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Stones on Democracy Day


The Editor of the Guardian, Mr. Abraham Ogbodo

Tomorrow has been declared public holiday by the Presidency.

Which of the Presidencies?

What kind of question is that; how many presidencies do we have in Nigeria?

We have one presidency in Abuja but a branch of it has just been opened in London and so I only wanted to be sure which of the branches declared tomorrow work free day.

Are you out of your mind? Who opened a branch of Nigeria’s presidency in London? I hope you are not trying to relate this to President Muhammadu Buhari’s medical vacation in London? The man made it clear that he would be away for some time and he had duly transmitted a letter to the Senate asking his deputy, Prof Yemi Osinbajo to step in on the strength of which he, Osinbajo has ceased to be Vice President and now Acting President. What else was required that was not done? Or are you among persons who insist on calling Prof Osinbajo Coordinating Vice President instead of what the constitution says he is?

You are talking as if you had been away in Jupiter and just returned. Didn’t you hear when a minister said that Buhari would be working from London? I heard it clear and loud with my two ears. Let me even ask you this simple question. If the Nigerian President lives in London and works from London, where else on this earth can we call Nigeria’s presidency? In fact, if we are talking of branches and headquarters of the presidency, Abuja House, London, where Buhari lives is the headquarters, while the branch office is Aso Rock Villa, Abuja, where Osinbajo lives. The classification may change tomorrow but for now, let’s leave it at that.


Na you sabi! Your mates are planning seriously towards 2019, you are here dividing the presidency into headquarters and branch offices. Don’t stop in London; go ahead and open branches of the presidency in all the capital cities of the commonwealth.

Aaah! I did not know you were this smart. You have just offered the magic solution to all of Nigeria’s political problems. Branch offices of the presidency should be opened in the 774 council areas in the country and an acting president appointed for each. That way, instead of only Osinbajo, there shall be 774 acting presidents in all. With that kind of elaborate and penetrating branch network of the presidency and acting presidents, nobody will be bothered if the principal is hale and hearty and in London, Daura or elsewhere.

I am convinced you need a medical vacation in some psychiatric centre in London. Anyway, I am not in for your jokes. The APC Government under President Buhari will be two years old tomorrow.

Did you say two years?
Yes! What is wrong with that?
Nothing! What is your rating of the government so far and good?

I want to be frank; nothing to cheer about. Instead of change, they have put us in chains.
You can be franca or veronica if you like but you have real work to do tomorrow. Have you gathered enough stones?
What is really wrong with you? We are talking of celebrating two years of APC government and you are talking of gathering stones. Are we performing hajj tomorrow? What is the connection?

All I know is that tomorrow’s event will be more real than the symbolic stoning of the devil in Saudi Arabia. There are devils on ground in Nigeria to be stoned. Or do you want to tell me that you did not hear when one APC big wig who was information minister under IBB and who, instead of talking pruuuuuuu and praaaaaaa like Lai Mohammed, was writing letters to his fellow countrymen, said something two years ago about stoning some people this year?”

I guess you are referring to Prince Tony Momoh.
Na you talk O! I did not call anybody’s name. But you know who I am talking about.
Okay, whoever it was, what did the person say?

He said Nigerians should stone members of the APC government if the promised change refused to come after two years.

Interesting! Very interesting! But who will cast the first stone and on whose head will it land?
There is no problem sourcing the thrower of the first stone. Anybody, including even PDP members, can cast the first stone. The problem is sourcing a head in the absence of President Buhari to land the first stone. As you know, in this country, nobody is Jesus Christ who died for others. And so, I am not too sure if Prof Osinbajo even as Acting President and an ordained man of God would be ready to surrender his head for the first stone when the stoning commences tomorrow.

Don’t be too excited. Prof. Itse Sagay, Femi Falana or any other prominent lawyer may procure a court injunction this night stopping the stoning tomorrow and nothing will happen. They will then return to the court to argue in the substantive suit that so much change has happened in the last 48 months and instead of casting stone at Buhari, he should be canonized a Saint. They shall cite many signs and wonders such as the death of corruption, death of Boko Haram, the miraculous recovery of Chibok girls and em, em em, I am trying to remember more wonders that Buhari has performed.

Maybe we should call off the stoning ceremony altogether pending when Buhari returns from London to bear his cross

It is like you know something.
Something like what?

You’ve got idea when the President is returning.”

Is that not the prayer of everybody? Nigerians want him to return so that the London office of the Presidency can be shut down for good.

Please, please, don’t start this your branch office stuff again.

By the way, have you prayed for the President today?

I don’t have to announce my prayers like a Pharisees. People are praying and fasting for the recovery and return of Mr. President. You will not believe what I am about to say.

Say it joo!
I was in the church the other day in Ado Ekiti and I overheard Governor Ayo Fayose of Ekiti State praying fervently for the quick recovery of Mr. President.
Are you sure of what you are saying?
Very sure!

When is the next national merit award ceremony?


You have started drifting again. What has awards ceremony got to do with what we are discussing?
A lot! In fact I am suggesting the reworking of tomorrow’s programme of events to include awards for and special recognition of some prominent Nigerians. Governor Fayose is eminently qualified for a plaque or medal of recognition.

Recognise him for what and as what? Is it for being the first governor to do obioma-tailoring and okada-riding?

Don’t deride the man that way! He is the greatest prophet of this millennium; greater than Prophet TB Joshua and all the G.Os along the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway put together. I will not say more than that. After all, the Bible acknowledges that a prophet is not without honour, except in his own country.

You can organise your own award for him or get some award-giving newspapers and other award merchants to give him one. As far as I know, the presidency is not going to give Fayose any award.

I promise you, the man will be recognised by fire, by thunder. I hate injustice. A branch of the presidency will be opened in Ado tomorrow with an Acting President to specially recognise Peter Ayodele Fayose for his patriotic clairvoyance.

Grammar! Talk another thing joo!


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