Social media and 9JA people

“My dear brother, this election no go easy ooo!!! As they say on social media, the pressure is getting wesser.”

“My brother, I’m too depressed to even focus on the elections. Everything seems to be falling apart around me.”

“Depressed ke? What is pressing you and depressing you? In this life, whatever happens try and buy data on your phone.

Social media can help you cure your depression and whatever else is falling apart around you. Are you not following all the campaigns and electioneering going on and the comments on social media? Online commentators are not joking.”

“But really, we are passing through too much as a country. There’s fuel scarcity, cash scarcity, PVC wahala, no light so it is difficult to keep sane.”

“Hmm…my dear brother…suffering and smiling best describes us…even though, not many people are smiling at the moment..shege has sheged us gan. I saw a video of a man-full grown man, stark naked in the bank crying and frustrated…it broke my heart…how did we get here?”

“More importantly, how do bankers who are employed to serve, find time to bring out their phones and make a video showing a man at his lowest? Where is our empathy? We have become a nation of clicks. Nothing is off-limits. Even where someone is dying, we find more joy and fulfilment making a one-minute video than trying to help.”

“It is so sad. I’m at a loss as to describe what really is going on at the moment. I understand, there’s also a video of some people harassing the bank manager and claiming that one of them is the man’s son. The poor woman removed her wig to understand what was happening. We are exhibiting all the indices of a war situation and yet we are not at war.”
“The campaigns and the politicians are majorly focused on electioneering and sweet promises. Nobody is talking about what is going on with the citizens…People are dying in instalments.”
“We need a town hall session different from balablu, bulabaa…”

“What are you on about? What is balablu?”
“It is a variant of the color blue. It’s online and in use by one of the presidential aspirants. You see why I said in this life, buy data. Get data. You can never be depressed. Drama no dey ever finish for 9ja. The same way miracle no dey ever tire Jesus, na so drama dey. One week, two to three drama episodes. I swear, if 9ja no enter Netflix this year, I won’t be happy because collectively we are more than enough for a block buster movie.”
“I don’t have light to charge my phone to see what is online.”

“Try and make a down payment for electricity to buy roasted corn and charge your phone. I promise you, you will not regret it.”

“Abi, you need help ni? What has down payment and electricity got to do with corn?”
“My dear brother, I am trying to bring you up to speed with what is going on in the nation apart from all the shege. It is still this same online that you are missing out on. It is part of the election process and campaign.”
“I understand one of the aspirants said one of his co-aspirants denied Jesus in the bible and so he cannot be expected to keep his promises to Nigerians.”

“Hahahahaha…was anyone of them born during the time of Jesus?”
“Apparently, he shares the same name with someone who denied Jesus in the bible.”
“Look, I need to go and get money. ATMs are not dispensing cash. POS operators are in high demand now. They are charging for naira transactions.”

“Before you go and end up fighting for the small money you kuku don’t have, stay a bit longer with me o…The streets are not smiling.”

“Over the weekend, there was another gbasgbos online between two big men. One of them said his colleague should talk to him with respect because he has reached the height of his profession as a SAN. The colleague retorted that he should learn to punch below his weight category and come back after he has won a councillorship election. Twitter went wild and showed pictures of the SAN with bandage wrapped around his face. Some proceeded to give scores of the gbasgbos with SAN-1, Uncle heavyweight-100.”

“Haahahaha…that twitter is full of unhappy people. I understand once you log in for the first time, a tweet will appear saying -welcome to Twitter. Someone from an unhappy home will be with you shortly. Isn’t it that same guy that they gave a moniker -Senior Advocate of Nuisance?”

“Ah, you’ve been seeing some things then…I told you, you can’t be depressed with data available. If someone is not composing a duet with town hall lyrics, someone is shaking and falling down with a microphone. Other times, it could be one of the aspirants promising students that they would graduate in eight years or people showing off food items received from candidates which they derisively say represents their provisions for the next eight years.”
“Who is shaking and falling?”

“You like gist sha…I thought you were complaining that you don’t have money and you want to go and queue for fuel. It’s one of the presidential aspirant’s spokesmen. Online watchers swear that the man missed his calling and should have been a comedian. He is a confirmed area scatter. And to think he was once in the National Assembly. This country and comic characters are five and six.”

“I saw a video of people fighting in the filling station. Somebody said they should fight and kill themselves, because an ambulance was also on the queue and could take them to the hospital. Nigerians have no chill at the moment.

“You also have a lot of girls now enhancing their body parts and showing them off online. I swear, that one alone is enough to make me never contemplate standing near third mainland bridge. One blogger calls the enhancements, ‘God bless Africa’. As they are walking and shaking, ah…omoh, your whole body will be shaking with excitement. It is a thing of inexplicable joy to be able to behold such American wonder on 9ja soil. God will bless all these BBL surgeons. May their scissors never grow blunt walahi. I saw one on Instagram as she walked in for a party and was telling the cameramen to leave her alone. I kept whistling and saying Lakuli to myself. God punish satan.”

“What does BBL mean?”
“Abi you dey whine me ni? Go online and check for the meaning. It’s not from my mouth that you will hear that one of the aspirants has promised to restructure the country in six months if elected.”
“Is that the one they say lives in Dubai and has ehm plenty wives? 9ja and digging up stories.”
“It is a crinkum-crankum. We must halt this ludicrously lugubrious kakistocracy. The country is on a precipice of pocalypticcrepscule.”

“You are not well ooo…wait till you go home before you finally kolo. I’m managing myself here.”
“But really, is this how we are going to continue as a nation? We are blessed with everything except good leadership. Japa is now the new normal. It is really pathetic what is going on in this country.”

“Shey it’s me that is seeing shege and can hardly get money to buy yam that will be thinking of airplane? I don’t even have money for cargo side. Na wa…Abi am I an inanimate object in God’s eye? Or a bulaba? God when oo! Suffering don make me, I been wan ask my wife-‘when will you get married?’ I forgot for a split second that she was married.”
“Carry me dey go, 9ja carry me dey go, dey go dey go. Carry me dey go, 9ja carry me dey go, dey go dey go.”
“You and your town crier like songs. Which one is this one?”

“It’s a video of an officer who entered someone’s car and the guy was driving with her inside. She was now screaming- Help me! help me! the man dey carry me go wia I no know. Online musicians composed a song out of it. As it is though, 9ja dey carry us go wia we no sabi. We just dey go. Destination unknown.

“Let’s go and watch a movie. I hear there’s a new movie out now that has one actress’s body parts on full display. Someone told me there’s an excerpt where another actor is touching her as though he’s feeling freshly baked meat pie. Wetin be our gain if we no watch the movie? We need to hurry up though because we need to make a down payment for popcorn.”

“Ah, a movie like that in this awa 9ja?”
“No, it’s in shanty town. Be asking Jamb questions. Let’s go jor.”
“Dey play. Just dey play.”

Onagoruwa wrote from Lagos.