Has your spouse started irritating you?

Some years ago, a couple (highly placed professionals) enrolled in our marriage school — Institute For Marriage And Family Intimacy Studies.

Like others who enrolled, we discovered that they enrolled, so that they could find solutions to their marital conflicts before they get out of hand. The one-on-one meeting my wife and I had with them and their responses to certain questions during classes could not really make us understand the root cause of their deep-seated marital conflicts. A question the wife answered finally gave us a clue. The wife had been getting irritated with her husband for a long time, so much so that little things that do not matter turned out to be major sources of disdain.

The woman had always admired slim looking men, and that probably was one of the major reasons she married him. But a few years into their marriage, the man started putting on weight and a little potbelly, while his wife remained slim, even after having four children. His looks became a source of irritation to her and any little thing made her flare-up. It was like the more the man’s potbelly increased, the more irritated the wife became. Her irritation for his potbelly and looks kept giving birth to many other forms of irritations.

From our studies, we have discovered that whenever things get to this level, a belch that was mistakenly let out during mealtime can make the irritated spouse go crazy, not to talk of farting in the bedroom.

It was in one of the classes I handled that I got a clue to what was almost breaking their marriage. That day, some of the participants were talking about the changes that have taken place in their spouses’ lives. While they did not like the physical and behavioural changes, they found a way of enjoying or getting amused by what they could not change. 

Personally, I do not believe that marriage should be endured. I believe we should constantly grow our marriage to a level whereby non-life threatening physical and behavioural changes in our spouses should be enjoyed or at worst amuse us. I felt the negative energy released by the woman I am writing about here when she spoke about her husband who was sitting beside her. I could see that her initial irritation against her husband had given birth to so many other irritations that she possibly could not lay hand on any serious reason she could not live in peace with him.

Some days ago, a man told me that his wife had moved out of their matrimonial home, abandoning him and the children. She has no sensible reason for the action she took, aside from the fact that she had started getting irritated with him many years ago. The point I am driving at is that as a spouse, whenever you notice that you have started getting irritated with your partner over minor issues and getting angry with him or her easily, it is better to examine yourself. From my knowledge as a marriage counselor, I have found out that the fault is more with the quarreler than with the quarrelee.

At a stage in my own marriage, whenever I found myself correcting my wife in an unloving manner one, two, or three times, I began to search myself to see ‘wetin dey pepper me for my body.’ I would then deal with the issue before it started giving birth to other issues. Let us sometimes learn to check ourselves. Love you!