Marriage by force

“How was your night?’’

“I had a great time in the other room, let me give you a blow by blow account of…”

“Hehehe, my friend, please spare me the pun and full details, when we ask that question here, it is not to find about your conjugal activity”

“In that case, don’t you think it is better to say: good morning, how are you? Did you have a goodnight rest?”

“Oga I am speaking Nigerianese’’

“Hehehe never heard that word before, that is your own coinage”

“Aha, see we are learned too, go figure’’

“Please, I thought you called me to discuss matters of importance ’’

“I will get to that shortly, but I must give you this gist about the advice from the police chief”

“I hope this is not one of your stories from social media”

“How important is the source of my news? Do you want the gist or not?”

“Well your stories are always hilarious, so go ahead, I can do with a good laugh’’

“It was reported that the police chief has appealed to police officers to marry each other’’

“Hehehe, here you go again’’

“No kidding, according to the report, he called on officers in the force to get married to themselves to strengthen the service, urging them to put aside the idea of looking for husbands and wives outside”

“He has a valid point you know and I think the advice should be given due consideration. It will lead to a good and harmonious working relationship’’

“Not in all cases, I don’t think it is a good idea. Imagine if your wife is your superior in the force, will you obey at work and also be under her command at home?”

“Why not? Stop being male chauvinist, this is 2021, I will give her all the respect she deserves at work and in our home.”

“Easier said than done, heaven helps you the day you get into trouble with her; especially if it has to do with a tryst with another woman, then you will remember that hell hath no fury than a woman scorned. Or your case will be like that banker Duncan told also about.’’

“What man? Remind me again, you and Duncan always come up with the most outrageous stories.’’

“How can you forget the story about the banker married to a colonel in the army?’’

“It has been a while, please tell me the story again.’’

“The colonel’s husband is a chronic womaniser and has been caught several times with other women. Every time he is caught, he would beg for forgiveness and the colonel will forgive him. No sooner is he forgiven, he would return to his ways. Despite several warnings and threats from the wife, he continued his escapades. She got tired and left him to his own devices. Little did he know that she had a cooked up a plan to teach him a lesson; she kept tabs on him and decided to pay a visit to his secret redenzvouz. She didn’t go alone; she went with soldiers. Banker was in the middle of the action when they picked him up. They took him to the barracks. Madam gave the soldiers an order to drill her husband while she watched. First, he started with 50 frog jumps with the condition that he would start from the beginning if he doesn’t do it satisfactorily. Of course, he fell down several times and had to start all over again. He must have done a total of 100 before they asked him to stop and roll on the floor to continue the public shame. Now, don’t ask me if they are still together because Duncan ended the story there.’’

“Hehehe, I sincerely don’t think they will be together after that kind of drilling”

“You will be surprised, the man will be afraid to ask for divorce unless it is the woman that wants it.”

“Please I am tired of man and woman matter in Nigeria, there are more important issues like the exchange rate, the apex bank’s governor’s grouse with that website responsible for the fall of the country’s currency.”

“Na you sabi. Meanwhile when are going to visit the Governor-General in London? Everybody is paying him a visit.”

“I am not a politician, however, I would like to interview him. Do you have his contact?’’

“Am I a politician too? Why are you asking me?”

“Then stop asking me Jamb question too.”