Everyone has an attachment style, but not many people are aware that this is a thing. If you are unaware of your attachment style, the end of this article marks the beginning of your awareness of your attachment style.
An attachment style can simply be defined as the unique pattern of one’s behaviour in relationships. The attachment theory was first developed in the 1950s by a psychologist called Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, a psychiatrist.
There are four attachment styles:
- Anxious attachment Style
- Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment Style
- Fearful-avoidant attachment Style (Disorganized)
- Secure Attachment Style
Attachment begins during early childhood based on how children and parents interact, which eventually, develops into a style as you grow older. To identify your attachment style, the first place to look is in your closest relationships (with a romantic partner or a best friend, past or present). Though your attachment style affects your behaviour in all relationships, it is most evident in the former because the level of intimacy shared between lovers and besties leaves no hiding place for vulnerabilities. Let’s take a dive into the different attachment styles, how they are developed and how they manifest in adults.
Anxious Attachment Style
This attachment style develops mostly in needy and sensitive children whose parents are not adequately available. Needy and sensitive children? Yes, babies are born with their personality; some are friendly, while others are not. Assuming that children of the same age, for instance, should be given the same level of attention and care is false fairness, some children need more. When a parent is emotionally unavailable (little to no physical or verbal show of affection), harsh or highly critical, it sets a sensitive child on a long path of self-blame, self-doubt and anxiety. In a bid to feel wanted, they embrace perfectionism and people pleasing. They grow into adults who are nervous about their image in relationships. They overthink the actions or inactions of others, looking for a clue that validates their fear of rejection or abandonment. They always need constant reassurance.
Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment Style
Adults with dismissive-avoidant attachment style were once children, who seemed indifferent about receiving attention or affection from their parents but needed it. They were praised for being the ‘cool kid’, never too emotional or needy when a parent is away, like the anxious. As a result of the child’s inexpressive personality, the parent assumes that all is well, which in turn, encourages the child to push their emotional needs to the back burner.
They grow into individuals who find it difficult showing their emotions. They are always calm, rarely overly excited or sad. It is almost impossible to see them cry, they see it as a sign of weakness. Showing affection makes them very uncomfortable, as it was almost or totally inexistent during childhood. They fear that getting too close to anyone will expose their vulnerabilities, they never fully commit to giving or receiving love. Their sense of personal independence is next to none, so, they do not ask for help. While they often come across as confident or even arrogant, it is a camouflage. They have managed to convince themselves that no one cares about their feelings, so they become their own cheerleader, a sharp contrast to an anxiously attached person.
Fearful-avoidant attachment style (Disorganised)
As you have probably predicted, this attachment style is a combination of the two styles above. The reason for this combination does not stem from the child’s personality, but is developed as a response to an unpredictable parent. One minute the parent is affectionate and playful, the next minute it’s raining fire and brimstone. Fear becomes the go-to feeling as the child is never sure what to expect. As adults, they show an unsteady behaviour in relationships. On one hand, they want to love and be loved, on the other hand are afraid of intimacy. Please note that they do not reject intimacy like the dismissive avoidant, they are afraid of it.
In the next article, we shall discuss the last but the healthiest attachment style and the possibility of changing your attachment style to a secure one.
