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When you think your wife is controlling you


Charles Ighele

In my article in this column, last Sunday, which was titled, “When a woman queries her husband,” I wrote towards the end that I would go to the exclusive WhatsApp page I share with my wife and daughters nicknamed, “Charlie’s Angels” and would advise them never to query their husbands. I did exactly that. My first daughter, Noja, who is married replied, “Thank you daddy. I have learnt that firsthand.” Yet, Noja’s husband is a gentleman to the core; one that may make one wish that all your sons-in-law should be like him.

In fact, he is a very good friend to my daughter and he is also one of my best friends. Despite all this, however, he will not let his sweetheart issue him queries. Another of my daughters, Folake, who is not yet married posted, “Thank you daddy. Definitely taken note of this.” I am happy that all my girls are in agreement with this truth.


While I will repeatedly state the fact that it is not good for a woman to query her husband and for a man to query his wife, and that correction should be done in love instead of through verbal or written queries, I would also confess that I over-reacted the way I responded to my wife some years into our marriage, when I felt that she queried me over a banking transaction that I handled foolishly, as stated in last Sunday’s write up. The fact of the matter is that I was feeling insecure. One or two things had happened previously, which made me feel that my wife, Carol, was trying to control me, hence, I responded in an angry tone to her.

I have learnt over these thirty-something years of marriage that there are times a man gets to feel that his wife is trying to control him. At such moments, many men react in a manner that is not so pleasant to their wives. While it is true that some women have the spirit of Jezebel (a demon of unauthorised female authority and manipulation) that will want them to control and be in charge of their husbands, children and entire family affairs, many men think that their wives want to control them because they have a sense of insecurity. Insecurity in marriage is a feeling of not feeing safe, a feeling of being exposed to injury or risk or attack. It is a feeling of being made the tail, rather than the head of the marriage relationship. It is a feeling of being put down.


At such moment, the mind of the person feeling insecure is not so stable; not so firm and not sound enough (2 Timothy 1:7). At such period, the psychological feeling of “flee or fight” comes on the person.

Whenever such a feeling comes and you think that your wife or husband is trying to control you, instead of reacting by withdrawing or fighting, pause and think and ask yourself the following questions.

• Does my wife love or hate me?     
• Does she care only almost about herself and cares less or little about me? 

When a man pauses and asks himself these or additional speed brake questions, the feeling that the wife is controlling him will begin to melt away. All men that I have studied closely, including my father and myself, have exhibited this feeling of insecurity. That was why the Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari did not to flee, but fought back, when he said of his wife, Aisha that, “She belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room.” Ha, ha, ha. Love you.


In this article:
Bishop Charles Ighele
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