Handling your hurts when you and your spouse hurt each other
Last Sunday, I wrote on the topic “Healing Your Mind When Your Spouse Hurts You.” I wrote that instead of always demanding an apology before your mind gets healed from anger, hurts and disappointments from your spouse, spouses should mature to an emotional state where they can get their minds healed and restored on their own in order to get their minds sound again.
I further wrote, “instead of you focusing your mind on what hurt you, annoyed you or got you disappointed with your spouse, you should change the channel and tune to another channel in your mind. Tune to what I call channel “Good Memory Bank.” This channel, this part of your mind is stored and filled with good memories about your spouse. Unless your spouse is a totally heartless, selfish and bad person like a Jezebel or an Ahab, he or she might have made life sweet and enjoyable for you perhaps for about 70 to 80 per cent in the past. He or she might have given you many warm smiles that melted your heart, nice food or outings/holidays, moments of love-filled love making, sacrificial giving, labour of love, quality care for the children and many others.”
But it becomes another kettle of tea, when you think your spouse has hurt you deeply and your spouse also thinks you have hurt him/her deeply. In a situation like this, if care is not taken, “trouble go burst.” Wahala that can lead to “scatter scatter” can overwhelm your marriage and family love life.
In a situation where both parties are having the feelings of being deeply wounded, one of them should be reasonable enough to know that his/her wounds are lighter than that of his/her spouse. Such a person should then quickly start to think less of his/her wounds and think more of the injuries inflicted on their partner.
Know that feelings are things that you can decide to nurse to grow into further hurts or starve with further positive feelings and information until the negative feelings shrink into insignificance. Also know that feelings are a thing of the mind, and that people who know how to be in charge of their minds can decide on the feelings to welcome and nurse or on the feelings they decide not to welcome or on the feelings they had earlier on welcomed, but now deliberately decide to expel from their minds.
After getting to a state of being reasonable and mature enough to know that the way you hurt your spouse is not as big as the way your spouse hurt you, you should deliberately throw away your pride that has been building up and decide to dress your human spirit with humility. After this, you will be in a better frame of mind to sincerely and deeply apologise to your spouse without you making reference to how much he/she also wounded you.
It is good for couples and intending couples to know that if two soldiers are wounded by enemy soldiers in a war, the one that has the least injury has the military and moral obligation to rescue and drag the more wounded one into a place of safety, medical attention and total healing. For example, if a bullet hits the finger of a soldier and a bullet hits the leg of his colleague, the one with the wounded finger (though bleeding) is expected to rescue his colleague with the wounded leg, who is bleeding more. I pray that God gives all of us the wisdom and soundness of mind to apply what I have written in my today’s column of The Love Arena. Keep loving. Love you!
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