Knowing how to apologise in marriage

This article you are about to read is part of the information that my wife, Carol and I presented in one of our latest books titled, HOW TO APOLOGISE PROPERLY TO YOUR SPOUSE.

About twenty-six years ago, I had cause to mediate in a quarrel between a man and his wife. I had never met them before. It was a concerned neighbour that secretly informed me about the imminent breakup of their marriage. The concerned neighbour gave me the house address and off I went.

The man opened the door for me, when I introduced myself as a pastor and told him I would like to have a discussion with him and his wife.

The wife came from one of the rooms and then I told them the purpose of my visit. He opened up. At the end, I could see all that was needed to settle the matter was an apology from his wife. Guess what? She vehemently refused to do so.

At a stage, the man left the house and I found myself alone with the wife trying to make her see the ninety percent where she was totally wrong in the matter.

“She no gree at all at all”. She was only seeing the ten percent of the matter where her husband was wrong.

My heart was heavy, as I saw a marriage about to be destroyed, especially as I knew this could easily be avoided. I broke down and started crying.

The agony in my heart and the tears that came out of my eyes turned out to be a sign that God REALLY called me to be of help to singles and couples in their marital journeys. When she saw my tears, she also broke down and said “pastor, pastor, I will apologise to my husband. Pastor I am sorry.”

About thirty seconds later, her husband walked in and she apologised to him. The man was confused. He wasn’t sure whether to accept or reject the apology, as he was not used to his wife apologising to him.

Instead, he wanted to know what happened that made his wife apologise within the couple of minutes he was out. I explained.

Having been convinced by his wife about the sincerity and quality of her apology, the man was pacified and decided to have his marriage back. His marriage would have packed up, if the wife had refused to apologise. It was like the man was fed up with a wife who always stood her ground and could never say “I am very sorry.” The man seemed ready for a build or burst situation. Make or break. Gather or scatter.

Total peace or total war. And all this “wahala” was because she could not offer a single word of apology.

That day’s event drew this couple close to me. It was easy for me to guess that they learnt and imbibed the ability to apologise, hence the peace they later enjoyed.

Recently, I had cause to mediate in a celebrity marriage that was about to break up. The woman insisted that she was tired of apologising.

She wanted her husband to apologise just this once. I secretly appealed to her to apologise to him, at least one, two, three or four more times during which period, her man would be taught the art of apology. She did after I convinced her to convincingly apologise. They are now full of smiles. No matter how long you have been married, this book will be of help to you.

The question is: why do some people find it difficult to apologise to their spouses and other people? I love to hear from you. Love you.