No PVC, No Connubial Activity In ‘Za Oza’ Room

Regular readers of this column are quite familiar with Duncan, the neighbourhood drunk. When inebriated Duncan can regale you with stories for days; many of them hard to believe, some completely scandalous and outrageous. But we don’t mind, the local pub is a fertile ground to plant stories that sprout into rumours aptly tagged in the Nigerian parlance as “Beer Parlour talk.” Of what use is a beer parlour without very chilled beer, peppersoup and stories?

Anyway, back to Duncan, his reputation took a body-blow from which it may never recover if he doesn’t hire a good PR consultant to help with a robust and proactive reputation management strategy. For the first time since I met Duncan, he was sober, and turned down offers of drinks. Truly wonders shall never end! Duncan turn down offers of free drinks?

Regular patrons were worried, what could be the matter? Did he lose a relative? Is it the state of the economy? What exactly is the problem? We waited anxiously for answers to our questions. He just shook his head regretfully.

What then is really the problem? Some folks were getting frustrated with his silence while others were deeply worried. Mrs. Pat the owner of the bar entreated everyone to give Duncan a break. Too much is being made from the episode she cautioned. For all you know Duncan might just be born again, she added.

“Duncan, please tell us, no matter the problem, we can help, a problem shared is a problem solved,” pleaded Mrs. Pat.

Her words worked like magic, Duncan sat upright and began to tell us the reason for his low mood.
His wife has told him that until he gets his Permanent Voters Card (PVC), she would not fulfil her conjugal obligation. Duncan is clearly frustrated by her stance.

Like many people, Duncan is experiencing an unprecedented wave of patriotism to change things in the country through the ballot. However, he explained that he is afraid to go back to the Centre because of bureaucratic bottlenecks and the stress you go through to get any document from some government agencies. Now he is frustrated because failure to produce his PVC has denied him conjugal bliss.

Ordinarily, if he were inebriated, we would conclude that this is another cock and bull story by Duncan, but from all indication this is a serious matter. However, it is important to get the PVC, but it is also the prerogative of people to choose whether to get it or not. I don’t believe anyone should be cajoled or forced to perform their civic duties. Nevertheless, it is necessary to register, get the PVC and participate in the election process. Evidently many citizens don’t need cajoling, especially the youths who are determined to give birth to a new order. Will they succeed? well that is topic for another day.

Right now, our major concern is how to solve Duncan’s problem. According to Duncan, the ‘oza room’ is the engine of the house. He cannot be productive if he doesn’t go in there. It is affecting his capacity to perform and every aspect of his life.

Someone suggested that Duncan should join Tinder and his problem would be solved. If looks could kill, that fella could have died from Mrs. Pat’s glare.

She encouraged Duncan to go back to the centre and get his card, promising to give him discount whenever he resumes drinking.

Mrs. Pat informed the gathering that she would mobilize women in the community to implement the No PVC, No conjugal activity. This announcement was not well received; some customers threatened to boycott her pub.

Mrs. Pat was not perturbed, infact, she went further to announce that only customers who show their PVC will enjoy discounts and partake in Happy Hour.

I can tell you for free that her policy will be flouted and would collapse like a house of cards. Knowing Mrs. Pat, the only ‘P’ she would be interested in is Profit not Patriotism.

As for Ade, one of the regular patrons of the pub, he doesn’t have a problem with Mrs. Pat’s agenda, provided that it doesn’t stop ‘happy endings’ at the local spa.
Follow Sam Umukoro on Twitter: @samuelumukoro