By Aladesohun Sola

Marriage ceremonies in Nigerian societies have worn a new face. The fervour and the giddy, exaggerated display of wealth that colour them is a strategy by most couples to show off, rather than uphold the basic tenets of marriage. With individuals from the upper class of societies in attendance, marriage occasions become Bureaux de Change and envious invitees wish such marriages were theirs.

    Physicist Albert Einstein, nevertheless, pointed out the futility that accompanies such fanfare: ‘Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed’. Years after Einstein’s death, those words have stood the test of time, living out the true philosophy of his, even though eight in ten still observe marriage globally, especially in Nigeria where virtually every young woman wants to escape poverty through marriage.

Civilisation, culture, religion, bad economy and the need to move with the times are whetting people’s appetite for marriage. In addition, God’s instruction‘fill the earth’has seen mankind reproduce like fowls. But is marriage an obligation or a choice? Does it bring happiness to those who perform it? And what happens to being single? This article answers the questions.

Much of our happiness in marriage depends on what we want to get out of it: conflict, intimacy, peace of mind, companionship or prosperity. Each of these factors is important, and as such the positive mindset of a pair looking to get married, their grasp of marriage, their understanding of each other’s character and needs, their maturity and readiness plus their attitude towards marriage can influence the choice they make about marriage. Thus, it’s one thing to think of getting married, it’s another to follow proper steps – prayers, discipline, chastity, the consent of both pair’s families, etc. or else they marry in haste and repent at leisure.

Gender disparity as well as the prevailing conditions of females’ environments tends to influence marriage. For example, women who have been sexually abused by men often bear their oppressors ill will and show apathy towards marriage over time. For some men, economic fulfilment first, marriage later, as this decision will prevent them from depending on their future wives for financial assistance.

For others, concluding their academic programmes or workplace assignment overrides.
Feminist writers Simone de Beauvoir and Nawal El Saadawi have strongly maintained that as long as patriarchy exists, marriage will remain an avenue to oppress women and curtail their freedom. For instance, amongst the Ikwerres in Rivers State, women aren’t allowed to own land just as some parts of Northern Nigeria restrict married women from leaving their husbands’ homes, say to visit friends, relatives or shop for the family.

Furthermore, the Igbos consider female children as second-class citizens and sometimes deny them the right to formal education. In Chad and Congo, married women aren’t allowed to work in the same place with men. More burdensome are the outrageous bride prices paid by the Bororo, Shaw Arab, Kalabari, Okrika and Igbo people in Nigeria before parents can give their daughters out in marriage to men.

Child-rearing, social security and men’s effort to keep their paternal names alive are strong reasons for getting married. The obligation to fulfil their cultural demands also counts. As a rule parents want to see their children become parents which, of course, gives such parents the hope of getting decent burials. Unfortunately, the aims of marriage and its benefits are defeated in regions that are prone to war, terrorism and natural disasters, and where life expectancy is below sixty. During the COVID-19 era, thousands of elderly people and young parents were killed by the pandemic in the US and UK. War in Sudan has led to the deaths of many parents who couldn’t be buried by their own children. In Nigeria, prolonged violence has dislodged both parents and their children.

Belief system is another perspective from which marriage can be viewed. There’s the myth in Africa that inability to be married is due to a spiritual problem. This superstition has pushed many desperate women into acts they’d have avoided. Thus, Evelyn Underhill was right in her assertion that ‘our generation is remarkable for the number of people who must believe something but do not know what’.Marriage is about how ready and committed we’re. Then come our appearances and health.

Love, actually, is selective and there’s no accounting for taste. The same love is blind and doesn’t care whether we’re plug-ugly or attractive. How aligned in values and soul are we? Can we prevent a romantic dream from becoming a chaotic marriage?

Also influenced by marriage are our attitudes, family background, lack of exposure, past, bitter experiences that haunt our present, failure to meet targeted goals, environments, finance and inability to find the right partners. Experiences have shown that in some marriages, Clytemnestras with feet of clay move into their husbands homes and the husbands’ wealth declines so fast, mysteriously. In other marriages, poor suitors witness bewildering turnaround immediately after getting married, whilst for some, none of these happens.

The distinction between modern-day marriages and those of the olden days has left people contemplating marriage. Marriages amongst our ancestors were successful and the children bred were far better than the Yahoo boys and girls of today. Amongst the present generation of male children are Sango or Amadioha (i.e. god of thunder), who wear skirts, earrings and have their hair plaited. Why raise children in a universe that’s gone haywire?

    Marital infidelity is another factor that comes into play concerning whether marriage is necessary or not, because the vast majority of failed marriages nowadays are caused by infidelity. Men cheat more than women, whilst in fact, Egyptian radical feminist writer Nawal El Saadawi has concluded that ‘all women are prostitutes’, who sleep with men for money. I’m of the opinion that men, too, are guilty and should emulate philosopher Epicurus who avoided sexual intercourse, never married, and had no child. Couples must cheat on each other and nothing can stop it. Kudos to mobile phones!
   
 Humans will live long in their marriages if they embrace God and discipline themselves. So, if you’re greedy, evil and jealous, avoid marriage. If you can’t overlook your partner’s infidelities or trysts in order for peace to reign, avoid marriage. If you can’t control your anger, avoid marriage. Freeze your egg or sperm if you aren’t ready for marriage, because marriage isn’t for everyone; but consider having two children.

    This article concludes that marriage is a choice and doesn’t bring happiness; it’s merely a source of happiness and meant to provide an escape route from fornication. ‘Being single has some benefits over marriage’, says 1 Corinthians 7:28. 32-35 yet God doesn’t advise that we avoid marriage. Man is our name but what’s man? So, before you enter any relationships with people, know them very well.

More importantly, don’t get married simply because you’re tired of being asked when you’ll get married, because when problems arise, you’ll be the one to handle them, not those that are pressuring you.

Sola wrote from Port Harcourt