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Quarreling rules for husbands and wives


Bishop Charles Ighele

Bishop, what’s going on? Why such a title for an article? Are you encouraging couples to quarrel? If not, why do you have to give people quarreling rules? Or is quarreling now a football game, where a referee is needed?

No, never will I encourage couples to quarrel. But I know that couples do quarrel.

All I am saying here is that couples should not quarrel but in case they do, they should be disciplined enough to keep to these rules, until they have developed in their marital relationship to the point of avoiding quarrels. Among many others, these are some of the rules:


• No physical combat at all. No pushing. No slapping. No fighting.

• If you must quarrel, let the aim be to resolve misunderstanding and not just to quarrel on and on.

• You should not refer to your spouse as a fool, an idiot, an imbecile or a mad person. Only fools marry fools and only mad people marry mad people.

• Threats of divorce, moving out or taking a break are escapist routes. Grow and guard your heart and mouth from these.

• There should be no threats of murder or suicide.

• No negative remarks about your partner’s physical appearance.

• There should be no comparison of your spouse with other people.

• You should not say things like “how I wish I did not marry you but married another person.”

• No singing of annoying songs.

• Parents and other in-laws should not be insulted at all.

• Avoid making reference to previous quarrels that had been resolved.

• No destruction of self-esteem.

• Talk but do not shout.

• Let your quarrels or arguments be what Rev. Jesse Duplantis would refer to as “progressive discussion.” Do not, therefore, interrupt your spouse when he or she is talking.

Let your talking be aimed at arriving at a point of understanding with your spouse and not just stressing your point or making yourself understood. Also, listen and understand what your spouse is saying.

• You must not cast aspersions on what you think is your spouse’s low level of education, knowledge, wisdom or understanding.

• Do not walk out on your spouse.

• Do not turn off on your spouse by not uttering a word or by reading newspapers or watching television. Force yourself to listen and say something.

• Try to face the main issues at stake and not allow other minor matters make you forget the main issue. The most mature among the couples should non-arrogantly but wisely and gently bring the spouse to “major on the majors and not to major on the minors.”

By the grace of God, my wife and I have had a very good marriage. Our children and people close to us keep testifying to this fact. This does not mean that we have not had disagreements and arguments.

But the quarrels have been extremely minimal and this was mostly during the very early period of our marriage. 1 Peter 3:7-12 has served as foundational scripture that has enabled us not to disagree or argue or quarrel on and on. Knowing that 1 Peter 3:7-12 instructs couples to pursue peace so that “your prayers be not hindered” and “that ye should inherit a blessing.”

Carol and I try not to allow our differences intercept our blessings here on earth and our resolve to be with the Lord when we die. We complement each other with our different personalities.

We try to build (and not abuse) each other in areas we are weak as husband and wife. Love you.
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