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Truckload of palaver

By Sam Umukoro
09 October 2021   |   3:44 am
“It’s been very difficult to get hold of you, were you shutdown like Zuckerberg’s internet ?’’

“It’s been very difficult to get hold of you, were you shutdown like Zuckerberg’s internet ?’’

“Which one is Zuckerberg’s internet again’’

“The man owns the internet, for about six hours during the week many people realised his enormous control over their lives. The disruption of his social media services for almost six hours impacted more 3.5bn users worldwide”

“I am not one of the 3.5bn users affected by the technical issue that took Whatsapp, Instagram and Facebook offline; you know I am not addicted to social media like you”

“But you cannot live without them now, unless you live under a rock’’

“Well, maybe that should be my next move, what do you think?”

“Hehehe, but seriously, what were you up to, that one could not reach you?’’

“My guy, trying to eke out a living and also hustle for fuel’’

“Hehehe, we have exported fuel crisis to you ‘abroad people’; I saw a video of two people fighting at a fuel station. Also read that some Nigerians were arrested for hawking fuel on the street’’

“You have come again with your stories from unreliable sources. The story of the arrested hawkers must be fake news, about the video, remember these days anything can be doctored.’’

“So, do you think that video of posters of the Governor-General making the rounds was doctored?’’

“Please I am apolitical, no comment’’

“Story for the gods, meanwhile, I want to change profession to a more lucrative career that will give me hard currency.’’

“Do you learn how to use your left hand in old age?”

“I can learn how to do anything as long as it pays me in a foreign currency; moreover, as my life coach would always say: whatever you aspire to acquire, do not retire, but refire to achieve your desire’’

“Please, please, I don’t want to hear about your life coach today, told you stop paying that man money, a life coach that cannot coach himself to be like Jim Ovia, Dangote or Jeff Bezos”

“Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I want to become a truck driver and I am really serious, started training already for it.”

“You must be joking! What did your wife say?’’

“On the contrary, she is excited, when we converted what I would earn in pounds, it is still far better than my salary here.”

“This man, why do you come up with something new during every telephone conversation?’’

“I am not joking, really serious about this, and it is the right time because of the shortage of truck drivers in the UK. To solve the problem, the government is reportedly offering three months visas to drivers to avert disruption of deliveries of fuel and other goods.”

“My friend don’t waste your time; you know that you drive like a mad man in Lagos. Don’t come here and embarrass us by not observing speed limits, beating traffic lights and swerving from one lane to the other recklessly. Moreover, you cannot even pass the Heavy Goods Driver (HGV) test in the UK. Did you even do any test – theory or practical before you got your licence? Driving is completely different in the UK. To become a heavy goods vehicle (HGV), bus or coach driver, you need to have a full car licence, get a professional driving qualification called the Driver Certificate of Professional Competence (CPC), must have the full Driver CPC if you drive an HGV, bus or coach as the main part of your job. If you’re qualifying for the first time, you must pass the 4 tests that make up the Driver CPC to qualify.’’

“You will be very surprised that I will pass any test given to me, the whiff of the mighty pounds is all the inspiration I need to pass the test. No time to waste man. I hear recruitment of truck drivers will start this October and successful applicants would work until Christmas Eve when their visas expire.”

“For your information, report has it that the fuel crisis is almost over in most areas in the country with only five per cent of petrol stations running dry, according to industry figures’’

“Well I also read that there are fresh concerns at soaring gas prices and shortage of Christmas turkeys. So they will need drivers to supply the turkeys and other goods ”

“I wish you all the best in your endeavor.”

“You will value me when you don’t get your Christmas Turkey.”