Former Chelsea and England national team captain, John Terry, has disclosed that he battled severe emotional distress following his missed penalty in the 2008 UEFA Champions League final, an experience he has described as one of the darkest moments of his career.

Speaking on Reece Mennie’s podcast, Terry, now 45, recounted the aftermath of the final against Manchester United in Moscow, in which he slipped while taking a decisive penalty, striking the post as Chelsea ultimately lost the shootout at Luzhniki Stadium.

He revealed that the incident left him with suicidal thoughts while alone in the team hotel.

“I remember after the game we all went back to the hotel. I was on the 25th floor in Moscow, just looking out the window and asking myself, ‘Why? Why?’” Terry said. “I’m not saying I would have jumped, but those thoughts do go through your head at moments like that.”

Terry acknowledged the intervention of teammates who checked on him and brought him away from the hotel room, an act he now regards as vital to his well-being. “It’s those ‘what if?’ moments. You just never know,” he added.

The emotional impact persisted beyond the final, complicating his return to England squad duties and encounters with Manchester United players in subsequent matches.

He also reflected on scoring for England against the United States shortly afterwards, describing a mixture of relief and lingering regret. “I remember thinking, ‘Why couldn’t I just swap that goal for that penalty?’” he said.

Terry admitted that the intensity of the memory has resurfaced in retirement, as he no longer has the weekly structure of matches or the focus on upcoming games.

“Now I’m retired and don’t have that weekly focus or the buzz of playing in front of supporters, it hits me more,” he said.

“I still wake up in the middle of the night and remember it happened. I don’t think it will ever completely go away.”

He found a measure of closure four years later when Chelsea defeated Bayern Munich on penalties in the 2012 Champions League final.

Although suspended for the match following a red card in the semi-final against Barcelona, Terry was part of the squad that lifted the European Cup, finally bringing some resolution to a painful chapter in his professional career.