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How does your fiancé or fiancée quarrel?

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Bishop Charles Ighele


I will never forget an experience Carol and I had many years ago, when we were still young in pastoral work. We visited a young man who worshipped with us for the first time the previous Sunday.

In those early days, Carol and I ensured that we visited new members and got to know them to their homes and work places. On Sunday mornings, we would drive our 305 Peugeot car to the homes of new comers and bring them to church and then drop them off after service. We did this until they became established in the faith.

Carol used to work in one of the banks at Ring Road Benin City. We embarked on some of these visits to the homes of new members during weekends, or when I picked her from office at about 6pm.

That was exactly what we did to this first timer. We drove straight from her office and to the address this new worshipper filled in the new comer’s form. The handsome young man was so happy to see us. It made him feel important and loved.He welcomed us well and ushered us into the living room of the family house where he lived with his parents and siblings. As we sat chatting, trying to know about him, suddenly two of his relatives started quarreling and shouting at each other, with their voices very raised.

We thought that our host was going to settle the quarrel. But the way he responded surprised us. He leapt to his feet with a huge smile on his face as if he just had an invitation to eat his best meal. He cheered excitedly in support of one of the siblings. As we were trying to figure out what was going on, one of them picked a cutlass. The way our host and the family responded made us realise that violent quarrels are a part of the regular menu in that family.

With our host having abandoned us to cheer “his team,” Carol and I “stylishly” disappeared into our car. We zoomed off without saying goodbye because there was confusion everywhere, and everyone seemed to be enjoying the situation. And do you know what? When he came to church the next Sunday, he greeted us very warmly and thanked us for the visit without making reference to or apologising about the commotion of the previous morning.

I have lifted this story from one of our latest books titled, UNDERSTANDING THE QUARRELING STYLE OF YOUR SPOUSE. It is an area of research that my sweet wife Carol and I decided to go into. We’ve been able to establish that different families behave differently, when it comes to family conflict and resolution. The book, which is already opening the eyes of many couples, also gave far-reaching suggestions on how people can handle the quarreling style of their spouses.

Imagine a lady brought up with a decent culture meeting such a man in any place of worship, work place, shopping mall, etc., and falls in love with and marries him? Somebody should help me think how such a woman can cope with the quarreling style of such a man.

The point I want to make here is to tell singles that before they agree to marry that mind blowing lady or man, it will be good for them to know them to their homes, whether they behave like a riotous mob that can pack the woman out of the home at any time or it’s a family with a reasonable sense of decency. Love you.


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Charles Ighele
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