Sex Without Scare
AS a Christian, whenever I talk about sex, I am conscious of the different opinion around this. And being a pastor for some time, I understand that what most of us term righteousness is far from it.
As I study the Bible, its characters, expressions and experiences, I began to understand human nature and what redemption really means.
Holiness is beautiful. It is being close to the heart of God, but most religions leaders seem to invent a lot of sin with scriptures and more than biblical verses, so that people will forever find the need for forgiveness.
They think sanctification has only to do with sin… so they define every spiritual experience with abstinence from sin.
Sin’s first death-blow was at Calvary. Jesus took the sin of the world away. When we accept Jesus as Lord, we arrive at the place where sin does not control us anymore. Then we live like people who have authority over sin, sickness and Satan. That is what the Christian faith is about.
But we are in this world… there are legitimate pleasures. God is not against joy or laughter or happiness. More so, the desire for sex is as natural as our desire to succeed, excel, improve, eat or whatever would make us happy without damaging the law or any person.
Safe sex is within marriage, but sexual satisfaction is a product of what we are being told about sex. The dread of diseases, religions restrictions and social stigmatisation has taken away every good of sex.
Guilt, condemnation and fear are negative emotions. Fear is a torment. I have heard people who have completely refused sex because they were told it will inhibit their spirituality.
We have made rules that make it difficult for Christians to even talk about sex in a healthy way. People can’t get close to God if we make people fear him or make God unapproachable. Religious people do this.
Jesus said they are lawyers who have the key of knowledge. They are not entering and won’t allow others to.
My concern is that we should live to please God, but we should also enjoy the relationship. God loves it when we serve Him cheerfully.
Sex is healthy. Our sexuality is a gift; we need to appreciate it. Rather than see it as an object of temptation or instrument in the hands of Satan, we should thank God for it.
We also should realise that when we sincerely appreciate our sexuality, then we can sanctify it and make it useful to God’s course.
I began appreciating God’s law about sex when I realised that God paid attention to it and actually valued the human emotion attached to it.
So that it won’t lose its purpose, God placed its right within marriage. Only in marriage is sex fully satisfactory and safe. Sex is no sport; it is not a game. It might require skills, but it is more satisfactory when it is done passionately.
We notice that what we think about the person we love or we have sex with determines how fulfilled we can be in our sexual encounters. Our relationship with our spouses should be meaningful, and then sex with them will make all the sense.
How often should one have sex in marriage? People have asked me this question a lot. How often do you kiss your spouse? How often do you hold hands? How often do you go out together?
Sex is simply being together and getting intimate enough. We should always desire to be close to our spouses and deepen our union. Our biological impulses should be mixed with our psychological connections as we mate.
These are my suggestions:
1. More than seeing sex as your right in marriage, see it as your responsibility.
See it as your major role in keeping your heart with your spouse. Never deny your spouse sex. Never withdraw your commitment.
2. Drink water from your own cistern.
People talk so much about the temptations men face, as they want to experiment and fantasise with other woman. They compare it with eating different kind of soup or food types. Not true.
Don’t have sex with someone who is ‘strange’ to your body, with whom you are not one flesh and can’t be one flesh.
Sex is better and more fulfilling with your spouse. As a matter of fact, the more you have sex with your spouse, the more you learn how to spice it up, use different methods and develop other skills.
3. Within marriage, every sex position is okay. The bed is undefiled in marriage. Sex is wholesome in marriage.
Break off frigid rules and routine. Give room for fantasies; help your partner, instead of condemning.
Don’t ever let your partner think he or she likes sex too much. If anything, make your spouse enjoy every moment.
4. Learn about child spacing and use it. You don’t have to be pregnant every time you have sex with your husband. The fear of pregnancies sometimes inhibits sexual desire.
5. Don’t compare your spouse with anyone. Sex is very personal. It is your physical way of uniting with your spouse- soul, mind, body… and personality.
Enjoy what your spouse has and be delighted at it. If your spouse doesn’t enjoy sex with you, find ways of making it exciting.
What I have discovered is that when you deeply love a person, the knowledge of how to satisfy them comes naturally.
5. Make love when you have sex. Whether it is a ‘quickie’ or a TDB, give yourself away. Be sweet, strong and satisfying.
Women fall in love with words before they fall in love with your looks. Reassure her with words. Touch your husband tenderly. Extol his manly qualities. Let him feel whole.
When we touch our partners, we should realise that the largest sex organ is the skin not the genital. You can put your spouse off when you just reach out to the genitals… you just want sex, not him or her.
They should feel you need the whole of them, not just some parts.
6. Never take each other for granted. Fuel your partner’s positive passions. Find creative ways of making her fall in love with you again and again.
From all life experiences, there is nothing as sweet as being in the arms of the person you deeply love, and you are sure do love you.
Your spouse will want everything with you if he or she feels that flow of passion. The real attraction is attitude, not just looks.
7. Take care of your body. The secret of good health is hygiene. Stay clean, mentally and physically.
Don’t do things that will make you feel guilty and thereby difficult to express genuine affection? Don’t let your husband feel the emotional distance even when you moan in sex.
Settle quarrels quickly. The unity with your spouse should be utmost in your mind. Stay spiritually clean. Don’t engage in ungodly, occultic practices that put your spouse at risk.
Stay physically clean. Take care, wash clothes and undies. Don’t sleep with someone other than your spouse. Don’t put your family at risk.
8. Establish a unity in the spirit. Flesh tear apart, but spirit bonds. Grow in your relationship with God. Pray together, fast together. Hear the word of God most times and grow in spiritual faith matters.
9. Have quiet times. There may be need to be away from each other for a while. It usually rekindles our flame. When we get exhausted, we may need to refill our love tank.
-E. C. Samuel (08027173447; email@example.com)