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The 7 Nigerians You Will Meet At An Audition

A director’s seat. | Photo: AdobeStock

So when the director yells cut! I’d be fine. But you won’t be.. you are the director and the auditioner.
It’s your first day of the audition and you can’t believe you are going to do this all over again. Brace yourself, today is going to be a looong day.

Mr Hollywood Superstar
The adult with the accent, the one that mixes t and ch. That one! The confidence he brings tells you to relax, one second in and you are struggling to decipher if it is “sh*t” or “she” he said. You want to ask for a retake but you know that telling him to just be himself is going to make you look bad, and you really don’t want the drama so you smile and tell them to give it one more try. What was that accent again? Ooh wait, he said sick!

Mr Broken Bottles
You’ve yelled “cut” a hundred times that your mouth can form no saliva and your glass can hold no water. You want to scream get out but the teary eyes and the soft responses have softened your Nigerian heart so you make him do it all over again and promise him that you’d get back. You want to toss his number in the bin but you imagine the tears and drop it on your table, only to remember after the film is done.

Mr Respecter Of The High places
“Ma”, “Sir”, you’ve heard that since he stepped in and you are certain that he assumed that it was the secret to landing the role. You tell him your name and how you prefer it to be called. He hears you but is in awe. You are even more humble than he assumed. You ignore him and tell him to start. Oops, he didn’t hear you the first time and he is sorry “Ma” and “Sir.” If you hear “Ma” and “Sir” one more time, Ooh god!

Mr Cold Feet
You know that he is really nervous because he didn’t remember his name or number. You tell him to calm down because you see the potential and you are certain that he just needs one motivational speech so you tell him to try it again. By reflex, he has placed his hand on his head and is now falling to his knees with “please, just one more chance”. You want to tell him to go but you saw him trip and you have officially discovered that you are indeed a motivational speaker.

Mr Early Bird
He has been around since 4 am. He starts a conversation with you and chips it in so that you put that into consideration because he is a man who takes his opportunities seriously. And acknowledge you do because you know that you and Alice in wonderland were sipping tea in your dream. You tell him to do a monologue of a man begging his girl after he was caught cheating. His eyes read, “Is this it?” You respond with an affirming gesture. He goes on to play a monologue of a man haggling with his side chick. Cuttttt!

Mr Reeking Arrogance
He walks in with an air of arrogance. You like him. His crisply ironed shirt and the freshest sneakers you have seen among the crowd today. Before you ask him to play out a role, he starts to speak gibberish with eloquence. Oh, you can’t wait for it to be over. You realise that you never knew his number when he leaves. Soon you hear in outer circles that you don’t know what you are doing and the selection was rigged.

The One
Not Mr Nervous again, you swear you had it up to here with the last one that came in and if he does the same, you’d puke on your water. You don’t want to tell him to “come tomorrow” or “better luck next time” so you tell him to practice breathing techniques and make jokes that even your face doesn’t find funny. With the slightest hint of composure, you tell him to start and why did you not see this coming? This is the one. You knew it, you just knew it, you try to remember the tiniest details of events because you know that this one will win awards and you can’t wait to write “it was I who discovered him” on all your social media pages.
Or maybe not.

It has been a long day so you tell them all the generic “thank you for coming, I’d get back to you.”

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