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Uncle very very (Jnr) pardons himself in America

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Kole Omotoso


Those who study Democracy didn’t know why they were spending time studying Democracy. Those who don’t like Democracy knew why they were studying the subject. If you were going to undermine an institution you have to understudy that Institution. Donald J. Trump did his homework. He told his followers – the Trumpeters – that the 2020 Election would be the last Election for a while. There were just too many elections in the United States of the World. He should be endorsed President for Life. He might use the rest of his life fighting for his son-in-law to succeed him as the crown prince. Then his son and his son-in-law will spend the next decade fighting for the throne. And so on and so forth. All the advance in Science, in Technology, in every facet of human endeavour will be lost in a few days of civil war.
Give and take
Take and give
Our constitution states
Of the United States.

What surprised Uncle Very-Very Jnr was the ease with which it takes to bamboozle people and make them think the way you think, to make them behave the way you behave. It is the principle of the lie, the big lie, the bigger the better, that’s the power of the lie. The power of the alternative reality.

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It worked as long as he was and continued to be the president of the United States of the World USW whose capital was based in New York, New York State. In the meantime, he claimed to have won the greatest number of votes to be president when in fact he hadn’t won the popular vote. Rather, it was the electoral vote, allocated to each state according to population and prestige, that won him the presidency.

He ruled by word of mouth. He never wrote anything down. Because why? Because book no dey lie. What is written cannot be unwritten. Especially when copies have been copied and circulated and ventilated. But what is said can be denied. Can be unsaid. Can be re-said. Usually, the President claimed and his minions sought the evidence for same claim.

He claimed without proof that he had done more for world women than any world president. And if he had been there a hundred years ago, he would have given them the vote. And he had done so much more for African-And World citizens than any other president bar Abraham Lincoln.

Then the pandemic arrived. Here the president developed a split forked tongue wherein he said one thing in private and another thing in pubic. He told a privileged individual that he knew that the pandemic was deadly while he told adoring multitudes that the pandemic will disappear making his hands to sweep it behind him, just like that. Immediately, Presidents in states around the world imitated him. They would not accept the recommended prescriptions put out by the World Health Organisation. Not only that. Money that was budgeted to the WHO he pocketed, saying the WHO was misusing the money and allowing China and North Korea to enjoy the money.

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The World President began to claim that there were too many elections. He travelled to China and North Korea. He hogged the presidents for life and loved the feel of being president for life. He returned to New York and told his followers that they should not bother much about the coming election. He is going to win it with a very large majority. It would be world population expressing their gratitude to him, the Very Maximum Leader. What matters, said the Highest Leader, was the next election in 10 year’s time. By then the people would have been so used to his face they would easily vote him life president. The rest of getting his sun-in-law/son-in-law prince of Wales and successor to the throne, will be up to him.

Meanwhile, he badmouthed the institution of voting. He deprived the postal system of money and got them to close 90 percent of the postal outlets. He urged his followers not to vote by post. To go to the voting stations personally in person and cast their votes. Which is what they did. Meanwhile, he and his family had cast their vote by the post he said was corrupted.

He continued to campaign, not wearing masks, not caring about keeping healthy distances. He went to test. It proved negative. His negative was so negative the doctors said they had never seen such a negative before. Very very high negative.

Then he went for another test that was positive. He had caught the coronavirus. He went into hospital. Came out before the doctors said he was cured. He said that he was cured. He dramatically threw away his face mask and asked all attending his rallies to kiss left and right, north and south. The doctors said he was encouraging the virus, he said no, he knew more than the doctors; very very far more than them.

Then his son-in-law whispered to him that he might lose the election. He said no, it was impossible, he could never lose any election to Sleepy Joe! You better begin to plan our escape route.

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Then the day of reckoning came. His followers, who did not vote by mail went to vote. Their votes were not many. His opponents had voted in millions. They counted his votes quickly. Then they counted the votes by mail. They counted and counted and counted. He said they should stop counting. Nobody listened to him. They counted and counted…

What to do now? His son-in-law said he should deny that he lost the vote. He told him to tell them that the elections were stolen from him. The media that was always ready to listen to him, abandoned him and went where the news was fresh.

They were still counting and counting… He had to device his escape route out of thousands of suits, hundreds of tax offenses, tens of cases of rape accusations and other misdemeanors each of them strong enough to throw him in the slammer for fifteen years.

He was not a religious man but that morning he fell on his knees and wept bitter tears: What have I done? What has happened? When he got up, he had the answer. He would pardon himself. But can a president pardon himself?

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