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The new Nigeria


“The level of insecurity in the country is alarming. Only last week in Port-Harcourt, armed robbers beheaded a man and asked his wife to carry the head in a bowl. That, my brother, is a new level of bestiality. I’m getting really worried about this country.”

“Calm down. The IG has lost weight. He is tackling the insecurity menace.”

“Look at the entire country. Up North has become a no-go area. People are being killed on a daily basis as though we are slaughtering rams.”

“The IG has lost weight. He is working hard.”

“Did you read the story of kidnappers in Port-Harcourt who kidnapped a corpse? Even the dead cannot rest in peace any longer. How can anyone conceive corpse kidnap?”


“The IG has lost weight. These things will soon be a thing of the past.”

“I hope you are okay because you are sounding like someone that is a bit unhinged. Why are you repeating the phrase

“the IG has lost weight’ as though it were a new album. What has that got to do with anything?”

“When you see the IG, he will explain to you. For now, just be comforted by the fact that he has lost a lot of weight and is on a collision course with all these bad eggs in our society.”

“You are not serious. Colliding with who? These days I’m afraid to read newspapers. It’s plenty of doom and gloom. Look at that poor, beautiful lady who died recently in Lagos. I had seen her picture with her family pleading with the public for any useful information about her. Even her phone showed she had almost gotten home and then all of a sudden there was radio silence.”

“Yes I remember that story. The bespectacled lady right? What happened to her?”

“Apparently, from online sources, she died during that last rain that uprooted a tree on Kingsway road. She was on a motorbike and a manhole was left open but fully covered with the heavy downpour. The bike man missed it due to poor visibility and she was carried away by the flood. Just downright tragic and needless. Too many unavoidable deaths it makes me want to just carry my suitcase and run away.”

“The in-coming Governor of Lagos-State has a vision. In fact he stated categorically that his cabinet members will be men and women who share the same vision with him. They must be on the same page for a better Lagos.”

“I hope his vision will take into account issues like these. Drainages should be just that — drainages and not refuse dumps. Water needs to flow unimpeded through canals. Life should not be so cheap and devalued in this country. Look, the rains are here already and we have lost someone already due to negligence. Deaths like these are tragic because they are completely unavoidable in the first place. May her gentle soul rest in peace.”

“It’s not that kind of vision he is talking about. Ask the out-going Governor. I understand towards the end of his first tenure, he lost sight of the vision of the State and began to chase his own vision. That is not how to run a State. You must be guided fully by the vision and the original master plan. In any event, the Lagos state office in charge of the environment has cautioned citizens to drink more water and fruits especially children to avoid catching the flu during the rainy season. Carry your umbrellas. Stay indoors as much as you can when it is raining. Avoid canals and gutters until a special task force is set up to discuss how to tackle this perennial issue.”

“I’m not happy with you honestly. You are trivializing everything. I just want to leave this country. My heart is not conditioned for all these societal ills.”

“It will condition itself naturally, don’t worry. Even if you want to leave, where are you thinking of going to? The American government has suspended drop box visa interviews and introduced stringent measures with respect to the issuance of their visa.”

“I understand part of the reasons was because last year alone about twenty-nine thousand Nigerians with American visas refused to come back when their visas expired. Look at how they have spoilt things for the rest of us now.”

“Ah, they should not be angry. I wish I can see Uncle Don and tell him e ma binu. He should not be upset. The matter in Nigeria calls for extra-terrestrial movement I swear. And Andrew didn’t see all of these in the early 90s and he wanted to check out. I understand Nigerians are doing anything just to get to either the United States or the Canadian border.

And once they get there, they tell all sorts of stories to qualify for asylum. I have a friend who said her albino children are in danger because they kill and eat albinos in Nigeria.”

“My dear, If I can get to the border, the albino story will be child’s play. I will tell them my wife is a serial killer and appears to me at night with snake teeth and that I also found out I’m gay. And you know oyibos, they don’t play with the LGBTQ community at all. Their rights are even stronger than yours and mine put together. Instant asylum ni yen.”

“You are assuming you have rights in Nigeria. Look at the rate of suicides. We used to hear about suicides abroad, watch them on T.V and shudder at the thought of someone taking his life. But today, it has become the norm. Depression is real. People are hungry and frustrated.”

“I read about one man who took his life in Abuja and one young doctor who tried to help him was arrested as the suspect. God saved him that there was CCTV in the house. All the training he learned in his medical school in Ukraine, would have left him by the time the police finished with him. Nigeria — you can’t just carry your head like a crab and say you want to help someone. The concept of Good Samaritan is alien in these perilous times we find ourselves. You know Nigerian policemen are advanced. They can even arrest you for having low cut because they feel that in future you are likely to grow dreadlocks and become a threat to society.”

“Even that politician who speaks big grammar is no longer talking.”

“The issues are more than his grammar. Before he would have told us that we must halt this ludicrously lugubrious kakistocracy as the country is on a precipice of pocalyptic crepscule and that the nation is swimming in a pestilential aqua with a disastrous terminus ad quem inherently laden with avoidable cataracts, ice bergs and oxbow lakes. With democracy day fast approaching he would have reminded us that our democracy is enveloped in a paraplegic crinkum crankum, so we must all rise up to bring to focal hiceps and biceps, Nigeria’s pluto-mobo-Kakistocracy.”

“Please don’t make me laugh. The issues are weighty and downright depressing.”

“Even the social space has taken a new dimension. Nothing is off limits, people post all sorts, a new video trends every five seconds. It is a sad day for me. I cannot believe this is the Nigeria our founding fathers fought for.”

“Pele. Our founding fathers. Did you read the story of that actress who took her ex to the cleaners? She even provided the procreation time used to give birth to her son.”

“Really? I don’t read all of that. You have time to read all sorts—


“You must know her even if you haven’t heard about it. She has a foundation.”

“Are you a beneficiary? How do you know?”

“I’ve told you. You have to stay socially literate. Anyways, talking about Nigeria is something my UK doctor has warned me against. He says it is very bad for my health and can reduce my life span drastically. Let us talk about something else.”

“What else? I’ve been using one eye to look at my phone. Once my wife calls me and addresses me with ‘honey’ my stomach starts to rumble. As though I’m about to have running stomach. Because the next sentence will either be the generator is spoilt or the food in the freezer has gone bad because of no light.”

“Do not worry about all of that. NNPC has told us that there are enough petroleum products in the country. You just need money to buy diesel and the Government has graciously increased minimum wage.”

“I’m going to Madam Kodi’s joint. Let’s go and have one Udeme before your wife calls.”

•Onagoruwa writes from Lagos


In this article:
Eriye OnagoruwaNNPC
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