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Scabious, scabrous and scraggly postponement

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Professor Mahmood Yakubu, Chairman of the Independent National Electoral Commission, speaks during the announcement of the postponement of the 2019 presidential election at the electoral body headquarters in Abuja, Nigeria. Kola Sulaimon / AFP

Last Friday, I dwelt on what I rightly called “our electoral meshugaas.”

I do not feel the need to elucidate pertinent items or statements stated in the referred-to essay. But because of the total “shock” that descended, so to say, on the nation as a result of INEC’s postponement of last Saturday’s presidential and senatorial elections, I am allowing myself the licence and liberty to say as follows, briefly. I was not at all shocked by INEC’s action which I have since called a “scabious, scabrous and scraggly postponement.”

I knew, believe it or not, that Professor Mahmood Yakubu’s INEC would give us the distastefully lavish electoral cuisine we had last Saturday.

The last paragraph, for instance, of my said essay said as much even though subtly. Clearly, the law of silence disallowed me from opening up as many persons would have expected me to do.

In any case, before the writing and reading journey to my said last paragraph, I had given a hint, symbolically or otherwise, on “the strategic manoeuvers that for years have negatively defined our politics.” What happened last Saturday was a strategic electoral and political manoeuver to satisfy the “gustatory hallucinations” of “our electoral meshugaas.”

The editor of my column who clearly understood the import of my aforesaid essay spoke with me a day after the scabious, scabrous and scraggly postponement to “celebrate” with me the electoral thoughts which the “masters of meditation and contemplation” endorsed.

The other things we spoke about relating to our presidential election in particular are not what I should relate here – at least for now.

Now, why do I call INEC’s electoral postponement of last Saturday “scabious, scabrous and scraggly”?

The answer to this question is simple – as simple as A,B,C. You see, INEC was ready and not ready for its own electoral exercise.

On paper the electoral meshugaas were ready as long as they were ready to be kooky cooks. And kooky cooks are always governed by “screwy thoughts and ideas,” including pecuniary ones they are often peccable to.

Thus logistically, nothing tangible really matters to them – hence whatever they do in this wise is never hitch-free; it unfailingly will be diseased – contaminated, contagious even in an attempt to containerize it.

What happened last Saturday or before last Saturday we can see in this light. And we must take with a pinch of salt the excuse and excuses the INEC chair has come out with since what happened had happened – or since what was expected to happen did not happen.

My unstoppered sixth sense tells me that the bear around our electoral bend was (and still is) in ambush in INEC’s wooded area. The bear was (and still is) in watch for Professor Mahmood Yakubu, whose misstep would compel him to being gored.

If INEC had gone ahead to conduct the presidential election, staggered or un-staggered, an outright katakata in the forest of bears would have been served us as our presidential meal.

When the INEC chair, as his commission’s explainer-in-chief, explained what he explained in his scabious, scabrous and straggly postponement media briefing, I noticed that his usually chubby face and neck had suddenly become scraggy.

In fact, his second press briefing of last Tuesday afternoon revealed that his handsome, chubby face and neck had become scraggier.

The man don hear am. And he still dey hear am, and he go hear am well well – unless…. His electoral commission is not independent after all! The bullying bear will be the bullying brown bear until the elections come and go if only they truly come and go as we wish.

Don’t bother to ask me what I mean because what I mean is what I mean as I lie on my back in my moment of meditation and contemplation watching the clouds gather to parade bears neck to neck in a battle and war of bears in our forest of elections that INEC is not truly independent to control as a zoo-master would.

Matters have truly come to a head with the president’s shoot-on-sight order directed at ballot-boxes’ snatchers. By gosh, what a murderous order! People of Nigeria will be people of Nigeria.

Our compatriots will be our compatriots. Our electoral thugs will remain electoral thugs. No murderous order will stop them from snatching ballot-boxes. They will now become more malevolently desperate.

By the way, does Buhari, our president, presidentially possess our Nigerian patriotic impulse that we can patriotically emulate with his kind of scraggly order, to put it mildly? Now, what will or should happen to teenagers who are recruited to cast ballots they are not qualified to cast? What should happen to children who are illegitimately recruited to cast ballots illegitimately? They all, without exception, should also be shot, murdered, assassinated without qualms! In any case, political murders are here at last, political murders and assassinations openly laced with the tyrannical and dictatorial saliva of the one and only PMB of Nigeria are here with us at last.

Indeed, the present time is the time of the open sesame to and of illegitimate killings in our land.

When he came on board as our president four years ago, did his thugs not snatch ballot boxes? Of course, we know the ballot snatchers who shall be shot: the ballot boxes’ snatchers from the opposition! Ballot boxes’ snatchers from the desert, savannah and rain forest camps of the dominant party, whose first and last commands our armed forces, including the police and secret services, obey will do as they please.

Now, we are in an electoral jungle, real electoral jungle.

Run, run, run O Nigerians of valour! Run, run, run O courageous members of the opposition! Now I know why Professor Mahmood Yakubu’s postponement of our presidential and assembly elections was scabious, scabrous and straggly as anything unwholesome can be.

Now we can infer that Yakubu and “his” INEC were given a murderous order that compelled them to do what they did or have done and what they will and must do further henceforth.

Now I know why Professor Mahmood Yakubu’s face and neck are chubby no more.

May Mahmood Yakubu’s once chubby face and neck become leaner and leaner until he does the correct things that will jettison mad, satanic killings and medieval shoot-on-sight orders in the land, this land, our beautiful land – despite our human failings.

But a word or two for the armed forces: Do your duty as patriots and free-born of our land. Don’t do so scraggily and satanically. Your duty is to obey laws and orders that benefit our compatriots.

Our army and all our law enforcement agencies are not ones established primarily or secondarily to maim or kill our compatriots. They and all of us must know and remember that the law of retribution never fails.

No one, therefore, including PMB, our GMB (General Muhammadu Buhari), must take the law into his hands.

If not, katakata go come. But GMB like katakata o – even though victory seems to be the bear’s – of bears.

What do I mean? Exactly what I mean, but with this addendum: the presidential election is a spiritual battle and war. And…. Mum is the word. Golden silence.


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