian this Chief Corruption, turning everything into ridicule once they are caught in the glare of gbangba d’ekun! E do, my dear young lady, e do, answered Pope Emeritus Corruption, make you no vex too much. Na play I dey play. I’m going nowhere and my beloved countrymen and women are going nowhere.

The journalist was surprised that Chief Corruption was calling Nigerians his countrymen and women. She knew that the then ordinary Mr. Corruption had applied for Nigerian citizenship and had been turned down. Where did he get it from now and with traditional, academic and religious titles to go with the granting of the Nigerian citizenship? So, again, as they say nowadays, if you don’t know ask Google and her Google right now is Corruption himself. He chuckled. You know the Italian island of Pendusa. . . ? You mean, Chief, Lampedusa?  Whatever. You know the capital city of that island Cala Creta? That is where I finally got my citizenship. With all the condiments of titles, ehn? God bless you. That island is eight square miles of goodness for the water weary illegal immigrant, unlike the rest of Italy. But, we are digressing from your interest about people going into exile and so on and so forth. Come to my Iwuye (chieftaincy acceptance celebration) next week. It starts on Thursday and ends on Sunday with a thanks-accepting service at the church. On Friday, there will be a small special salata (prayer) with the reciting of the 99 Names of Allah.

Mr. Trouble as chairman of the occasion welcomed the governors, the deputy governors, the national ministers-to-be, the commissioners of yesteryears and of today, the lords temporal and spiritual, ladies and gentlemen and (as if none of these were) fellow Nigerians. He marvelled at the ease with which Nigerians have all changed to APC change. He then called the celebrant the one and only High Chief Dr Pope Emeritus Multiple Digit (M.D.) (to give him his full initials) Corruption. With that Trouble took his seat and the celebrant stood up. As Chief Corruption stood up the whole assemblage also stood up. You have seen him physically. Or else you have seen photographs of him. He is a big man. With a big neck and a bigger head to sit on that neck. His eyes are big and far into his head with a low forehead hanging over them. The eyes are so close to one another you could be forgiven for thinking that there was only one, not two big able eyes. His enormous nose did not take much looking at because it led your inquisitive eyes to his mouth. That mouth was permanently open, salivating, waiting for something to be popped into it work without end! He wore an outfit of woven silk and gold threads with a political cap of the same material.

He asked everybody to be seated, waiving his elegantly fatty hands left and right. I stand on existing and any additional protocols. I thank you all for coming. I do notice that quite a lot of people did not sit down when I asked them to. I understand them. And I know why they stand by me. I thank them and acknowledge their support. They are my beneficiaries. But I run ahead of myself, of us all.

There was talk, yes, this is Nigeria now, there must be talk that I will flee the country and go into exile because so and so is now behind the rock. When Africa was the white man’s grave and none but fools came hither, did I not sell my subjects old and brave, for beads and ostrich feathers? Let me tell you fellow Nigerians, whatever Big Noise may reign in our country, I will stay and breed here, sirs and madams! So Big Noise will fight me? Well, I will fight back, shikena! And those who stand by me, who are my beneficiaries will stand and fight them with me.

Unless of course someone has shown you other ways of beneficiation. Of quicker geneficiation. Or quickest beneficiation. And at every mention, the people shouted: Nobody! Nobody!! NOBODY!!! There you are. Nobody has shown them a faster, meaner way of making multi digit money in any currency in the world.

We are not going anywhere. We are going to stay here. And when we stay here, we stay here to fight back. We thank you.