The conversation series – Part 1: Putin and Trump

Putin: The black wimp is gone forever!
Trump: Yes and his so-called legacies too. Good riddance to the talk, talk man. No action!
Pee: Suited us well; though when he talked about a red line in Syria I thought he meant it.
Tee: We knew he wasn’t going to lift a finger. He was too much of the liberal establishment; a nice guy. Nice guys don’t run the world!
The bad guys do
Sure thing…

My Generals asked us to needle him a bit; they used the chemical stuff on those kids. He then backed down. After that time, I knew we had a weakling there!
Terrible for America, very terrible. I’m going to bomb anyone who dares us. America must be great again!
We shall bomb the world together!

That’s cool. You will have your territory and I will have mine.
Welcome on board, my soul brother. The email hack was a masterstroke
You bet it was; bet it was. Perfect timing to demoralize the Dem supporters! Comey was game, sweet game!
Wish I could retain him forever!

Can’t you? Why can’t you? You are commander-in-chief now; your party controls both Houses!
My country is not like that. See those clowns in the House, once they confirm that you indeed worked for me that would be the end of my White House dream
Hmmmm…if that happens you should simply dissolve the Houses!
Not a chance, my friend, not a chance. Look, have you not followed our history?
You have altered history the Don. Just follow the victory through and win, win again!
Look here Put buddy; I’m not yet ready for that. May be during my second term.
Fair enough. We shall be prepared for that…

I’m just going the Reagan way; we should meet somewhere in Reykjavík. There we shall be great friends…
We are great friends already. I’m not going to be Gorbachev, if I may chip in, at this time. We fell for you the other time. You’ve got to fall for us this time.

How can that be? You want them to crucify me?
I also don’t want those pictures to go viral from our end.
Look here, when are you going to stop being a blackmailer?
It’s the game, you know. Don’t you?
By the way I hope my investments are secure?
Trust us to keep them safe.

I’m thinking of lifting those worthless sanctions very soon.
That’s cool; isn’t that part of our deal?
I hope you don’t plan to broadcast that?
Broadcast what?
The details of our deal.
Naah! Except you compel us to.
Come on Put buddy! Come on.

That WikiLeaks man has them already; you know he has different sources of information. My own intelligence officers sometimes sell information to the highest bidders…
That’s common. That’s why I berated them before inauguration.
Yeah, that was cool. But why did you make their office your first port of call?
Trump: Look here, you should understand. It’s better to have those official scoundrels on one’s side. I had to eat my words. They were sweet; especially as the officers applauded my speech to no end! Head their ecstatic response when I blasted the media?
Putin: I understand; you know I was in charge here…Indeed, at a point I thought you were overdoing it, I mean the way you dismissed their work. Those guys could be very dangerous. The guys in charge of your security, personal and official; your personal and the nation’s secrets!

It was good to win the elections…
Sure. I monitored everything from here. The look on Hillary’s face the night the FBI announced that they were going to reopen the investigation made my year.
Boy, I drank champagne that night. Thumbs up!
I can see the superb way you are handling the nuisance that is the media. You guys gave them too much freedom. They just write any rubbish…
Media of lies, my buddy. Thank heavens for Twitter! I will speak to the American people directly and make a mess of the media.
Boy, you must take that one easy. Your media people can lay mines for you. I have never forgotten Watergate. They are too powerful now. Be careful.

That’s nothing to worry about. We run the two chambers; besides, they can’t afford a second expulsion of a Republican President.
Except you have the capacity to make the outspoken ones disappear mysteriously.
I won’t go that route. I will whip them into line in my own way.
Why did you allow those ladies to stage a protest a day after your inauguration? Just silly, silly fellows they are.
I will deal with it my own way.

I trust you. If you invite their leaders and fiddle with them in your special way, they might back track a little bit. Add to that the billions that you will now control, officially and personally.
Well, I’m not so sure about groping them anymore. My equipment are no longer as dynamic as they used to be.
Come with aging, comes with aging. But I will fill you up with those fillips that we had together the other time.
That was the bomb. Talking about bombs, it’s great to have the nuclear code at my disposal. I could decide to wipe out North Korea if I receive a bad Twit from there.
Reserve the bomb for ISIS!

That could be messy. They are too embedded with innocent people.
Thought you were anti-Islam?
You know I can’t say that openly. It’s better to condemn the extremists, yet make it impossible for Muslims to enter America.
When did you start being diplomatic?

These intelligence people and the legislators have been badgering me with mail to allow diplomacy to thrive, that I should remember the midterm elections. Gotta play along for a while. I will unleash my powers before long, and I will have the support of the American people.
Thumbs up brother!

Yeah, America will be great again.
When will you build the wall?
I have a call now from the Secret Service; may be one of those, phony sexed up reports is being brought to my attention again. I will answer the Mexico wall question when next we talk. America will be great again!
• Prof. Eghagha is a visiting member of The Guardian editorial board.