Friday, 29th March 2024
To guardian.ng
Search

Letter to our uncles and senior men

By Sam Umukoro
25 June 2022   |   3:34 am
Congratulations on your victory. A major achievement: now you have every reason to pop champagne and dance to Buga, the hit song by Kizz Daniel and Tekno. You have shown that you are determined to save the country from the throes of economic ruin and in the words of your favourite youths, “Ose”.

Congratulations on your victory. A major achievement: now you have every reason to pop champagne and dance to Buga, the hit song by Kizz Daniel and Tekno. You have shown that you are determined to save the country from the throes of economic ruin and in the words of your favourite youths, “Ose”.

Indeed, gratitude is a small word; when I heard that our favourite uncles have won their party tickets, my heart was filled with pride. Your landslide victory is an emphatic statement and a clear testament of your popularity amongst the delegates. It is also a clear warning to those disgruntled youths that it is ‘Benjamins’ not social media that win elections. 

My dear uncles, the way other aspirants stepped down clearly brings to the fore an assumption that none of you will brook opposition; that you would crush any opposition. Uncles, don’t listen to the critics, please concentrate on the matter at hand; a matter of urgent national attention – the divine task to transform our country economically and foster unity. You all should be commended not condemned by the people for throwing your hats in the ring, so please forgive them, they don’t know what is good for them and where the shoe “pinches”, after all, most of them wore shoes to school and some of you didn’t. 

Now that you can wear one, you can truly tell where it hurts. Pray uncles what are your shoe sizes? A very good friend of mine who is into oil and gas business would like to know. He told me in confidence that as part of his efforts to ensure he secures a lucrative deal; he is willing to buy 365 pairs of shoes. He promised that as long as his contract run, none of you would lack shoes. Trust me sirs, I told him to jump into the Lagos lagoon with his offer. If shoes were a problem, there would have been budgetary provision for it. My friend is a jester and is highly recommended for a political appointment. Every king needs a jester in his court. 

Sorry, I digress, back to the crux of the matter. Truth is, your emergence is a welcome development. Well done sirs, I shall move from neighbour to neighbour asking them to come out en masse to celebrate the country’s new messiahs. I have personally earmarked huge sums of money for musicians who are willing to wax lyrical about your past achievements. Better still, a concert will be organized to herald this new era for the country. It is truly the dawn of a new era.

We would witness unprecedented growth and development. With the revenue that would accrue to the country from your new policies, our streets will be paved with gold; every village would have a refinery; healthcare will be free for all and sundry; hospitals will have the best facilities in the world, consequently top government officials will no longer travel abroad to treat headache and constipation; epileptic power supply would be history; manufacturers would reclaim warehouses from churches. Your new policies would take our country to her apogee. I can see your names written in gold in the annals of the country’s history.

However, I am deeply worried. So, to allay my fears, can you please tell me if your subjects would be alive to see the glorious future? Just asking and if my question is provocative, please forgive me; blame it on the naivety of youth.

In this article

0 Comments