By Charles Ighele 

When some spouses put up some bad behaviours, instead of apologising they simply retort and say, “that is how I am” or some even say “that is how we are in our family o.” Some ladies are quick to getting angry. They flare up at the slightest thing. Some men shout and raise their voice at any little issue even when the issue does not warrant shouting. When men like this shout and their partners tell them they are shouting they growl saying, “leave me alone that’s how I am,” “that’s how my voice is and I can’t change it.”
 
When some women are corrected by their husbands they quickly flare up. Some say that is how everyone in their family is, so, the man should not try to change her as it is going to be a futile effort. When as a woman you keep telling your husband that “that is how I am,” each time he raises an observation or he corrects you, you are simply telling your husband that you are not mature enough. It must, however, be stated here that this attitude does not in any way build a relationship. Rather, it triggers the collapse of a relationship or union.
 
Both the man and woman should know that there is always opportunity to improve and become a better husband and better wife. When your partner tells you that you have a particular habit or character that is bad and inimical to your relationship, the onus now “lies” on you to see how you can work on yourself and improve on that part of your life. If your spouse does not love you he or she won’t tell you that you have that particular habit. The improvement of that habit might be what will increase the degree of the love your spouse will have for you. 
   
Hence forth learn not to say, “that’s how I am,” “that’s how my anger is,” that’s how I keep quiet when I am angry.” Expressions like these can covertly destroy a relationship. Whatever habit your spouse does not like, see how you can work on yourself and change that habit. Don’t say your spouse complains too much. Don’t say your partner nags too much. Rather, thank him or her for pointing out that habit and promise him or her that you will change as soon as possible. 
 
If you find it difficult stopping that habit naturally, you can ask the Holy Spirit to help you. You could also see your pastor or a marriage counsellor. Love you!
 
• Bishop Charles Ighele is the General Superintendent of Holy Spirit Mission, Lagos.