Wedding Vs. Marriage
I got this from a fan on my blog)
“…TODAY, I am traditionally married to such a man, he is wonderful and we are happy, but he can’t seem to raise money for our white wedding, hence my parents are funding it and I cannot tell you how ashamed that makes me feel.
“My husband is… graduate… his relations and father’s friends keep saying they have no money… I really wouldn’t have minded for this white wedding to be put on hold till we can afford it, but as an only daughter of my proud parents, they won’t hear that.
“I want this wedding too, so does my husband but it completely breaks my heart that even to this moment, my daddy is still taking care of me. I don’t know if u understand all I have said…”
I responded: “My dear, are you living to please people or yourself and God? Love is ignoring every other person in the interest of your spouse. He may not want to hurt you by telling you exactly how he feels, but my dear, every man loves it when the wife looks at him and goes like, ‘honey, we still have our wedding anniversaries, let’s do what we are comfortable with at the moment without borrowing’.
“God forbid, but the stress of trying to raise money later to pay your parents may end up tearing your home apart. The world expected me to have a fairytale wedding; my husband wanted that for me. But I called it all off, traditional was done inside my father’s living room while we went to court to sign papers. Even Mariah Carey had a secret wedding. Consider your spouse more and he will ever adore you.”
You want a fairytale wedding; the type you see only on Disney Channel. You can’t stop looking at wedding dresses. You want nothing but Vera Wang. Your ring must be gold with diamond. You must not have your wedding reception in that hall even when the church has given you a free hall to use. You know what your bridal train should look like. Some wedded inside aircraft; for some, it’s a destination wedding, yours must be another fairytale wedding.
What about honeymoon destinations? Mercy Johnson went to Seychelles for hers; you have to go to Mauritius or to make things easier, Obudu Ranch. I know your mother wants to brag about it to her friends; I know she wants it to be talked about months after the wedding is over.
But my sweetheart, it’s just a wedding, not the marriage. You know deep within you that the man you are getting married to cannot afford these thing; you know that you are not in a position to foot the bills; you know that if you allow him to spend that much, there will be no money to feed and pay rent after the wedding. Why then are you pushing it?
Don’t you think that what should matter most is your happiness in marriage? Shouldn’t peace in your home matter more to you? How many of those couples you model you want to be like lived happily after the fairytale wedding? How many of those people you try to impress have your interest at heart? How many of them are not wishing you a failed marriage as they say congrats? How many will be there when you have no food to eat?
The worse thing that can happen is you allowing your spouse to borrow for your wedding party only for you to later find it difficult surviving. So many marriages failed even before the celebrations just because the man found himself in it with a very selfish and inconsiderate woman. What peace do you want in your home when the man, immediately after your talk-of-the-town wedding, is faced with debts to settle? All the man will begin to see is a woman who lacks wisdom. The moment he has this feeling about you, life will never be the same again. Every wise woman builds her home.
Darling, there are years ahead of you; there are many anniversaries and holiday destinations to visit if you can stand by your spouse and help him grow. If you can’t have a party now, let him pay your bride price inside your father’s living room with just the two families. Let your pastor or priest bless your marriage right there or in his church office. Do your honeymoon in your bedroom and hope for a better future. Your spouse respects you more and will do everything to spoil you in future when that money comes.
My people, Igbos, say that “uwa mgbede ka nma”. It simply means that it’s always better to be happier in your later life. What should matter most is the love and happiness you have found. Don’t lose it because you are trying to please a society that cares less about you. You must not tell them it’s because you don’t have the money, let them know you just want a very private one. With all their money, Mariah Carey and Angelina Jolie settled for a very quiet one. The country head of a multinational company in Nigeria got married some years ago. We were just about 20 guests and it was the best I have seen so far. It’s even classier that way.
Stop wasting your energy on things that don’t matter thereby ignoring things that matter. Your focus should be on how beautiful you want your home to be. Your energy should be put into preparing yourself to be a good wife and mother. Your energy shouldn’t be spent thinking about what the society has to say. You can only have a happy life if you learn to turn your back on the world, ignore every background noise, and face your relationship, your spouse. Never forget this: A wise woman builds her home, but the foolish tears it down with her two hands. Don’t let your marriage crumble before it begins.
God bless and help you to take the right decision.