How To Make A Man Feel More Attracted And Connected To You
If you don’t know how to create the right first impression with a man, then you just might get thrown into the “just a friend” category before you can even talk to or connect with him. And guess what that means? Everything that you do after a man gets that initial impression about you is run through the “she’s just a friend” filter and this can make being in the “friend zone” almost inescapable. Especially if you’re looking to get involved with a man for more than just a fling. But, there is something you can do about this.
The reasons why a man recognizes one woman as “relationship material” and another as just a “fling” is because men have several specific terms and phrases that they use with each other to think of and describe women. It’s a sort of “guy code” or short-hand slang that men everywhere use with each other and their friends. One of my favorites that I’ve been hearing all my life from men is the term “ok girl;” as in when a man says, “yeah, I met this girl the other night and she was a really “ok girl”. As simple as this sounds, the meaning that men give this term is important and applies to a set of very specific qualities. Qualities which although are never actually discussed among men, are universally understood. Well, for starters, men don’t make sense.
The more you try and use logic and reason to figure out or understand a man’s thinking and behavior, the more you’re going to become frustrated and upset by them. It may seem simple or even downright ridiculous, but men think of women as “ok girls” when they see that a woman understands something that other women can’t even see going on. Men see that an ok girl “gets it” on a level that lots of other women don’t. They demonstrate to men certain social and emotional understandings and ways of behaving that resonate deeply with men, without them having to be talked about or explained.
We all know that 8% of conversations are done by actually talking and the other 92%, which, for most women, is saying things to a man that they don’t even know they’re saying. To put it another way, “ok girls” exude positive emotional energy that men can relate to. And they’re “naturally” the kind of women who every man is inexplicably drawn to, even if they don’t look like a supermodel.
Has a man ever accused you of being too “emotional?” How about “moody?” or worse – maybe some guy actually called you “hysterical” or “needy”? Whatever he called you, it was the start of him closing off or getting irritated with you and things going wrong in the conversation. What’s frustrating for lots of women is that men often react this way when you simply bring up something you feel strongly about or you need to get off your chest. Sure, maybe you got a little choked up or felt intense about it, but you were just being honest with your feelings.
Well I hate to be the one to break it to you, but this isn’t unusual for a man to do. In fact, it’s “standard” behaviour for most men to react to a woman with withdrawal or frustration in these kinds of conversations. Is it the “right” thing for a man to do? Obviously not. But you might be forgetting that men don’t make sense. And don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that honesty isn’t important or that you’re not entitled to feel how you feel. But, in order to make a relationship work, it’s critical for you to understand that men simply aren’t “wired” the same way that women are when it comes to connecting on an emotional level. Men open up, connect, and become emotionally “committed” in different ways, and for different reasons than most women do. Unfortunately, lots of women never really learn what these differences are so they go about trying to build a connection, attraction, and create a lasting relationship with a man by doing what would work for them. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out that this approach rarely works.
Well, “ok girls” understand the facts of life when it comes to how men can be different. And what’s more is that they make these differences work in their favour and not against them like so many other unfortunate women. It’s as if they’ve learned this unspoken “guy code” that most other women don’t even know is going on right in front of them.
“Ok girl” don’t:
* Ok girls don’t exaggerate about what’s going on around them or what a man’s doing, unless they’re doing it as a joke or to make fun of a man in a playful way;
* Ok girls don’t say everything that they’re feeling and experiencing. They think before they speak. (Listen up to this one — it’s huge.);
* Ok girls don’t mention bad situations, issues or problems from the past unless it’s a total “must” or extremely important and they haven’t been able to talk about it yet. They find the right time for them and their man to talk. Otherwise, cool girls live in the present moment;
* Ok girls don’t try to force a man to talk about his feelings. They know that it will only backfire and he’ll think she’s being needy and close off.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: “how can they act like that? It sounds like ‘OK girls’ are totally fake or devoid of all natural emotion.” Wrong. “Ok girls” still experience all of the same thoughts and feelings any normal healthy woman has, but they’ve chosen to adopt a different kind of behavior that will ultimately get them the response that they’re looking for with the man. They acknowledge the irrational ways of men and let that help shape their actions which result in very powerful, very positive reactions from the men in their lives.
Simply put, they’ve got guys eating out of their hands even in situations where other women would have caused emotional turmoil and “drama.” Isn’t that something that you would love to have too? It’s not manipulative or diabolical; it’s just plain common sense.
Now, let’s get back to the topic of being dependent (or ‘needy’) when dating or in relationships. In case you don’t see it, a man helping you to feel better and satisfy your emotional needs can actually make you a weaker person. And not only that, it can keep you and a man and your relationship from ever being able to grow. In fact, being emotionally dependent on another person can actually cause a good relationship to regress. Here’s something you need to remember, but sometimes forget when you’re inside an intense emotional situation with a man.
Relationships are supposed to be about growth, and not about becoming dependent on someone else meeting your emotional needs at any time you want it. And part of you knows this about living a strong, “real” relationship, that it can’t meet all your emotional needs. But, part of you also wants and demands that a man acknowledges and satisfies your feelings and desires. Part of you has the habit of wanting instant ’emotional gratification.” Love on demand.
Let me give it to you straight. It’s a man’s place in a relationship to be a good partner, to care for you, to listen, to be a great lover, to connect, to be loyal, and to share. I get that men need to “show up” more often in relationships. But when you demand that a man meets your emotional needs and “lean” on him out of your own fears, frustrations, and uncertainty, these problems are all your own. And the truth is most men will eventually become tired and fed up with a woman who is constantly demanding emotional approval and understanding from him instead of finding a way to create the experience so that both she and he feel like they are having their needs met.
So, let’s take some positive steps, because things still aren’t so bad. First, for your own good, you need to figure out why you’re sad that things aren’t working out the way you planned, because I think a lot of what’s happening has nothing to do with the man at all. Sure, men make mistakes and don’t “get it”. But, you can get past that. You need to address the cause of your feelings, and not keep trying to find “quick-fixes” for the symptoms. Think about it, and see if there’s anything that’s making you feel sad and then take some positive steps around those.
Secondly, it’s time to start acting like the smart, fun, mature, healthy woman that he knows and fell in love with. She’s in there somewhere, and it’s up to you to find her. Don’t leave it up to him, because he might get tired of carrying the relationship’s emotional tone for you. Here’s a few ideas about how to do that. I want you to stop acting so serious all the time and getting yourself emotionally worked up. It sounds dumb, but please start smiling more. Your body has a strange and powerful ability to affect your emotions.
Posture, breathing, activity and actual relaxation are other great ways to simply give yourself the gift of more positive emotions. Then to the brain, you are harming it by escalating your own fears and frustrations and it’s doing something that could turn into a real destructive force in your relationship: You’re creating a negative feedback loop that just gets worse and worse as it goes. Let’s spell out what your feedback loop is so you can interrupt it and get to better things. The more you feel sad, the more you give him sad and negative emotions. And the more negative emotions he gets from you, the less he’s able to stay happy and positive himself and have the energy and desire to draw you out of your girlish sadness and dependency on him for your feelings. Which of course, only makes you feel more sad and helpless, so you turn to him more for help and around we go again.
Don’t let the negative fears and emotions you have ruin the love life you could have. Learning to stop negative patterns in your life and relationships is a “must-have” skill if you want to have lasting and loving relationships. The thing is, most people know that relationships take “work.” And long distance relationships can feel like even more work and give back even less immediate “rewards.”
Every phone call seems to have life-or-death importance. Every call, letter, and email is examined for subtext and clues. Every weekend visit has to be perfect or you start to question everything. It’s only natural to feel a little more “needy” or feel like your emotions are heightened all the time. But, the trick is not to let these feelings overwhelm you. If you do, they’ll cause you to react negatively to normal and natural situations. When these negative reactions become common, they keep you from actually doing positive things that would make him feel more attracted and connected to you.
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