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Why Is Love So Hard?


hard-love-CopyThis is a question that we have asked ourselves from time to time…Why is love so hard? I want you to think about every relationship you have had and look at what was happening when it began to fail. Think about what made it feel like such a struggle. Think about what caused you pain and grief in those relationships.

Seriously, stop reading for a moment and contemplate it. Was it the things your partner said or did that caused issues or the things they did not do or say that caused you pain, made you angry and frustrated? Was it the things you both hid from each other that caused misunderstandings? Jealousy or manipulation and control exerted by one or the other? A lack of commitment? A lack of sex or intimacy? What was it that made all these things hard work?

At the core of all of those answers, if you go deep enough, what do you think drives all of those behaviours and emotional reactions? It is each person’s stuff! Yes, stuff! Also known as “emotional baggage” but stuff, for me, also includes “self-sabotaging patterns” (generally driven by the previously mentioned “emotional baggage” but not always emotional in nature).

It is a big bag of mixed sensitivities made up of past hurts and pain from parents or other family or role models, past boy/girlfriends or other committed relationships, lovers, and even friends, which each person carries with them into every relationship.

For some it is a big, dark, massive, heavy, oversized suitcase that you need to pay extra baggage fees for, and for others it is a tiny handbag. The issue is that when you meet someone special, both your bags are invisible. You have no idea what sized baggage a person is coming in with until you get further in and guaranteed it will trigger yours, possibly adding to it along the way.

Initially everyone puts on their best behaviour, sometimes purposely being someone their not to try and make you love them. Initially it will work but you cannot hide the weight of the stuff you drag around with you forever.

I guarantee at some point one of you will say or do something which tickles or bitch slaps the other person’s sensitivities and that is when the tantrums happen, the psycho bitch appears, the Banshee turns up, the bully and the manipulator come out, the tears and emotional games start and things sometimes get thrown around the room. For some it gets violent and well and truly out of hand.

When stuff gets triggered it can bring out the worst in people, creating more pain and damage to each other’s self-esteem, which totally sucks and the worst part (for me) is knowing how easy it is to avoid.

The amount and intensity of a person’s stuff directly affects their self-esteem/self-worth/self-love, which determines how childish or manipulative and controlling they act out when their stuff is triggered, plus it determines what they will allow others to say and do to them.

When a person has a low self-esteem they will put up with being disrespected, treated poorly and will constantly sacrifice what they want and need for a lot longer than someone who has a healthy self-esteem. They will settle on a relationship that is not everything they want or stay in one that is just completely wrong.

A low self-esteem also drives behaviours such as possessiveness, jealousy, control and emotional manipulation as they are so afraid of being left/abandoned that they will hold on tighter to the ones they love and even try to control or manipulate them into staying with them.

Ultimately the “I am not good enough” demon and the need to be loved drives a person to do and say things that do not encourage or nurture a loving response, therefore destroying love bit by bit and each person in the process. Ultimately creating the situation every person is trying to avoid; being left/abandoned by someone they love.

So the answer to why love gets hard is the baggage and stuff. When it is not present or minimal it is so much easier to have a healthy self-esteem and to relate like a mature adult; to communicate all wants, needs and desires, to collaborate and negotiate for a win-win for each person without either one having to control the other or sacrifice who they are and what they need, to truly thrive and be blissfully happy.

If you want to attract and/or keep an amazing relationship; a relationship where love, support, respect and happiness are abundant, one that grows and evolves easily then it is time to look at what stuff you are carrying around with you and dare to do the work needed to dissolve it. It is also deciding it is time to learn the skills that help you move through triggered experiences without adding to your stuff. It is all completely possible and easy when you know how.

To the loving relationship we all deserve, good luck in love and life. Cheers.

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