Healing your mind when your spouse hurts you

It is rare to find a marriage where the husband has never hurt the wife or where the wife has never hurt the husband.

It is rare to find a marriage where the husband has never done anything that annoyed the wife or where the wife has never done anything that annoyed the husband. It is rare to find a marriage where the action or lack of action of a spouse never got the other spouse disappointed. 

The problem I want us to look at today is how to heal yourself when hurt, annoyed or disappointed with your spouse. The only way some people know how to deal with their hurt, annoyance and disappointment is to ask their spouses for an apology or to shout or do both.  

After shouting or screaming or crying, some will tell their spouses, “I demand an apology.” But if demanding an apology is your only way or most important way of healing your wounded mind, it means that you and your marriage have not grown enough — you have not matured enough!

There was a time in our marriage that unless my wife, Carol, held me, rubbed my chest and romanced me, I will not get out of my hurt, annoyance or disappointment. I will be bubbling with life again within a few seconds of her holding me.

Whenever she also felt hurt, annoyed or disappointed with me I also have my own way of apologising and within 10 seconds, she will start laughing. She says that I make her laugh a lot. There were times when there was a stalemate and both of us were either hurt with each other, annoyed with each other or disappointed with each other. It was then, I started to mature into what I am suggesting in this article.

My suggestion is this. Instead of focusing your mind on what hurt you, annoyed you or got you disappointed with your spouse, you should change the channel and tune to another channel of your mind. Tune to what I will call channel, “Good Memory Bank.” This channel, this part of your mind is stored and filled with good memories about your spouse. Unless your spouse is a totally heartless, selfish and bad person like Jezebel or Ahab, he or she might have made life sweet and enjoyable for you perhaps for about 70 to 80 per cent in the past. He or she might have given you many warm smiles that melted your heart, nice food or outings/holidays, moments of love-filled with romance, sacrificial giving, labour of love, quality care for the children and many others.

In my own case, I found out that whenever I tuned the channel of my spirit and mind from the issue that got me hurt, annoyed or disappointed where Carol gave me great acts of kindness, love, sacrifice, care, hugs, smiles and laughter in the past, my negative feelings about her will stop growing. The negative feelings stopped growing because I stopped nursing them.

Know that whatever you feed or nurse grows and whatever you stop feeding or nurse stops growing. At this point, I begin to force my mind to think, nurse and feed on those things that are pure, lovely and good about Carol. At this point, the negative feelings stop growing. Anytime it wants to violently come up to overpower my positive ideas of her, I will tune back again to this love channel that contains good memories, which I grew to nick name channel, “Philippians 4:8.” It says: “Whatsoever things are true … honest … pure … lovely… good report … think on these things” about your spouse. Love you!