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How to handle conflicts in the home – Part 1

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James O. James


One thing that’s inevitable in life and especially in marriage is conflicts. Conflicts are bound to arise for a number of reasons:
• Difference in background and up-bringing
• Different worldviews and experiences
• Likes and dislikes – what one likes may not be what the other likes.
• Difference in temperaments
• Crisis (financial and otherwise)
• Third party influences and so on

Whatever the reason for conflicts couples must learn to resolve their conflicts internally, without third party influences. The way God created us shows fundamental differences between both sexes. Aside the obvious physical difference between a man and woman, there are emotional and physiological differences that tend to drive the way we do things.

For example;
• Men are primarily analytical in their thinking while most women are intuitive. A woman may just know that a particular decision isn’t good even if she cannot really explain why.
• Most men are attracted by what they see while for the women attraction is mainly by touch or what they feel. That’s why most advert that target men have the picture of a beautiful lady.
• The woman is more gifted at talking than the man. Just ask a woman to describe something and you’ll discover the depth of her vocabulary. What this means is that it’s often difficult to out-talk a woman for there lies their strength.

Principles of handing conflicts:
• Leaving and Cleaving – Matthew 19:5
You must leave your parents physically while cleaving spiritually, mentally and physically to your wife. Before marriage, one’s allegiance, loyalty and devotion were to one’s parents. However, after marriage, your loyalty, devotion and allegiance must shift to your spouse. One no longer has to lean on one’s parents.
If you need advise, ask your spouse. Your loyalty and devotion should be to your husband or wife, as the case may be.
• Resolve Conflicts Together

Resolve all conflicts together and don’t report quarrels to your parents. I have discovered that anytime you take marriage conflict to parents, it escalates. If you have conflict in your marriage, seek to resolve it by yourselves. Sit down and talk it over. When you talk, don’t assume you know what your mate will say and so cut off dialogue.

Allow him or her to speak their minds.
• Joint Ownership
Let’s look briefly at the issue of a Brother or Sister in-law who comes to the house to pick issues with your wife. Some will out of ignorance start laying claims to things saying, “It’s our brother’s car,” or “it’s our brother’s house.” Be careful to maintain that you are first and your wife is second in the family hierarchy and all others come under her. Make them understand that if they want to stay, they must stay under your wife.
• Filter your Friends

I recommend that couples have common friends or family friends. Do away with any friend your wife or husband isn’t comfortable with. Her friends should be your friends and his friends should be your friends too. If this is maintained, no friend will succeed in manipulating one partner against the other. Don’t bring your husband to disrepute before anybody.

Above all, pray for each other.
For enquiries contact: Elshaddai Covenant Church, 7, Social Club Road, Off Charity Road, Abule-Egba. Tel: 08080929292; 08182281184 (Whatsapp messages only).


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James O. James
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