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Understanding the quarreling style of your spouse

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Bishop Charles Ighele


People have different quarreling styles. The following are some broad quarreling styles.

• Weapon Of Mass Destruction Quarreling Style
People who fall into this category fight dirty. They think only of their hurts when they quarrel. They shout anyhow, anywhere. Some slap and push. They quarrel loudly and wildly. Some can even go to their wives or husbands’ office and make trouble. Some even abuse their spouse’s parents. They go to any length to ensure that they emerge winners in the quarrel. They threaten divorce. They pull down self-esteem and destroy T.V sets, cars etc. Sometime ago, a man bit his wife with his teeth during a fight. Another woman used a stick to hit her husband’s head. A man had a quarrel with his wife one morning before going to his place of work. Immediately he arrived, he suddenly remembered some hard words he forgot to unleash on her. He quickly undertook the moderately long journey back home, released his words and returned to work. They express their anger and frustration in a very crude way.

• The Ice Block Quarreling Style
This group prefers to fight without talking too much. They are as hard and cold as ice block. Though angry, they will walk out on their spouses rather than talk. They say nothing and do nothing, whereas they feel they are right. Their withdrawal does not border on the fact that they want peace; rather it is usually out of lack of concern. Things are bad but they are not bothered. They may say, “leave me alone” or “you have started again,” but the attendant cold war would be worse than an outright quarrel. During or after a quarrel, people in this group can walk out or travel for days without their spouse knowing where they are. They wrongly interpret the act of bearing malice to mean avoiding trouble. This is a combination of childishness and irresponsibility.

• The Pussy Cat Quarreling Style
No matter how hard you hit most pussycats, they will always want to come back to you and the comfort of your home. It does not want trouble with its owner. Some spouses are like pussycats. They quickly withdraw from quarrels, no matter the degree of injustice, so that peace can reign. They do not want to rock the boat either because of fear, low self-esteem, material gain, docility, because of the children, fear of divorce or because they want to be regarded as also belonging to the group of happily married people. They smile sheepishly in public, whereas their spouses are physically or emotionally abusing them in private. Such an oppressed spouse, whether male or female, should please secretly go for marriage counselling before it is too late.

• The “Pity Party” Quarreling Style
Once there is an agreement or a quarrel, spouses that belong to this group will prefer to lament, bite their fingers, pity themselves rather than face the issue. They only think of how they have been hurt and not how they have hurt others. They cry a lot in secret wetting their pillows with tears. They hold a party with pity as the menu and past pains as the music. If not treated, this can lead to depression, stubbornness and loss of joy.

• The “Honest Broker” Quarreling Style
A diplomat in Europe first used the word “honest broker” during the 19th century in the heat of the complex diplomatic horse-trading that characterised European diplomacy of that era. The major concern of people in this group is not just to win the war, but also to also win the peace and grow their marriage to the next level.May we all daily pray for wisdom to make our marriages better. Love you.


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Charles Ighele
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