Courtship is a long-standing tradition in many cultures. It is viewed as an integral aspect of marriage; probably because of the consciousness of the gravity of the step a couple is about to take. Since marriage is meant to be a life-long affair, the idea is for the two people involved to get to know each other well enough to see if they are compatible and are thus able to spend the rest of their lives together. This, ordinarily, should dictate that concerned individuals present themselves naturally, to allow their partners gain an insight into their true nature, to enable an objective evaluation of their personality.

After the courtship, the reasoning is that a couple should have little or no problem handling married life and the challenges that come with it. However, this has not always been the case, as married people have often complained of their partners concealing important information or not showing their true colour during courtship.

How can this be avoided? What are those things intending couples should look out for in one another? Is there any way of reading in-between the lines and picking up vital clues that could show an individual’s true nature? How long should an effective courtship last?

Grace Festus, a US certified marriage mentor, said courtship should take a minimum of six months to allow the couple know themselves pretty well.

“The maximum will be dependent on a lot of factors by the couple-to-be on how ready they are. But basically, it should not be too long for either of them to become weary of the relationship,” she said.

In her view, some of the signs intending couple should look out for during courtship include compatibility, how well they communicate, the level of chemistry between them, and if they share similar values and beliefs. Others are, knowing clearly the reason they want to get married, which should not be selfish, if they are both mature enough to walk down the aisle, if the other partner is transparent and trustworthy, if there is a past that can threaten their future happiness, their genotype and if they both share similar vision and dreams for the future.

On how to detect when a partner is not being truthful during courtship, Festus said: “He/she will seem to be watching over his/her shoulder regularly, as if he/she is running away from someone or something. He/she will always have excuses for not showing up or meeting up with his/her responsibility as at when due, and he/she will avoid picking some calls except when alone. Such a person will password his/her phone as a new habit or change phone password regularly, if his/her partner is aware of the other password.

“He/she may sometimes not pick his/her call, maybe because he/she is with another secret partner. Also, his/her words would change from time to time from what he/she had said previously and he/she will sometimes be nervous and avoid eye-to-eye contact with his/her partner. This is because they want to impress and stay attractive to the person they are trying to woo.”

Relationship coach, Dinma Nwobi, also supports the idea of courtship before marriage. To her, “it is absolutely necessary for courtship to take place before going further in a relationship.”

So, why do couples have problems after marriage despite a ‘healthy’ courtship?

In Nwobi’s opinion, many reasons are responsible for parties not showing their true nature during courtship, though a generalised answer may not capture it all.

“The reason differ from person to person and a lot of factors could be responsible for it,” she explained. “These vary from upbringing to the environment, significant emotional experiences and temperament.”

She noted, however, that an emotionally intelligent person could easily pick up cues to detect when a partner is not being truthful during courtship.

“Usually, as you interact with someone, there are certain signs that will show the person’s personality and how truthful he/she is. This requires skills that can be learnt,” she said.

For Dr. Passy Amaraegbu, a Clinical psychologist, courtship is the period, when two adults that have agreed to marry decide to understand each other better before sealing their relationship culturally, legally and religiously.

“However, not all courtships lead to marriage, though it is a preferred route. The period of courtship should be between six to 12 months. In some special occasions, three months may be all that is needed. An example of this is when either or both parties are advanced in age or have been in long-term friendship.”

Amaraegbu said the traits to look out for in a future spouse differ from one individual and gender to the other.

“There are some common traits a man desires from his future wife. These include humility, which is a core value of a good future wife. Such a lady is not arrogant in spite of the advantages she may possess. She is teachable and ready to adjust to a new life with the man. She is respectful and ready to obey the husband.

“A man will also desire an industrious wife, who is productive and not lazy. A lady preparing for marriage should be an asset and not a liability. She should be God-fearing, as having a personal relationship with God will be an immense blessing to the relationship.”

Enumerating the typical qualities a woman desires in her future husband, he said these should include that the man possess sacrificial love, which is the main and core value of every excellent husband. “A woman should look out for the man who puts her first. A man should provide security and ensure his wife is safe. And this should be in every aspect of life— financial, physical, psychological and emotional.

“He should also be God-fearing, because a man who does not fear God will end up as a dangerous husband. He will do whatever he pleases. Therefore, look out for one who will lead the family to God by example. A man should be resourceful; it is a man’s primary duty to take care of his family’s needs. This duty should not be compromised, when ladies are looking for husbands, except in special occasions.”

On why parties find it difficult revealing themselves during courtship, Amaraegbu attributed it to the human nature.

“According to Sigmund Freud, the protagonist of the Psychoanalytic theory of human development, self-preservation is one of the greatest passions in Homo sapiens. This may likely be what plays out during courtship and similar occasions that demand self-revelation.

“Generally, human beings are secretive, when it comes to the issue of revealing their true nature. Nobody wants others to know their weak points. It is only in a situation, where couples are genuinely and deeply in love that they are ready to reveal their lives and open up to the other. Yes, it is genuine love that enables people to be sincere and open. Consequently, prospective couples should look out for genuine love, so that the sincerity of one partner can help the other to be open too.”