TEETH 4 TEETH …

Only In Nigerian Films…
Since the modern day Nigerian film industry otherwise called Nollywood began some decades ago, nothing appears to have changed, right from the first movies like Living in Bondage, Rituals among many of them.

Now, if you are truly a fan of Nollywood, this is what you will find in 99 per cent of their movies: A king will always have ONE son or daughter? True or false? If you have not seen that in any of the movies you have seen, then let us try this; a king will always have two sons from two women and even before he passes away, the two sons will be battling themselves on who will be the heir to the throne and the entire kingdom would be thrown into confusion and conflict.

Did that hit you? If it did not, what about this? A king will be having difficulties in having a male child who will be his heir and his lineage risks losing the throne, and out of desperation, he will either sleep with one of the maids in the palace or a long lost son from his time as a wild youth, would surface and all will be well. Hehehehe, dat one hit you abi? That is the trademark of Ugezu J Ugezu, the master of that kind of very predictable storyline.

Let us try this very familiar pattern that one is sure you are also very well acquainted with. A young man will be in the village (most times, the villages and cities in Nigerian films do not have names, they are just ‘village’ and ‘city’) suffering and toiling to make ends meet, all to no avail. Then one day as he is walking along the road, deep in thought, a flashy car will stop by and it is his friend who has made it big in the ‘city’. He will beg him to “show me the way”.  Long story short, he will be introduced into a money ritual scheme or Internet scam popularly called ‘Yahoo Yahoo’… story don start be dat!

And have you noticed also that it is only in Nigerian films that a poor, young man, most times a graduate, will help a stranded, young and beautiful girl whose car broke down along the way. Even though he is not a car mechanic and did not read mechanical engineering in school, he always knows where to touch in the car engine, and the car that has ‘died’ for hours will suddenly come alive and an affair will begin between the two. Wait for the last part…the rich parents of the girl will kick against the affair because of the poor status of the boy…story don start for film be dat!

T4T can go on forever with what you have noticed about Nollywood movies, but then, the Editor of this newspaper will have to dedicate the entire edition to telling it. But for a parting shot, T4T would like to ask Nollywood producers and directors this question; why is it that most times, the movie soundtrack tells the entire story of the movie from the very first scene, so no need to kuku watch some movies after you hear the soundtrack in the opening scenes.

When will Nollywood grow out of this predictable storyline and begin to serve suspense filled movies?

And Bros Patrick has moved on
Movie actor and television host, Patrick Doyle has moved on, yes, he has.

Recall that his wife of many years, actress Ireti Doyle, broke the muffled news of their divorce in a TV interview some couple of months ago, right? And Patrick Doyle did not react like most husbands do when their estranged wives broke news of their divorce or separation to the public.

And just recently, news broke that bros don remarry! So fast? Well, in that case, Bros Patrick nor dey look ‘Uche face’. No time to check time! Anyway sha, make dis new marriage last IJN.

An Urhobo proverb says, e better make person wife leave am dan make e be say she die. Thank God say na leave dem leave you bros.

Don’t have any reason to visit or try to teach this Nigerian Bank now
T4T’s prayer for anybody reading this piece now is, may you NEVER have any reason to have an issue that you need First Bank Nigeria to resolve for you this very trying period. You will labour in vain trying to get the bank’s attention.

All their customer care telephone numbers nko, you will ask? You must load at least a minimum of 2,000 airtime on your phone for starters and they will still use music and one annoying female voice telling you that “Our care agent will be with you shortly” to finish the airtime.

Twitter nko? Send First Bank DM from now till Jesus will return, you will never get a response yet the handler(s) of that Twitter account is always tweeting updates every other hour.

Don’t even bother going to any of the branches, the people locked out at the main gate are more than the crowd that watched the Super Eagles play at the Abuja Stadium yesterday.

Now, T4T is regretting why he lost his ATM card on Sunday, March 19, outside Lagos and all the small coins in that account have been moved out of fear that the card may be in the hands of one of these ‘boys’ who do not need your PIN to gain access to your money. And every day since Sunday, all attempts to reach First Bank to block the card have FAILED!

T4T would like to go biblical here: it is easier for the head of the camel to pass through the eyes of the needle than for a First Bank customer to reach the bank for any reason.

You have been warned!